Sun 21 Apr 2002 09:25
I'm back, but with plans to go to the [morningside] Friends' meeting at columbia, earl hall, leaving here in about an hour.
there were consequences to my overeating last night this morning--fermented burps and distended intestines filled with methane, but these were not sever.
got a good workout this morning thanks to Jerry, doing 30 50s on the 60, fly. I came in on the :45, held it. This is a 50 meter pool.

to get the killer workout feeling like peter karl gave me-- I would have to do at least another long hard set.

Perplexed about my tendency to use foul language in talking with myself, but I never use it when talking with others... e.g. "Let's get the fuck out of here," when deciding to Leave the pool deck.

--
begin continuing to recover oldhome 00:
d5p2, d6p34
.

Sat 20 Apr 2002 20:32
I feel civilised, I'm eating sitting in a chair.
loneliness has come now. I felt the first bit of it on Monday evening before I left on my walk.
thankfully anne came in and asked me a nice question so I got to talk to her a bit. Reminding me of why I don't really want to live with less than two other people.
just then Joanna called and we talked for a little over an hour...
I think she might find reading Tony Schwartz' book valuable, but I'm not sure if she will. read it.

what did I do before joanna? I was in the dance studio more
before that, I was looking for work and lived near peter.

I don't yet feel like bugging carmen like I might have bugged peter.
I sort of want to just deal with aloneness, but I'm not as joyful?

with joanna, I feel I can really love--she's not a lesbian (yet!)

but either way, she will probably be leaving, but she is potentially going to change a lot in the coming months, and who knows what she might do. I really am not doing anything where I might find another person who might have the role she has been having, which is almost that of a girl friend,

nor am I sure

she has a ton to learn about being happy with herself?
I trust that the decisions she makes with respect to me are good ones for her--the alternative to that trust is unworkable ("Do you really want to spend time with me? etc.)

I think it will be so nice to see her again tomorrow! I think it will be nice, and I wonder how we'll feel.

and when she leaves... well I will probably know this/that feeling again.

don't worry, joanna, things will work out fine. I sound like an oldster talking to a kid whose life has just ended. I've read so much that relates to what she's having to deal with: Frankl's "there are no value conflicts"
the book I just read. The approach I've taken to life. Not necessarily helpful to her as a model.

that's it.
she will be fine, whether I do anything or not. I would love to be a part of the process of her becoming?

Will she become change oriented or conservative? not one or the other.
love

love love love

they knew they were the best? Rebecca and Ilona?

Howard Bloom's book.

There is a place for you? I say to her? I used to doubt there was a place for me. I don't doubt there is a place for me any more? Because I've found a way to love living (in this society). love living to a greater and lesser degree.

Honestly, I don't think she should go to med school, but I don't think she shouldn't go either. Either way she will learn a lot, I'm not sure which way will help her learn what she wants to learn more.

I do know she is a great and powerful person--
that she does not feel herself great and powerful with respect to the med school application & interview process says something?

Honestly based on what she did tell me I think, she might have done a better job had she wanted to,

but in that she did not want to, she is saying something.

I'm not sure if she'll see it that way? There is something in her saying something? But what?

if there is, how long until she hears it.
that screaming is not her screaming it is it screaming?

I want to say the only advice I have, and would strongly urge is go slow--
that quote-- don't just do something, do nothing.
Wait.
if you really want to study computer science, you will still want to one year from now.

If you really want to live near your family, more than anything else, perhaps you should wait there?

Ah.

I do want her to kick ass and feel like she's kicking ass, not like she's being drug behind.

why do I use that language to myself, but would not say it to someone? would I not say it to someone?

they're playing with her now, which suggests she's in the wrong game? She's not calling the shots? she is letting herself be played? What did the interviewer think? Does she really not want to stay here and dance?

She doesn't seem to be calling the shots in dance either. Not loving it.

Church? give her the enneagram?

ah, and is she making enough money now?

joanna, don't forget Joyce Vedral!



I have nothing more, and am falling asleep myself. 2245
tomorrow, work on resurrecting old pages... who knows, maybe even see carmen.

If I didn't have a job like I do I might not have progressed to having relationships like these.... the needs hierarchy, the relationship satisfaction correlated with work satisfaction, so somewhat amazed that she can still take time to talk to me--


good night!
managed to eat a little too much (I'm tasting it now)

2002-04-20-2301
I forgot to tell you I danced by the music half-shell in central park, where the african drummers were drumming and some african dancers were dancing (or maybe brazilian, who knows)
.