Sat 20 Apr 2002 10:22
I'm eating right now... will I keep eating? a little?

needing more iron?

I finished what was in my bowl. will I get more?

suspense.

I should get plenty of iron from brewer's yeast.

the doctor wanted me to go back for another blood test, but because the phone hold times are so long to make an appointment, I'm not sure I will go back there.

from what really matters, ch 10 tony schwartz
p414 But it is also possible to fill holes, Ali concluded, in subtler ways that aren't so ...
meditating for long hours, working obsessively, or even devoting ourselves to others to the exclusion of focusing on our own deepest needs.

programming daze
perhaps
rather than programming trance.

I do wish to go back to 2241 casemont drive for a while.

"we need to dive into these wholes, feel them.

it feels litterally like liquid fire (the essence filling the wholes)

just by truly being yourself, you are strong.

p415
A person who is this essence does not need to use the linear mind over certain important situations.
the direct knowing is just there.

Psychotherapy is oriented toward finding better and more effective ways to fill the whole.

p416
Ali was also influenced by Wilhelm Reich, whose body-oriented therapy was concerned with the loss of the capacity for depth of emotion--and particularly pleasure.

-fart-

Reich recognized the need to break through the physical armor we build up to protect ourselves from pain.

the process that follows a child's early loss of intimate connection to the mother.
inevitable and painful.
to avoid experiencing this intolerable hurt, we deaden a certain part of our body and in that way we are cut off from that sweet quality of love in ourselves.

love

p417 refrain from commenting or reacting in any way to what the speakers were saying.

-a little regurgitation-

when you're speaking, don't worry about how you are perceived or what happens to you. Just be with your own experience.

(1) Tell me something that stops you from being here now.

nothing! I'm here now!
ah, I'm thinking of...
and...


p417 I rarely
-little fart-
simply connect to what I feel most deeply and say it straight out.

(2) TEll me something you are experiencing now

remembering how Joanna said she makes dictionaries of her typo's, tireb, as I just typed somerthing.

p417 I also saw that the more I exhausted the answers that came immediately and glibly to mind, the more I felt pulled into the frightening territory of the unknown.
 
yikes.

I was thinking how swimming long laps may have done something to me--well it has done something to me, but what-- when I was in highschool I remember the early morning workouts in sort of a mysterious way-- starting at 5:00, the far, deep end of the pool was fairly dark, and it was dark outside, I had ridden my bike there, and still in that dream-like early morning state where time passes so quickly (for me), but I think I remember feeling the devil in the deep end, something, some feeling there in the dark.

As it is now though, simply exercising for me requires a peace of mind and a will to keep moving. Keep moving, colin, keep moving, don't stop. Those mornings in seattle, moving through the arboretum, I would get distracted by thought, and stop to focus on the thoughts and end up walking.

In swimming: how long can I keep going fast? How fast, how long can I go? How smoothly, powerfully can I swim? Am I slow because of slight anemia?

And In Swimming: I feel sadness, depression, in the pool, sometimes having a mantra of 'death', but I cry under the water, I sink into my sadness, knowing, it is almost certain that I feel quite well when I'm done, when I get out.

The workouts when I was in high school were so intense--the hardest workouts I've had in any sport--but now its only me to push myself. Somedays I do.

Making the physical fitness something one can count on ones self without dependence on classes, coaches, even swimming pools, is a significant challenge, but I believe I am progressing in it.

seems I really need control over food though--italy was a problem with respect to food.

leads to freedom, not feeling overly a need to be attached to the 50 m swimming pool at riverbank state park, or the monterey sports center, or the ocean... well,
I certainly don't mind having some desires around which to organize my being.

-yawn-

for example--Ilene counted a whole 3000! not something I would attempt, but that requires a certain presence and practice of mind. As does learning a dance routine...

p418
The questions

regarding ego death- dance, anywhere- the steps at columbia- shaving one's head-- writing this website--
seems to occasion something like that.

to do my dance/routine on the steps of columbia, requires me almost disappearing to the people walking by-- I don't notice them looking at me, I hear laughs, but I am not there to respond to them. Closing my eyes I focus on movement. The laughs -- a normal reflex feeling is, is it me? but not... if it were it is themselves. Meditating.

Oh, and also in relationships--being able to express love, knowing full well it might not be returned in same.
Some might not do this, and one might say they fear rejection, but
rejection does not really exist? or cannot be feared?
The fear of losing a possible opportunity to love joyfully , maybe even deeply could be more.

So, As, I called Joanna last tuesday, and left a message of my joy-

And So, As, one of the first things carmen said to me, "you're a fabulous swimmer."
and when I asked her if she might like to ice skate
"I'd love to!"
I see that she can, too, say "I love you!" knowing that...

of course, these are people I have a guess they can love too.


imagining the self not there, the self not there, tearing the self apart,
leaving, perhaps, in enneagram vocab, essence,
though, I prefer to say nothing,
nothing perhaps but those quantum / probablistic / or whatever it is that guides these outcomes; movement when I just move; thought when I ponder aimlessly; occasionally discourse.
you could say spirit, or soul but those are very tired words, and it is much better to say there is nothing there.

like in the gap between two uncharged metal plates in a vaccuum there are things coming and going in that gap.

and yet,
when Rebecca says "I love you." as we say goodbye, and I do think she means it, I am insecure, and laugh as I say "love you too."
and shake, what a crazy woman, not communicating forever, but she will still say that, when I could have forgotten it had been so long.
But now, maybe, I never will.
I love you too, Rebecca.!

and here is the mystery,
still, yet, as, so, I am still, yet, as, so, typing typing silently by myself, interrupted only by an occasional fart, regurgitation, asshole in #56, stampeding of cats, leaselady saying "fushy! fhushy! fiss!" (wispering loudly) to a cat in her path,
I am still here typing to myself, staying with myself, making little effort to spend time with more people. I can love them this way.

But it is different from that joy known long ago, where every day was paradise.
I've had glimpses of it with Joanna, when we both would express mutual enthusiasm.
coming back to things to look forward to , their intensity, frequency, duration.

there is the deep engagement, the feeling of power, and knowing the software well enough, the language, to make things happen that one values and others value. There is the engagement of exploring that abstract (software) world. a joy, or just a great satisfaction, of knowing, "what I can dream, I can effect"

what I can dream, I can effect.

there is engagement and even joy of dancing, or say meditation,

but there is a reason why these meditative losers won't get unstuck from their concerns with relationships. For some reason they see value in relationships, in communicating with others. in loving people of all the things they could choose to love. Are they not aware of what they're getting into? They are not. Or they are and they continue to do so.

Mutual enthusiasm, what power

?

to be fair, the nice guys in #56 aren't as inconsiderate (at least recently) as the dickwads down the hall, but their music (that of the /dev/nulls down the hall) is but a whisper when I shut my door. Who are these beings who--

p418
What pattern is repeated over and over again in your life?
None you fucker!!!
getting up, going swimming, going to work, listening to hal think out loud (to be fair, I get to so impose on him on occasion),
eating too much, spitting it back up, etc. etc.
Hmm, finding part-time work?
"intellectual whoredom" not an appropriate term, but whose was that--carmen or rachel? (quickly getting to talk about intimate things with people, a long deep conversation for one afternoon/evening/night, or a few, then not, neither of us really feeling the draw to continue)
not even that.

a pattern? something that repeats? a regular form.
none, you fucker was probably the correct response. not correct, but appropriate.

Who do you take yourself to be right now?
No one.

Now if you step back, you can situate me in time and patterns of repeated behavior, but these, while in reality are who I am, what I constitute, and probably the greatest effects my life will have on others, are merely to sustain the mind in me, to sustain it-- to give it new food on occasion, to insure it has room to do what it will do,

while also attempting to train it not to reflexively nosepick, overeat, etc.

so I take myself to be a support system for a mind, a mind which I'm not sure what it will be doing, other than living, and, most likely dying.

And yet, there are those times, like Dancing on the steps in front of Alma Mater (what does Alma mean?), where I think I'm doing something both uniquely valuable to myself, and also special and important to the others who participate--those who see me meditating or dancing--something perhaps unusual in that spot (though there were a bunch of students watching an ice cube melt, (but, less extraordinarly, it was actually a video/film of an ice cube melting)). I see people with less than content expressions on their faces.

I see hordes of well-dressed people. I know it takes tons of money to live in that area, where a mere 20 blocks north where I'm living now, things are much cheaper, even if there is the occasional inspiration of someone squatting at the edge of the curb to ...

I did imagine as springed off, that one nice tall, but not too thin woman, well dressed as they most all are, was, had been, in fact enjoying watching me, not the icecube, and I did smile at her, perhaps, or by her, before beginning to jog, run away.

Ah, Columbia--for poor carmen, who went to school there, it is not such a wonder-wonder land, because of the experiences she associates with those places?

I wrote to Joanna, in a rare email, that I went out there monday night and sat on the steps in front of the old library (after walking along the river), listening to the voices--
like in that big piazza (piatsa) in Venice, and thinking why isn't everyplace like this. There is of course a shallowness due to that characteristic in the primary population of that area, I think, but it needn't be that way.

and that because it was so warm, wearing hardly anything.

Che bella! (sp?)

a wonderful thing I learned in Itally

Che bella!


I was not really dancing, not in sense that I have done on moonlit tennis courts.

Anne says feecy feecy feese

and endless variations, creative

less appreciative of these sounds is my actual state.


what the fuck is she doing now?

she is buried under piles of junk and spends weekends on occasion moving it back and forth, rattling it around. and if we are lucky, cleaning the 6 cats' litter box.

oftentimes, things are quite nice here, and the rent is $325, friendly kitty and utilities included.

there is one orangeish tabby with white socks on its rear paws, who loves to roll around on the kitchen floor as if it were an incredibly sensuous experience, reminding me somewhat (at this moment at any rate) of dana's (the one I met at dancespace) writhing.


p418 "how do you fill your wholes?"
eating, visiting friends, working, hacking away at the computer, working on my website, calling people on occasion, swimming, daydreaming, meditating

p418 "Explore your experience of emptiness and deficiency."
I want to be physically awesome, like I was when I was dancing alot, but I also want to have my mind and let it play, and see where it will go.
If I feel deficient, it might only be in relation to others, like with Joanna, there are times I wish I was carrying around less junk, had nicer, cleaner, sweeter-smelling clothes, etc.
Sometimes I feel like I could be a sharper thinker, but I know there's plenty of content non-geniuses, so that doesn't make me feel deficient, but is more a form of awareness of what might be difficult for me.

there are times I wish I made more money, my financial situation somewhat forces me to live (I chose my financial situation) in a certain way, which limits some social opportunities, but I'm not discontent because of how I'm living, and I could always take a full time job if such status ever became more important to me.

I feel deficient in acting appropriately in certain social situations. I don't think I'm very compassionate--or rather empathetic with what other people are feeling. There are others--Zach Abbot was one, the Englishes are others, who have made me feel incredibly welcome- they are so friendly. I value how they are, and yet I have in both cases not treated them as well as they might have treated me--leaving Zach behind when he was clearly in no state to ride at my pace down the coast, or not writing the Englishes as much, or even said goodbye in person, as I was bailing from monterey.
Or when Joanna was hurt, or even in emails--some people say "take care" at the bottom, but that is hard for me to do, even though I think it is nice when other people do so for me.

there are others who are the opposite--Rebecca would often sign her emails merely 'rjs' or 'rs', but I wanted to see her whole name there!

I know that lack of empathy or compassion, or whatever it is reduces my attractiveness to certain of my friends--perhaps now I shall not be seeing as much of Joanna, for example.

But I want people who can accept and value that hardness. And who are o.k. expressing it themselves. I know Joanna has it for example, but I don't know how at home with it she is. Obviously I'm not at home with mine myself.

Really, as seligman said, if people (HAL!) are always (true, he was complaining about making midterms one day) how d'ye do, and take care and what not, you start to wonder if there is anything there.

So, on one hand, I'm quite skeptical about all this talk of higher states of development leading to greater compassion and service to others--those aren't necessarily values I seem to be attempting to cultivate in myself.

Yet, of course, I remain impressed in some way, by Zach, The Englishes, Al Schweitzer, Hal, even as I think they (well I can't say that about Schweitzer) lack the hardness to create the kind of adventures or expereiences I seek.

Yet again, there is that quote, "if the path does not have a heart, then it is useless."

to go back to what I have long taken as a root of mine, or my root, I think I loved Kyle because I felt /could see/ that she expressed love to/for everyone.

at the same time, I think I've done quite well- hugging carmen,
well, not being like I've perceived some people to be ($Iris)...

er, what was the question? experience of deficiency?

I guess that's it- I would love to do something socially and financially recognized as valuable (more than now) but value most letting my mind go where it will, and if social recognition of value comes of that, then great.
But I do always have an eye out for how I might be able to move into a better position where I will still have even more fun/interest, more money, more social appreciation, and yet still love what I was doing!

On days when work is an unpleasant experience (rare), I think to myself, "what am I doing here?"


p418
"what's right about avoiding feeling empty?"
i.e., 'keep moving'? I can keep functioning- I like to keep moving not sit in a daze with no clue what to do--until the times I feel like feeling empty, perhaps.

2002-04-20-1410
napping, My dreams reminded me I have a concern about not bothering others-- my father, not slamming doors, not tracking mud in house.

some guy, asking where rachel might have gone, was telling me (like someone in the pool locker room might-as we were in the shower room)--all imposingly friendly like- you know- going out of his way to firmly hold your hand--that he thought he'd be leader of some personal-type foundation (like the kind -nevermind)--and that he'd somehow overcome a last developmental challenge by swearing off the internet (he was calling rachel the internet girl--no basis for that in real life). To that I said something like, "you're probably didn't really overcome that last challenge yet, in that case." And he acted like he realized the truth of what I said and was thankful (he needs to not swear anything off, but realize the value of all-according to what the folks in the books I've been reading would have you believe, and personally, there is quite a lot good about the internet, that I believe deeply is very special--the only one I know who comes close to having a perspective like that (not valuing the internet) is Joanna? but she clearly uses it and values it but is just more emphatic of its potential for increasingly isolating humans than others). I was relieved to evade his somewhat overly warm and friendly presence- sort of like an imposingly friendly gay man.

earlier... like a moby video (by the way I saw a guy who looked like him on 6th ave)
my sister was photographing the neighborhood kids playing school in the middle of the cul-de-sac, and I wished I was somewhat like her, all in the middle of things, cheery and interacting with these kids, who were doing quite an interesting thing. (I had been impressed by them before she came along).

earlier..
I was contemplating hugging my mom, expressing love for her-- this was probably after she'd had one of her little exasperations directed somewhat at me for not doing something she'd wished I had done, but that she came to understand (without me saying a word) that it was unreasonable to have expected anyone to do what she had hoped to have done. (something like picking a bit of twist-tie, or something out of a partly eaten/cut into piece of cake or bread?)

why did I write about my dreams again?

probably because it is at least as frivolous a use of time as all the rest of what I've been doing.

btw, ever since I snapped yesterday, I've been writing sitting up at a desk (for the most part) a significant change, and I think, improvement!

p418
p419
Deborah and I have incorporated this active listening exercise into our lives. Having the other person just listen for 10 minutes several times a week gives us another level of connection and mutual understanding.

p420
if you have love but you have no will, your love will not be real etc.
if you have love but no objective consciousness, the your love and will may be directed toward the wrong things.


thank god that on page 421 is

Colinclusion =- the point is to be real

systole - heart contraction
diastole - exapansion of the heart on each beat


the serious problems in life are never fully solved.
if ever they should appear to be so it is a sure sign that something has been lost.
the meaning and purpose of a problem seems to lie not in its solution but inour working at it incessantly. -carl jung

-computer science!-

p422 I've met people who are exceptionally successful in their chosen fields but seem utterly diconnected from their hearts or from any committed social or spiritual purpose.

p423 overvaluing the skills of thinking etc undervaluing those of the heart.

p424 honesty unbalanced by compassion is cruelty.

eager to become more passionately involved with others.

'contained in every judgement I make is some difficulty with self-acceptance'

--he qualifies this (he knows wilber):
that doesn't mean...

p427--completing a book I'd been working on for five years--

frightened about facing critical response to something I'd worked on for so long.

p428
A couple of years after I began work on this book, I returned to psychotherapy.

all these people in psychotherapy, and I'm not, what, aside from cost, is the deal-- even maslow (and carmen) for god's sake!

I have considered it, but having such low respect for most 'experts' is part of it, and I'd have to want to do it.

perhaps if I were in relationships more than I'd think I'd have more issues to deal with...

but really psychotherapy is not the solution for the masses, and while these individuals like it, and I do not think they should not be doing it, I really feel with the book, "against psychotherapy"

Against therapy: emotional tyranny and the myth of psychological healing / Jeffrey Mousaieff Masson

at least there is progoff- who seems to be advocating a kind of approach that everyone can use, not just the well-to do (and which I may be using a sort of in this writing)
(ira progoff, _at a journal workshop_ website)
http://www.intensivejournal.org/
what's very cool about the progoff approach, is that he has actual stories of the 'lower classes' using his method--poor working parents, etc., how they value his method. I wonder what Schwartz thought about progoff.

p429 -re therapist: he didn't need to be right.

p430
the road to wisdom is an obstacle course

I have spent much of my time detouring around New Age popularizers, self-promoting hucksters, and charismatic demagogues posing as enlightened teachers.

he should list them, that way I could see if progoff was in them--I have not yet fully read progoff.

p431 does one's inner exploration ultimately enhance the quality of one's participation in the world?


p432 It's not just that there is wisdom to be found in America, but that these comprehensive approaches are emerging primarily in America. Perhaps never before have they been so desperately needed.

an interesting statment, but how true is it--his book did not explore european / eastern approaches, and that does not mean they're not there.
Clearly what ever things are happening in asian culture can influence far more people than what occurs in the US. Which of these techniques cross over, if any?


p434 Ken became a true soul mate in my continuing search--and a wonderful friend.

p435 I drew on many books.
two were exceptionally useful
Walter Anderson's _The Upstart Spring_ is by far the best history yet written about the early years at Esalen.
_Storming Heaven_ by Jay Stevens is the best book I came across about the history of psychedelic drugs in this country.

p436
If I had to recommend 6 books to anyone
I'd choose _Essence_ by A. H. Almaas (or equally, Diamond Heart: Part One)
_A path with heart_ by Jack Kornfield
_the Enneagram_ by Helen Palmer
_Grace and Grit_ or _No Boundary_ by ken wilber
_beyond biofeedback_ by Elmer and Alyce Green
_The road less traveled_ by M scott peck

and Judith Herman's _Trauma and Recovery_ a book that speaks brilliantly not just to victims of physical and sexual abuse but to a much broader group of people who have suffered other, subtler forms of trauma.

morning runs with Steven Weinstock

very nice acknowledgements!

thank you Tony Schwartz,
congratulations!


now? two days of web site work?
.