Tue 14 May 2002 17:52
????
I just want to write and program, not look for a room!!!
I did have fun painting the signs which are wholly inappropriate & poorly designed. Significantly more interesting than standard urban posting fare, but ? but?

I'll probably just post a sign a day until I run out, while looking elsewhere for a room. I may end up in a brooklyn backwater. Not a lot of joy to write of today.

Nothing terrible.
who am I writing for?
slight and diminishing infection in right tip of nose (opposite from last time), in spite of minimal nosepicking.

The thought of making a normal sign seemed so sad.

Bay Ridge, here I come!

Se renten cuartos places. I will call them tomorrow?

Yeah. May as well. & post your one sign.

time, money, money.

I should be able to last till the end of the year here, regardless of what happens.

Things to be learned:
(1) It seems I do not wish to be homeless.
(2) It seems I wish to have a somewhat conventional intimate relationship with a woman--at least I can conceive of so wanting because what little I've seen of sara, has made me think, well, I hardly know her but her presence feels like something I could spend time with. She has positive energy without the expressed intensity of Joanna. which I love, but do not feel I would want to live with forever. More something than carmen, who sometimes comes across as, well, read earlier entries. More of responding to me? Like rachel, in that she doesn't toe the line on traditional feminine style, while J & C in their own ways both do. style/orientation.
I don't think she's a lesbian or devout catholic, but have not asked.
She's older than rachel and established in herself and in the world in a way that rachel and I are not.

while she might find it interesting to spend time with me now, I have a lot to do before I would consider being able to mean more to her or to anyone.

That lot to do quite well might take me away from the possibility of (2)

but the point is, I would prefer to live in a somewhat respectable place to make it reasonable to conceive of spending time with Sara/other women friends in that place.

Contrast finding a room in a place with weekly rates--more of a temporary place to keep ones body than an establishment.

(into babble mode food induced?)

this morning I was somewhat messed up.

I wrote:
5/14
post swim perf state
(Good/Good, wanting to work in certain ways but needing more time - start earlier
Jourk[?] earlier

mechanism setting in --
she feels it too--
( Self correcting
If you've got it wrong
she knows it too.
Mech  lack of grace
Frenzy  system
knowing cues
how to build

but still--
will she want to play the game-
to be the best
so contrived?
what is the path this one will take?
DANCE
out by 8:15
PG by 8:20
wait --
or leave.

ERROR!

ENVISION IDEAL
construct it
work towards it

Balance between time w others, time w/ self.

Wilber's solitary 3 yrs

POOL SC,
Not Relaxed

or do exercises until she shows--out of pool [?]
  by 8:15 - dance in clothes -
           
----
basically, I'm not at ease in the morning,
knowing(?) progress in these relationships during the week occurs only at that time.

progress.
constructing of more common experience and basis for meaning.
so there!

caring too much, in other words.

caring too much.

I had it right once, but recently, out of alignment.

mechanism is an issue. the major issue

by that I mean appearing and being mechanical:
How are you?
good,   good,good.

when really, I'm nothing.


I'm nothing.

dance is what I am
I do not give myself enough time.

people are who I am, and mean so much to me.

sigh.

I am a composite just like a computer program.

Except I know that the only way to become more is to composite more?

to composite better.

there was a time when I had a girlfriend, and then, then I was spared something, which I'm not spared now.

I was obsessed with her.
Well then maybe it's better you didn't send them.
oh, it wouldn't have mattered.

yeah. [joanna's yee-ah]

I am stuck out like an infected nose on a pale face.
the eyes of people.
my eyes on people.
that one hot woman, hot in mind, hot in what she thinks of herself, hot physically, squatted down by her locker[, pale pants follow form, but for the pockets on her butt and a disturbance at the warm pit of the knee. Her face is that of a man's in a woman's body who knows she has a good one]. I know her name. knew it once. [I spoke to her once. I may have written it down.]
all this hotness?

and what is it for?

the palette concept which I've been writing enigmatically, I suppose to keep it in my mind, but perhaps also because I know someone else could be reading this.

That hotness is one of the colors which can be used to make a painting.

The forest of attractive women that is NYC, midtown/battery park city on a warm sunny day, can be used or not.

Such a not exciting thing to talk about. I hope to arrange things to where their shapes and sex and curves and pheremones and style and my thought of their juices and smooth fabric filling, pressed tight, at the crotch gap, at the creases of the breasts, around the larger lower rounder smooth shapely soft organic forms  draw my senses less, because I know I have a more concentrated essence of that which is wafting my way on photons and ester rings to drink of melt with every morning and evening. One is mine, to the extent another can be one's own.

But the form and it's pull on my attention, that bearing on that pivot-board, is not a thing that can induce action. It induces the awareness that acting would be futile. For that draw will always(?) be there again, even if I have a vagina of my own by my side to distract me(?) (No woman, reading that will hang with me :) ? but yeah, I've thought it. and if a woman had the patience to read this far, there's something curious about her?)

remembering my time with rebecca, I know how inappropriate that is... how quite _not_ so that is. In fact, that is the issue. All these alluring, because of one's biology, physical features of the female are not and won't ever be the ma-

masturbate and get on with one's life?

there is limited point in dwelling here for many minutes more.

I'm just asking for my fate. I wonder what it shall be. It has not been terribly unpleasant so far.

so I savour their form and radiating aura in my mind while searching for words that can prolong and embrace my play with this shade.

This sex, it is a color that is there.
that is all I can say.
I don't know how to handle best.
obviously I've been playing with it to some positive and lasting effect. I have been able to spend time with women, and all that women mean.

I know I can't handle them. I can do little more than this. Not happy, not sad, follows, only focus, engagement for a time.

And I'll see her again, and we'll talk like people as we might.

She'll say X, she'll feel Y. She'll remain reinforced, or she'll because of my frenzy or some other attribute or lack (or me with respect to her) or --

or our view of whats possibly reinforcing shall evlove as it cannot but do in any situation.


and here, I shall write my days away, testament to once speaking with Her.

I once spoke with her, and here I am in all shallow, so hallow.


not shallow at all. I dive deep into her juice, her cream. clear blue dark cold. after initial warm closepressing silk mucuous villi

like those depth competition free divers.

and I come up bleeding from my ears, nose, eyes, and I haven't seen the other parts, but maybe those too.

so it is.

fuck you.



























reading and re-reading the above, flashes the image in my mind of a slightly unexercised arm, belonging to one who might have been one of those attractive women in bryant park.

flashes in my mind also is the top of joanna's pubic hair as she shows (not like the reader imagines) how the top of her pants are too loose, but just right around her hips (Carmen has same issue. I fancy Sara is more narrow hipped. I appreciate hips. I note that Sara's hips are perhaps not as shapely. yet sara is the one at this moment I'm fancying being able to love the most.
I'm not sure Rachael had any form but thinness, wiryness (not anorexicness as in some), but they are both atmosphere I've chosen over others. And if I were loving them physically, I would tell them they are beautiful, and I call them beautiful now, though they, neither, have what that hot squatting optometry student has (in the degree she does), and what of it?)

what of it? There probably is a point where a form is no longer feminine. What does the body need. Joyce Vedral's advice to ensure sex with prospective husband will be reasonably satisfying before committing to someone who won't cut it.

I don't know what to say.

And what of insecurity? And effect of beauty on the posessor?

That may be the common theme. I clearly have avoided women who know they're beautiful in the standard way. Joanna, yes (beautiful in the standard way), Carmen, yes (beautiful in the standard way). Rebecca, rachael, (not beautiful in the standard way, but rebecca does have a body I have loved as beautiful and called 'like a marble statue' because, hers was. rachael I can't say what I'd say. Sara's is just fine. Her face is beautiful in what way I can't say, but I do say more beautiful than all the others? I have not experienced much. Rebecca's is better in person than in pictures?

I do say more beautiful than all the others, to the point I know it now.

What if a woman was uncommonly beautiful in the standard way, but was like, I want to say sara is, but do not know.

I'm not sure if it is possible.

commonly appreciated beauty affects personality in a way I do not value?

now there is the thought that like likes like.

If I were both the genius and the stud of the age, (1) I would be in very different social circles

but my place has made me, and I do not wish to leave my place, (the thought of being in how I imagine those social circles to be does not appeal).

Does beauty channel people into standard roles, while non-beauty

what of the beautiful and non-standardly successful (whoops, oxymoron?)

someone who was at one time an mit person (media lab?) comes to mind.

my future still holds possibility of being [positively] non-standardly successful by standard standards.


enough! I'm falling asleep. and hoped to wrap up the "the life we are given" book this evening. Must get to wilber's aesthetics essay before the 19th and possibly more of his work.

I'll leave it as this:

I'm not perfect.
You're not perfect.
but we can play the game
I might not have my act together enough.
She may not have enough ________

Ah! and I have succeeded again in meeting my most basic criterium of success: I have passed another day.
Certainly like some, I could have made more money, ... etc.
what one practices, one excels.
I am becoming Highly Skilled at passing time well.
Should my minimal wants ever be provided by some patron for life (and should I accept), I will probably be well prepared.

2039
Assuming I, because of lack of standard industry, ship myself off to the farther reaches of the Bronx, Brooklyn, or possibly even Queens, or Staten Island, far from my beloved sara, my familiar carmen, my basic need of a 50 M swimming pool and closeness to a shoreline

--I am eating more than I need to. Anthony says, you may not understand now, but once people press over 40 the death motivation can become quite strong in some. She smokes. More likely to do things they know are killing them.

back to far-off shipping.

that will effectively end several relationships? especially if I don't make it back to the pool. Call the quarto places for god's sake!

Make a more standard room sign! Large letters, say little .

o.k. tomorrow, weds. could go to lp or 3dsmax meeting. You'd like both. but I'd rather be here! solitary. not making new friends seeing the making of a lil romeo video,

no, simple sign. large letters, say little (1)
call quartos places (2)

no more to do.

my entire being is vital balanced and healthy.

my entire being knows it has to make more money if I want to play the games I want to play. Why can't I be drawn to others as poor as I am? Why must they become med students, be architects, successful, industrious, violinists

hey. in time things will work out. !!

enjoy whatever it is that is happening. It's entertaining enough.

In fact,

Isn't it quite astounding that I can entertain myself for hours in this way!

hours.


my entire being is vitalbalancedandhealthy.

my entire being is vital, balanced, and healthy.
my entire being is vital, balancde and healthy.
my entire being is vital, balanced and healthy.

what a trip!

Where should we go next.
You know. I was thinking. I would
and

then--

yes,

                                but,

             while,


    and surely you knew!


                    she slowly


                                            oh!



         pate de fois gras





   and I got to make up



                    
                         what



                          ever



         they

                                               said











   playing in the scrolling field



















                                  the stick animations


                      using page down key.


       sleep.
       take me,

       before,



       .





Don't worry about the room thing for the next 15 days. except for checking loot.

still too early.

unnecessary anticipation

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