Sun 19 May 2002 22:39
we forget for a time that we are dying.

Taleigh

Will I hang with the quakers?

for such a beautiful and powerful person to think I am beautiful

to _say_


the tennis courts this morning

the cold, wind, sun, skateboard

macbeth

tom

a woman who remembered my name, heard once.

a child's violin, my first time playing a violin.

flinging self high against chain link fence

_as if_

I spent hours thinking about my problem, an hour.

acting with passion in accordance with culture was one result.

another was acting _as if_ (from the life we are given book--instructions on affirmations)

that was the only real result.

She is like the girl in the William Glasser Reality Therapy book-
the girl, in highschool, smart, attractive,
asked boys she wanted to have sex with to do just that, and did, and if they were becoming too attached to her, ended.

She is not like that girl in the william glasser reality therapy book.

She has been with many men. She can have whom she wishes.

(these are po statements? (provocative))

She is completing her PhD. That doesn't matter any more--she was already way up there.

but caps what I had resolved to focus on

acting _as if_ I were of her place

Like with nathan--acting _as if_ a relationship with me could be of interest to someone as worldly powerful as him.

sexual dimorphism wigs me out

to be loving someone so much smaller, and she's a very nice size, not short at all

and yeah, I practiced feeling for her

I practiced loving her.

and I cried when she played.

and was crying still when Jasmin (m) played. Because music can move me that way.

that presence I was feeling was love.

it was a warmness filling the upper body.

If I sit there silently while you are present, that may be what I am doing.

The day (s) was wonderful.

I suppose food-cooking, was simple engagement, but enjoyment of her as well

These musicians live in a different and special world.

I love their world.


some magician guy is jumping off a pillar in bryant park.

fascinating how she is so open with physical affection, intimate kind

while for others, that is a no-go, and touchy area

Taleigh and war-tax resistance

a woman policy

Learning how to love... with different people


she is so silent. she just kisses.

and we are so slow and slothful,
not like squirrels running around a tree.

she is like a little girl, and she is not.

I said everything I might have wanted to say to her,
and wonderfully, that was not much (though still not a small amount)

I wonder what thoughts and impressions stay with her afterwards.

no one wants to live in the tremont area of the bronx.

I think you should come back to the pool, because I like it when you're there.

I think that's partly why I don't want to be there. I want isolation at the pool not social performance, social closeness, familiarity. There is the experience of dancing in a new place, where the dance is unexpected

v. the atmosphere where it is expected you will dance.

That's not partly why I don't want to be there...


but I don't want to be there, and am having fun elsewhere.

I suppose, I'm not terribly attached to her.

I like the joanna approach

I mean, I know I can learn a lot from her.

I know I can have a lot of fun with her.

but what we build will be evanescent
lacking that, "I want to be with you the rest of my life" quality.

a questionable quality?

no social constraints at the tennis courts (v. the pool, on movement--no dragging oneself across floor. No singing/shouting as loud as one can.)

I know I can learn about sex from her, if we get there/when-

I was telling her what I thought I wanted my art, if it was, to be:
to be encouraging other people to act/move creatively

Doesn't the cirque du soleil do that?

well, yeah.

connoiseur of fine playgrounds

bagpipes.

death.

dead tired.
love,
colin


2002-05-19-2342
I wouldn't mind being devastated when you left.
that would mean I had loved you intensely.

devastation is good for my music
I wouldn't choose it
.