Sat 18 May 2002 23:39
I prefer not to write at times like these.
I may not be going to sleep for a while, late tho it is.
Do nothing?
do nothing.
heinous,
love
misery
sing
green
lips
room
sex
dogs
pizza
do nothing.
let's run
let's fuck
this is splendid
this is so beautiful
this is
I am so wooden
I have so much self doubt
see me cry and pity self.
I am a little kid
i am a little boy
loving as a little boy loves
except when left on my own.
why the contrast?
why the lag.
I love you.
tunnel.
let's run
let's run
what should we do next?
we should go to new jersey
I should get my tennis raquet so you can beat me.
What should we do next?
What do you want?
What do I want?
Why do I feel nothing?
why do I feel nothing?
why are you lying?
Why are you wrong?
why do you write?
it is not your medium.
but it lasts...
a dance is gone.
it cannot serve to shock the future only the present. Unless, videorecorded.
and if I were to dance?
how would I dance?
I am tired. I shall dance with my hands.
and if I were to sing. If I were to sing
I shall not sing, for it whould make noise
and I am tired. and I shall dance with my hands.
If I were to record to a video camera, what would I say?
I would say, "Sara(h) kissed me tonight."
I don't even know how to spell her name.
I would say, I'm deciding to spend $50 more per month for a
dwelling-space than is prudent because an apt all to oneself on 110th
street is too good an opportunity to pass up.
especially given the possibility that a woman like sara might wish to spend time with you in it.
And if she doesn't? or if she goes off her own way after her brief unknowing of her and my self?
Well, then, it still would be quite a phenomenal difference. Given that even $450/room is not simple to do
I am eating sunflower seeds, more than I need perhaps.
I am .
and
things shall work out for the best.
practice makes.
so wooden.
there is a reason for that.
psychs would have a reason for that.
Women friends seem to mean more to me than male friends.
Psychs would have a reason for that.
things shall work out for the best.
Sarah! Shara! sarah!
Sarah is a person who.
She really is beautiful, many others would agree.
It's not the fabricated kind though. not the prefab kind. Well, perhaps I shall see her tomorrow.
Get shoes tomorrow
time shall clear things up.
time shall clear things up.
I shall dance with my hands.
I shall watch white letters move across a black screen.
I shall be tired
I shall
I shall
I am
I
It has been wonderful to have this opportunity..
I am distracted, because it does mean so much..
She is, and relation to me.
Age does matter.
I have been feeling more self-doubt recently. My first time out of school.
Self doubt.
I am not eating sunflower seeds any more..
I am typing something you will never read.
I am typing something you will never read.
don't your hands get tired from all that typing.
no, the bottle neck is more likely the eyes.
It is so wonderful here.
I have a friend whose windows open out onto inwood park. The forest is right there. it is incredible.
His windows open,,
I have a friend who..
I have a friend who.
his windows open..
think....
do you think you think to much?
I used to, but not any more.
Do you think?
what?
I'm not italian.
what?
I'm not italien.
The sauce is good.
the sauce is good.
silence.
silence.
time,
familiarity..
sex.
time
familiarity.
sex.
kissing?
Kissing?
kiss?
thank you.
thank you..
should i call
not a crisis tonight.
no
I'll see you tomorrow?
what is she doing?
I don't know who she is.
I don't know who she is.
Someone I met, how long ago?
I spent a lot of time with her one day in central park.
like I have with so many others.
Like I have with so many others.
A lexbiian
a devout catholic
a friend named peter.
and ages others.
many others, countable, but not rewarding counting.
and.
yes, I have fantasized.
I have fatasized.
I have already married her, had a child with her, followed her to seattle.
yes.
I have already married her, had a child with her, followed her to seattle.
but,
I have already married carmen, had a child with her, and remained in NYC.
I have already married Joanna, had three children with her, and moved to illinois.
or is it indiana?
anyone else?
I have already married peter, bought a puppy and moved to the village.
Peter and I, yes, we'd be great together.
and so it goes.
why do I feel nothing?
well, conlin, no different than with rebecca.
except it was a long time before she even asked for a kiss, and then,
you only gave her a hug, and you left perplexed as you did this evening.
and when she left, you were devastated. properly devastated.
you really loved her, intensely.
So? so-- who knows what sara will continue to decide.
The issue we have.
the self-image we have.
is not enough for sara.
not enough for my image of sara.
not enough for joanna.
enough enough for carmen.
enough enough for rachel.
the self image we have is
closely related to income.
and security of future means of securing an income.
and future
and
and, I'm getting tired.
reread number 1.
there's no more to add.
Sarah! what's the deal??
Thank you for kissing me tonight!
though I doubt I kissed you the way you wished I might.
not that that matters.
not that that matters.
Italian.
What's going on in there sara?
what's going on!
Thank you sara
The great dissociative and autistic problem.
She may not see the problems I see.
She may not care.
She was expressing some sort of affection.
perhaps only physical affection.
perhaps quite a lot more?
In 1, 2, three significant interactions, she could already love in a more than physical way?
Can she love in an only physical way.
What should we do next?
I think we should go to new jersey.
yes we should.
what do I know about her--
emotionally, not as expressive as joanna
not even as expressive as carmen.
not always even keel,
but like a baby with a good temperament.
she is a musician
she likes to smell things. even mushrooms that don't smell good.
I know that I don't know her.
I know she is pleasant to spend time with.
I know she is beautiful. (my beauty)
I know she said, "let's run!"
I know I walk around and ponder more..
I know I've got to get away from wandering around..
hence cooking.
I want to see her frown.
I want to see her cry.
I'd rather not be the cause of those emotions, but I wish to see them.
And _you_ colin.
you have a lot of work to do.
You are foolish in thinking she has less work to do than you.
but you are not.
she is 28 years old. She has black/dark hair, shoulder length in waves. she does not wear glasses. She is fit.
she is a violinist.
she went to oberlin.
she has a car.
she grew up in alaska.
she worked at mcd's then at blockbuster.
she swam in the ocean off Long island until october.
She has friends, male friends.
she appreciates good music.
she has standards for music. That is exciting to her. she has ideas about how things should be.
she doesn't like traditional weddings.
she didn't do anything for her mother on mother's day.
she did buy a ticket to see them (parents) memorial day weekend.
she stays up late.
she..
do you want to talk about relationship psychobabble now? I don't feel much great interest in that myself. But understand,
understand, I wish to love you the way you wish to be loved.
I have many questions when it comes to love.
and I do not.
I have questions about what is best.
physical love.
emotional love.
love.
long term, sarah.
what is the purpose of time?
can't we be like we always will be, now?
The get rid of him book. for her?
her, what other relationships?
me, not feeling beautiful, but knowing I'm beautiful
she's a little girl.
she's an older woman.
can't we be like we always will be, now?
we won't always be anything
I'd do anything for you, dear,
she's a little girl.
she crawled under a fence in her pajamas, ahead of me.
"good thing, we're skinny"
swinging.
that was fun.
sarah, let's play.
she's short.
er, not as tall as I am.
mmm, nose harvest.
talk, talk, talk.
why do I feel nothing?
I loved cooking pizza.
and barring unforseen, I'll see her tomorrow.
am i happy to see her tomorrow, or just occupied?
It shall get me somewhere new.
Is life her? or is life,
say, valerie?
Hi colin,
automaton
say high to frank. take the apt. lose $600/yr. spend $600/yr on
o.k.
good night.
0041
.