Mon 20 May 2002 16:48
too much time composing an email to a list related to carfree issues. a special list. I've been so inactive

I'm eating whole peeled tomatoes, corn grits, hard winter wheat, parsley, garlic. the hard winter wheat is undercooked (because the polenta(corn grits) used up all the water too soon), so must be well chewed. Very good.

Parsley from the historic NewStart pizza endeavor on saturday with, sigh, sara, whose name I now know how to spell (spelt on the program of a faculty recital for concordia conservatory).

I've been so inactive, I feel special Joel (of http://carfree.com) remembered me. I visited him one day in Amsterdam, and never sent a thank you or let him know what became of me.

and two microwaved eggs

1723
a bit of room seeking effort as well

carfree is important to me, but obviously has fallen into the background of my life in my pursuit of joy.

This morning I was tripped out from the weekend. I danced/raved/rolled on a basketball court near 133rd, climbed chainlink fences, dip-stepped bleachers, [walked and thought, stood quiet], saluted the sun, then ran to work through central park. did not eat till  now.

work was work and only now is the fun beginning,

while staring at displays of lines, I was tripped out on this weekend. Tripped out on musicians.

To think--Joe, a base player on cruise ships, wants to quit that and work in computers.

But, quite possibly, I was experiencing some of the best. I am.

And there is sara, I don't know what will become of her,
It's like another world, and I'm not sure what to make of it. her straddling[] my knee, as I'm finally feeling [the physical, the warmness of] love

just the same, just the same, I feel like I could never see her again--I've already gotten so much, so hugely much [and I don't believe what she's doing, it's not real to me yet, she transformed in my mind in two days, though there were hints]

It trips me out to think that these people are attracted to me, I don't believe it's real, as if there's some surface layer between me and they...

Rebecca knows me though.

my existence seems as if by a hair.
they were talking of improbabilities of the formation of the universe. My universe is the same.

act _as if_ it is solid? act _as if_ it is more than mist blowing by?

Unlike Ram Dass, I don't have to try to be nothing being something being nothing (or whatever). I'm quite nothing!

I am something, but

well, alright, these other people aren't anything either. It's the whole "generalized other" business again.

to other people they are something, to themselves, they are nothing.

some people are something

I've been something.

to be something is to have life be ease and an expression of personal power--the money is coming in in a loving way, and the world is yours.

The rest is uncertainty.

can be content with less, with enough, but when one interacts with people with more...

my station is quite fine.

But to be a musician!

a whole other world. to live by one's art, and one's art is the sound one produces.

I sob as she plays.

she has power and her wand is her violin-

I had power and my power was a computer. it made me money.

could I make a sound to similar effect?

Could I zone out every evening practicing a violin?

will that be my next dance?

--
This is what I wrote in the last interim:
Let's read a play to each other

I am your good friend who you're getting to know better who you are attracted to and who is attracted to you
[what are you to me?
I'm not your girlfriend
I know you're not my girlfriend.]

[reverse?] of joanna


_I don't want it -_ ?

she doesn't know herself?

[Oh, to say, "I have to practice." "I want to practice." that is so beautifuul]

I don't love myself
  loving you in that way.

 Things I do w/ out thinking
  -Quakers -

I don't want to love you physically w/o loving your mind?

Like a dream that never happened

-The conv[ersation] w/ tom
    embarrasment -
 
 Not saying you were an experienceartist [damn]

[colin, you are an experienceartist. if anyone, even a morgan banker asks you what you do, you are an artist with experience, your life is your art. If they don't understand, reassure them, it is a constant mystery to yourself as well.] [got it?!]

[above was all from last night]
05/20/2002

Amazing Amazing morning
          all the way to
leaping every 3rd [step]
42nd

Violin Vision

Tom's Midlife Crisis.  [au meliu del camino: dante, go off with bimbo to las vegas, get a motorcycle, or start band in the suburbs]

Toes--
extension

Carmine pool--

-call metropolitan pool

Wsi
Violin instr.

would you help me get a violin?

my entire being is vital, balanced, and healthy

how do people love?
how has she loved
what have her _best_ moments been?
--sex-
-- balanced --
She has dark hair
    I love that
What has she liked
    _best about others?_

Why is it when
  we look at ourselves

When I look at
myself I see
imperfections
while others see
beauty--
  to me the imperfections
glare others
  see beauty -

--
as an artist [I want to approach this]
--

It seems so besides
the point - [to play tennis or hike to new jersey-palisades]
--
presence

I need to play myself-

What have I liked
  the best?
what have I liked the least?

_As if_ beaut -

Sara - practice -
  disturbs?

[later]

I don't care about changing/affecting behavior of others?
[after carfree]
-----



.