Tue 21 May 2002 18:02
I made it back

I had fun!

work was work, but I've had since 1305 to forget

I returned to the pool this morning, but did most of the Kata, chainlink fence scaling, pullups, pushups, dips, standing in quietness (in tai chi pose where legs are bent and hands are facing eachother in front of chest), before swim, and did the leg lifts, toe extensions, dance after swim. Was still at work early.

Noted that I don't exactly like how when a younger woman comes, I distract myself to see who she might be, if I've seen her before, etc. [I am glad that she comes, I am not glad that I almost reflexively distract myself-perhaps with sara, and maybe eventually valerie, my interest in new acquaintance is dimming.]

I've been on a reduced calorie diet (i've been maintaining) perhaps since before the pizza with sara, but maybe even before then. No hint of over eating (well, almost, no). I seem to be trimming a bit. The newstart dictum about animal protein, eating animals contributing to degenerative disease, high protein leaching calcium (in the ITP book also, I believe), high protein shortening life, and "if you're getting enough calories, you're getting enough protein." Raise in my mind. I have been enjoying and valuing my sprouts (french lentils, mung beans, hard wheat)

I've still been eating eggs and now fish (some low fat (tuna), some higher (Jack Mackerel, sardine)) from cans. Not feeling overly tired, like long ago in monterey, but then, have not been doing insane amounts of exercise.

Did sleep from almost 1900 last night to 0450 this morning.

With sara's encouragement in my mind, did make a new sign, and posted them (they are not works of art, except as, perhaps, second in a series). Sara did say, why don't you post on the door of the subway station. I've seen one with tabs taken off.

On my morning runs, perhaps I shall run around posting signs each morning (maybe alternate mornings with swim?).

My best bet might be talking with people on the street/in the neighborhood, and people who work at the swimming pool. I am still a bit early for a July 1 move day.

It is somewhat fun to have a reason to ask people on the street (my neighbors) something. Tom, a hustler took me all over, including to the room of a black woman watching kids cartoons, probably not much older than me. He was taking me to the local squat when he found out I didn't need a place for a month, not right now. I am to some extent foolish to follow these guys, but they (and a guy I met last time I was looking for a place up here) know many more people than most people do. and many more people than any white person up here probably does.

I asked one white looking young woman (yeah, it seems I'm being ethno-preferist?) if she new of a place to live and how much she paid--she said she paid $325 (what I'm paying) and if she new of another place, she'd move.

I did stay with homeless guys for one night in hambourg right on the shore of the lake.

6 oz BB tuna = $0.66
15 oz iberia jack mackerel: $0.89
15 oz goya sardines: $99

still having problems finding reasonable source of good canned whole peeled tomatoes.

some people make lots of money focusing on other problems, so they don't have to focus on these.

But then, successfully developing a low-cost room finding practice is potentially a significantly worthwile investment of time.

I also spoke to two white kids I see around, and they pay $150 /week for nice rooms on this same street.

I don't really have to focus on these problems,

but when I find its $175 to rent a violin for 10 months, I like for that to be no problem for me to pay--though I can probably do better.

1852 perhaps finished eating. ate a bit much, probably not much too much.

The dollar is falling.

DavidBlaine of DavidBlaine.com is currently standing on top of a very high pillar in Bryant Park, right near where I work, which he will jump off of into a pile of cardboard boxes at 10pm tomorrow evening.

apparently last year he sealed himself inside of a room of ice for two days.

It is something to see him standing on top of his pillar in his thick suit. looking around a bit. Hal was remembering that living on top of pillars was once a fad among ascetics.

Spent a bit of time writing an email to the carfree-wg list about potentially using a wiki (http://zwiki.org), as well as mentioning dee hock's _birth of a chaordic age_, appreciative inquiry, and deBono's _six thinking hats_. Offered to set up a wiki on freezope.org.

Began the violin project by looking up violin rentals places near work & found out the cost of one.

Spoke to peter about women--he left a message for me last night saying he was sweating this chick, not sure about whether to ask her out again or not.
I told him a bit about my story, and also told him, if he didn't mind rejection, it wasn't any big deal.

Where does that leave me?

1905

I also bought some incredibly cheap fruit from a stand near 41st and Bwy. 6 oranges/$, 10 kiwi/$, and so on. The next stand over was the usual $0.75/orange. Did not buy nail clippers from duane reed because were not a price I had seen of $0.99. Working on acting _as if_. _As if_ I don't bite off my nails when they get too long. People associating with people I associate with use metal implements for nail shortening.

They also don't live in squats.

But then, I'm sure some women would find a love nest in a squat unique?

as important and interesting, and challenging to do well as it is, sex is not currently the ...

A violin could potentially be ...

Yes, a violin.

where does that leave me?

1912

it is good for relationships to have a quiet, private place you can hang out together.

In many cultures, there's few such places other than the forest.

NYC is one of those cultures (for much of the population).

cell phone is off, 1930 and the rest of the evening is mine.

If I'm going to get flexible/strong in the ways I wish, I'm going to have to do pertinent exercises twice a day.

annes alarm is going off, she's not home. She cleaned out the hallway and living room finally, because she had a friend over to chant this morning. All sorts of junk had been scattered over the floor.

--

The reading project:
finish ITP book
work on wilber books.

Web project:
plain enough. but generally after books.

Violin project:
Just rent a violin, get books/videos from library and spend at least an hour every day working on it?

Fortunately, the key to anne's room was hanging on the wall. There exist women... I wonder why she lives in such a mess?

Where should I practice the violin? At work in an empty room? Or at home some where? Outside somewhere?

That seems the beauty of the violin-smaller, lighter than almost any keyboard, and played standing up (in some cases)

Sara might (should) have some advice.

Can I make this a part of my life, like swimming, dance, programming, writing, meeting new people, car-freeness (which is not necessarily permanent, but the advantages of NYC life have been so huge change is seeming unlikely)?

Its easily worth $200 (which I have) to me to try.

And what of programming, programming classes?

If violin becomes like dance was, which would be wonderful, that is what I shall do.

I know this seems unlikely but given time, playing in the subway could be a way to make some dollars.

Rent for 3 months then progressively longer periods.?

Yes, like dance (once), doing more with music has often flitted in, but never manifested

Tomorrow, get books?

I did work on the banjo once. Maybe if it had been a violin instead... But now I have the opportunity to learn. Combined with murphy and leonards visions of the continuing possibility of transformation of the bodymind. (and leonard's example)

Though I wonder if I'd like hanging out in the subway long.

boy toy

and Tom (morgan banker)'s example (plays guitar and harmonica)

(1) visit some stores/ rental places and talk to people there.
(2) library books

(3) music is something I had more experience with as a youngster than dance.

How much will I love it?

should I buy condoms?

what of attempts to cultivate more income?

A main, or the primary purpose of one's present situation was to let one's self play like a child, believing what might result would be for the best (unschooling). That's not 100% possible. But if you wish to do nothing but play the violin... The sudbury schools have music rooms & rules for use of instruments. john purcell played in the jazz band. There was an orchestra. All that went by without me considering it.

It probably won't be as optimal as I might dream it to be, but I should try.

No, I did consider it. I remember considering something like piano/music class in high school.

But I was running.

Ok. I am tired, and close to bed time. With any luck sara will surface soon.But either way, I can visit music stores/instr rental places tomorrow. I could visit met pool as well. Then carmine pool another day.



2034
--wow! someone left a message for me from one of the few signs I put up in the subway (maybe just 1!) She sounds nice, and, I think lives with a guy. I know they take down the signs you put in the subway, but such huge volumes of people are likely to pass by before they do... you can potentially reach a huge number of people in your area... And she even lives on my street!

we'll see.

p75 from _The Life We Are Given_ by george leonard and michael murphy
[I wanted to get this intro to the kata]
Balance and Center--GRACE

The word GRACE serves here as an acronym, a sort of pilot's checklist for balancing and centering. Start in an upright stance, without shoes, feet shoulder-width apart, eyes open and soft. Spend a few seconds on each letter of the word:

G-Ground Imagine what it would be like if your feet and legs extended down through the surface beneath you and deep into the earth. Feel your weight shifting downward. Let your knees bend ever so slightly. Be aware of the loving embrace of gravity. Consider your profound connection with this planet and, through that, your connection with the entire universe.

R-Relax Breathe deeply. Exhale all the way. Let all your face muscles relax completely. Feel your shoulders melting downward. Release the tension in your chest, your abdomen, your back, your pelvic area, your legs. Feel a warming, melting sensation moving down your entire body, your hands becoming warm and heavy, the soles of your feet warming the surface beneath them and that surface warming the soles of your feet.

A-Aware Let yourself become keenly aware of your surroundings: the objects in the enclosed space you are inhabiting, the outdoor world you can see through the window--the condition of the sky, the wind moving the leaves, the infusion of light. Sense the aire that caresses every inch of your body. Let there be eyes all over you, in your back as well as front--the small ofyour back, the back of your neck, the back of your knees. Tune in to every sound and every smell and also every sensation that has no commonly accepted name. Let all that you can sense become a part of you. What would it be like if a stone owned some measure of consciousness? Affirm your kinship with the material world. Consider the possibility of other, coexistent worlds now invisible to your senses.

C-Center Touch your abdomen about an inch below your navel. Here, in the center of your belly, is the body's center of mass. By focusing your attention on this point, whether in stillness or in motion, you can achieve the calmness that empowers and the power that contributes to good in the world. Breathe deeply, letting your abdomen expand. Ask yourself this question: "Am I willing to get in touch with and use my own best and truest power?"

E-Energize Hold your arms open in front of you with your hands wide open. Imagine energy--high voltage electricity, for example--shooting from your outspread fingertips. With knees slightly bent, shift your body around, sensing this energy inhabiting every part of you. Check to see if this energy is equal and even--right and left, back and front, top and bottom. Move around the room in this energized, balanced, centered, relaxed state. Then return to your original position.

Thanks-- that's probably George Leonard.

p188
It's now clearly established that human posture, physique, motor habits, and body image, as well as emotions and thought patters, are culturally shaped. Think for a moment about the manner in which your body and mind have been influenced by others. Where did your habitual gestures come from? Whose laughter does yours resemble? Consider your food preferences, your style of dress, the kinds of exercise you like. Chances are that you can identify a particular person or group that led you to them.

[I'm wishing I had left my phone on so I wouldn't have to try to call Jessica back! I've tried twice.. three times, she has a dog.]

We emphasize this observation because the cultures we inhabit either help or hinder the development of particular attributes.
generally, human capacities develop most fully in cultures that prize them.

To foster the experiences they valued, the Buddha founded a sangha (fellowship), Plato the Academy, Aristotle the Lyceum, Saint Benedict his monastery.

Today we need to develop social structures to nurture integral practice. That is what we had in mind when we started our ITP classes.

p189
Think of your own attempts to cultivate new capacities. Have you been frustrated by lack of support? How many times have your programs for growth failed because you didn't have friends or mentors to help you?

For the kinds of growth described in this book, we need healthy group support.

A support group can consist of two people.

He or she can challenge you when inertia holds you back and provide encouragement when the going is tough. Sharing the ups and downs of long-term practice can produce a lasting solidarity. Lasting friendship is perhaps the greatest blessing that such discipline brings us.

Set regular meeting times to explorethe problems you're having. Schedule periods for meditation, physical exercise, affirmations, and physical inquiry. Check on each other's progress.

p190
that is the case because we are likely to feel invalidated if, upon revealing something that's troubling us, we get immediate reassurance or advice.

Many of the more extraordinary human capacities wither away simply through the self-censorship that springs from fear of ridicule--or worse.

Suddenly while washing dishes, she was struck by the powerful certainty that, in essence, we are all one.
Her husband insisted she see a psychiatrist.

p192
It took time to develop the trust that would allow material on the fringes of consciousness and beyond the bounds of cultural consensus to be given voice. And it took the presence of empathetic listeners:

    --listeners who are interested and who really care about others,
    --listerners who are willing to forego ego and the need to spout opinions,
    --listeners who seek neither to add to nor take away from what is being said,
    --listeners who are patient and willing to withold judgement for a while,
    --listeners who can say, "Yes, I really hear you"--and mean it.

    There is a transforming alchemy in such listening.

    As intimacy and mutual acceptance in your group increase, participants are more and more likely to enjoy the give and take of ideas as well as experiences. Intellectual embarassments will fade and curiosity will develop.
    Encourage inquiry. Encourage debate. Listen! Excitement about the vision of integral transformation will grow and can be fed by readings such as those proposed in Appendix C.

p 192 The Dangers of Charisma

Exalted rhetoric, charisma, even spiritual gifts by themselves do not gurantee a leader's goodness.

In our ITP classes, the four leaders gave one another helpful criticism.

p193
To deal with the complexities of integral practice, we need multiple mentors. No one today, we believe, can guide someone in all dimensions of human growth.

even leaderless communities can hinder their member's development. Contemplative retreats, for example, sometimes attract people who don't relate happily to others and reinforce members' isolation by divorcing them from creative hu

[well, the room is vast, almost as large a small dance studio, but it is $450. They all have huge rooms--three others- jessica- columbia 2000 grad, meghan, school of the arts philadelphia grad, and hip hop dancer with ????, and Derek, education master's student at city college. Jessica has a dog that almost took out my jugular, but then calmed down. $450 + 15 utils. Cool kids, the place is a bit of a mess (kitchen/bathroom). Huge bed as well, with desk and chair... Cool kids. Amazing to see how much older I feel than a 2000 grad, when I graduated in 1999? But then I thought carmen was a kid. The room is empty now. I still have a month and a week. I should visit matt as well.

seeing as how I can save over $125 simply by staying put for another month. Oh well. and I should learn some spanish.

They're on the same block. Isn't that cool!]

jessica: "I have to ask, are you stoned right now?" (I was mentioning that a majority of DC residents had voted to legalize marijuana (medical?), but that the senators and congresspeople wouldn't go for it) "I can't believe anyone would be so laid back normally." I wonder why she thought that, when they all seemed quite laid back (except for the dog). Derek said, when she asked if he agreed, "That's you're opinion.." Yeah, it was something with her--
And I caught myself giving the usual presidential smiles and whatnot. not what I consider laidback.

my god, yet another french (white) speaker is at the door!

William thought me cold at first.
Joanna though hal and I tense when running the experiment.

ok!

p193
by divorcing them from creative human contact. Therapeutically oriented groups sometimes rationalize self-indulgence as psychic liberation or promote excessive confrontation among its participants in the name of openness and honesty. Practice groups of many persuasions stifle intellectual growth by punishing divergent thought.

When communities celebrate some virtues at the expense of others, or when they support narrow beliefs, they limit possibilities for growth. And when they are strengthened in such activities by genuine advances they facilitate among their members, they can become powerful obstacles to integral transformation. While producing a few good outcomes, some practice groups stand in the way of their members' well-rounded development.

The final authority in any transformative practice is the individual practitioner.

[a good friend who's attracted to you and whom you're attracted to]

p193
The transformative power of love.
Early in the 20th century, Sigmund Freud conceived his principle of Eros, a tendency of all things animal and vegetable to join in larger entities, so that life might be prolonged and brought into higher development.

The Universe also involves destructive[ion?] and dissolution--what Freud called Thanatos--and repulsion as well as attraction.

Love something and watch it blossom. m.m.

In the face of its long history of meandering, of ... the stuff of the universe reveals its desire to join, to make more complex, highly ordered entities.  a community is nothing if it doesn't foster love, an unconditional love that accepts us for what we are while moving us toward the higher good. Pronouncements, books, and statistics pale beside its transformative power.

p194
Changing the world by changing your own heart

We have suggested that cosmic evolution as we know it, ... is finally an expression of Eros, of love. If this is so, how then can we doubt that love stands as the highest

[I didn't say to jessica I was an experienceartist because I did not wish to explain.?]

human impulse?

To serve others accrues to benign self-interest. It exalts us in the world's eyes [Leonard and Murphy are gods!] [staying up too late, eating all my rice and mackerel, but wish to finish this tonight] It produces positive publicity for our commercial enterprises [commercial enterprise needed here]. It makes us feel good. Those who serve others in love and kindness enjoy better health and live longer.

If I love the world as it is, --petru dumitriu-- I am already changing it: a first fragment of the world has been changed, and that is my own heart.

p195
The ultimate adventure

the unexpected fall of the berlin wall had been building

today, a grassroots understanding that spirit and body are joined, that mind can somehow influence matter, that lives can radically change, that further evolution of humankind is possible.

p196
Unfathomed possibilities exist in consciousness and the flesh.

The nonauthoritarian program we have championed in these pages, along with objective reality checks wherever possible, can help us safely past this pitfall.

If... we could see something new on this planet

p197  a summary of cautions
To repeat: there can be difficulty in virtually any aspect of transformative discipline.

some find immediate pleasure in physical training, some do not. some easily adopt a healthful diet.. the joys of meditation come naturally to some...

Pitfalls and promises.
Sometimes, simply by relaxing their shoulders during the balancing and centering exercise described in ch 6, ...
even something as gentle and benign as this can cause temporary dizziness or trembling.
And powerful experiences of union with the divine or of the oneness of existence can prove much more troubling...
people who are not firmly grounded in their bodies or of people with a history of mental illness.

p198 But there is an opposite danger. Transformative practice can reinforce limiting traits and thus hinder integral development.

The world today is filled with fit, well-toned people who have constricted emotional, intellectual, and spiritual lives.
Psychological work...
when it fosters one trait(such as honest self-expression) at the expense of others (such as empathy and kindness).

Countless people have tightened their lives around a limited set of ideas or a dogmatic teacher.

Our practice can be deep while pursuing intellectual discovery.

in our view, integral practice requires a recognition that all virtues, like all aspects of practice and human growth, are largely interdependent.

It's difficult if not impossible, p199 to cultivate deep feeling for others without both sensitivity and the courage to face pain, without both strength and tenderness.

It's hard to meditate for long without both tenacity and yielding, one-pointedness and the capacity for surrender. For integral practice, many virtues are needed.

p199
some people have been led by a powerful mystical experience to perceive ordinary life as ugly, meaningless, or empty, and have thus been stimulated to believe that the world is incapable of significant transformation.

we can even imaging the idea of the integral, of fully balanced practice, becoming rigid and dogmatic. [beautiful!]

And there are obviously times in the lives of all of us when we have stressed one part of our development at the expense of others for a good cause with good results.

It's even more important to allow for benign human eccentricity and to avoid dogma, whatever form it takes.

every sacred tradition warns against grandiosity following illumination.

tradgedies of contemporary religious communities such as Rajneeshpuram, led by Rajneesh.

the celebration of humour in transformative practice
the cultivation of self-understanding
reminders of dangers drawn from religion and modern psych.

p200 carl jung
human "shadow" refers to the the unexamined darkness of human nature. [rape]The shadow harbors great energies and impulses that can express themselves in negative ways but also, if acknowledged and integrated, can serve as rich sources of creative power. [sara has read the web site (parts of it)]

there are dark places, but they might contain priceless treasures..

stay on the path. [after all that, what is the path?] [constant change/learning?]

p201
the very reliability and regularity--the discipline--can lend stability, purposefulness, and a deep inner satisfaction to your life.

[so what do you do when you're not swimming? (in mind to valerie)] [would you like to _____ sometime?]

[phillip- the epitomy of quaker values and young manhood, (oh, he's not mormon), does he have a woman friend? what is she like? or is he gay?]

p201
Adventures in evolution continued (now we've told you how hard it is, but here's what's good)
As your senses become keener, your thoughts clearer, you may realize that your evolutionary journey has already begun. Your daily practice, your meditation and imagin, your readings, and your interactions with fellow practitioners have made the world a more fascinating place. You find that sometimes you can apprehend the subtle energy that streams from tree to tree in a forest or from person to person in a crowded room.

There is a singing in the swaying of boughs on a breezy day, and all the world begins to glow with new and vivid colors.
your empathy for others has increased.
As never before, you share thoughts and feelings with friends and lovers--an artful intimacy. more and more, you percieve all of existence as closely joined.

We can invent things never before seen, ask questions never before asked, and seek answers from out beyond the stars.

unlike computers, we can fall in love. G.L.

at times, you are amazed at your vitality.

For the most part, you need less sleep than before and work more easily and efficiently, flowing from one task to another with little effort. [inconcievable!]

In sports and martial arts, you often find you can anticipate the moves of a competitor, as if you are dancing, moving together.

Even someting as simple as walking--the turning of your joints, the soft rush of air on your face and hands--brings unanticipated pleasure. You experiment with certain anterations of muscle, bone, and blood and discover your body to not be as obdurate as you might have imagined.

you are amazed at your healing powers (though you still occasionally get sick).


You may find it significant that the adventures you are engaged in, unlike many other adventures (those, for example, that involve long-distance, high-speed travel and the intrusion into remote locales and cultures), don't poison the biosphere, damage the environment, or exploit other people.

And there is no forseeable end to these explorations.

p202
A renewyed seynse of alyvenyess,
a lyve thyt aysks nyothyng iyn returyn

and have experienced ourselves as part of all that we behold or ever could behold.

to awaken can be painful, for it opens us to awareness of the waste of life around us and in us. But the eventual rewards are great. We no longer need horrors to jolt us awake.
To see a sunrise is enough.

To look into a friend's or lover's eyes, to truly see another human being, is enough.
to hear a distant strain of music, or a child's laughter, is enough.

With this awakening, this renewed aliveness, there generally comes a love for others, a love that asks nothing in return.

But the ego-transcending love remains, and it spreads in concentric circles like ripples on a pond, kindling similar feelings in more of those it touches than we might imagine. [kyle]

cynicism, greed, ethnic hatred, heedless ambition, armies, and huge, impersonal organizations.

are we willing to consider the possibility of a society in which love prevails?

p203
the realization of every citizen's postive potential.
the potential inherent in every aspect of our lives, from the most commonplace to the most extraordinary

during which much of what has been metanormal would become normal.

p205
further resources for practice:
_The tao of practice_ videotape GL offers detailed instruction.

leads full Kata!

an itp center. www.itp-life.org

p215
selected readings:
sri aurobindo _the life divine_ 1981
the involution-evolution perspective is presented with great richness and scope.

frederick copleston _a history of philosphy_ 1985 3 volumes. widely acclaimed ref work on western philosophy from the pre-socratics to sartre.

_the encyclopedia of philosophy_ 4vols 1972 essays

satprem. Sri aurobindo, or the adventure of consciousness 1964

ken wilber_ SES 1995



huston smith _the world's religions_ 1991

philip novak _the world's wisdom_

william james _essays in psychical research_ 1986

w james _the varieties of religious experience_
exemplifies the open-minded but discriminating attitude we need in order to understand the complexities of integral transformation.

maslow: toward a psych of being, the farther reaches of human nature.

Frederic Meyers _human personality and its survival of bodily death_ 1903
the inventor of the word telepathy
_phantasms of the living_ edmund gurney

herbert thurston, sj The physica phenomena of mysticism 1952

paul davies _the mind of god_

michio kaku _hyperspace_

peter farb _humankind_

jurmain, nelson, turnbaugh,
_understanding physical anthropology and archaeology_

benthall, polhemus _the body as a medium of expression_ 1975
polhemus _the body reader: social aspects ofthe human body_ 1978

Bourdieu: _distinction: a social critique of the judgement of taste_ 1984
studies of cultural influences (primarily french) on fasion, lifestyle, class tastes, body image, status, sense of entitlement, permitted pleasures, and other aspects of human life.

douglas, mary _purity and danger: an analysis of concepts of pollution and taboo_ 1970 soc's influence on our concepts of cleanliness, dirtiness, and acceptable physical activity.

Katz _Mysticism and philosophical analysis_ 1978. _mysticism and religious traditions_ 1983 mystical experience, like all other human experience, is molded by our socially acquired beliefs.

evans, rosenberg _biomarkers_ 1991.

ornish

thank god, I'm done!

0041


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