Wed 22 May 2002 14:51
I am tired.

!!!!

I can play intermediate level songs on the piano with practice.

today:
sprouts (some mold), tuna 6 oz
orange
sprouts, quinoa, amaranth, parsely, crushed tomatoes, sardines

ad in loot today. $50 more than I would wish.

scott nearing no water with meals

good, except too many of the lentils have been hurt, did not sprout, and are still hard(?) crunch crunch

loud noise from # 56 police and super called. They did finally shut it off.

met oscar, from paris, who lives with medicare felon.

I don't want my own bathroom!

manic at work- sara called and will probably show up sometime this afternoon.

sitting there trying to document code... argh.

violin

perhaps swim, because it requires little thought, and when tired, that works.

violint

Should make an apt at the staten island place. Sara reccommends them. They are cheaper than the lincoln ctr place. $70/3months.
it's now weds, so tomorrow could make an appt for friday.
have enough options and enough time for rooms, that I don't feel a rush--rather want a break. Will work on books.

wish I could turn cell phone off.

noisers in 56 were noising, but after me pounding (no effect), calling pol non e, & super, some time later noise of that variety free.

dream and notes from this morning.. some beauty, but later.

2002-05-22-1548
sounds like the super did talk with them
randall had a violin
music stand
music
instruction books.
what can I get from the library?
tomorrow, all out violin? o.k., sounds good.

Now?
let's read.
future? haven't a clue?
commercial enterprises? I'm a kid, man, I don't worry about that sort of thing

I'd like to see you. I'm also glad to have the time.

notes from the day:
no vitamins
chaorganization.
soft eyes.
"I really enjoyed reading parts of it"
violin
tennis racquet
too intense--
    too much thinking required---

like run dance mornings
 vs. swimming

 sedge wee kay

sara's papers.

Do you really want to hear this?
It tells me more about who you are.

I don't feel addicted to phys interaction w/ you--

Katherine gershwin lyrics--

work?

I've felt that way too (addicted)

What did---??? write (montreal)

do damn excited, and one more hour!
    oh!

dee hock's phrase
    --regarding meeting important people (

looking like KW w/ book --

oh - to be playing a violin right now --

how are you?
 mildly manic, how bout you?


--
to sit in this chair doc code while-

Hi Colin Leath
~master of my universe~

do you think you'll ever
--> joyce vedral

prefer variety & love falling in love
so--

put delay on pages.

---

we'll start with the essays I noted from the essential ken wilber.
so I will study and try these things while... yes. yes.

am I going to type in this whole book? Is that how you wish to read it?

_The essential Ken Wilber_ shambhala 1998

2002-05-22-1753
I don't know.

Life is a mystery (madonna).

I hope my taste was o.k.-- yours was nice. this tender, and what?

In two days, I will have a violin to play at this time, at times like-

_The essential Ken Wilber_ shambhala 1998

no the musician's life is not all fun and games.

she is real to me now.

1916
after a reread of past entries.
focused on what I'd written re sara. I don't need to write any more. wonderful. so glad to stop. afraid to turn on cell phone for fear someone will have called. no one did.

_The essential Ken Wilber_ shambhala 1998
p1 the divine play
As plotinus knew: Let the world be quiet. Let the heavens and the earth and the seas be still. Let the world be waiting. Let the self-contraction relax into the empty ground of its own awareness, and let it there quietly die. See how Spirit pours through each and every opening in the turmoil.

to morrow is violin day.
 I don't need to do this any more.

 2217
 and bestows new splendour on the setting Sun and its glorious Earth and all its radiant inhabitants. See the Kosmos dance in Emptiness; see the play of light in all creatures great and small; see finite worlds sing and rejoice in the play of the very Divine, floatin on a Glory that renders each transparent, flooded by a joy that refuses time or terror, that undoes the madness of the loveless self and buries it in splendour.

 Indeed, indeed: let the self-contraction relax into the empty ground of its own awareness, and let it there quietly die. See the Kosmos arise in its place, dancing madly and divine, self-luminous and self-liberating, intoxicated by a Light that never dawns nor ceases. Se the worlds arise and fall, never caught in time or turmoil, transparent images shimmering int he radiant Abyss. Watch the mountain walk on water, drink the Pacific in a single gulp, blink and a billion universes rise and fall, breathe out and create a Kosmos, breathe in and watch it dissolve.

 first do no harm.

 Let the ecstasy overflow and outshine the loveless self, driven mad with the torments of its self-embracing ways, huggin mightily samsara's spokes of endless agony, and sing instead triumphantly with Saint Catherine, "My being is God, not by simple participation, but by a true transformation of my Being, My me is God!" And [did I tell you I have a 63 year old student] let the joy sing with Dame Julian, "See! I am God! See! I am in all things! See! I do all things!" And let the joy shout with Hakuin, "This very body is the Body of Buddha! and this very land the Pure Land!"

 And this Earth becomes a blessed being, and every I becomes a God, and every We becomes God's sincerest worship, and every It becomes God's most gracious temple.

And comes to rest that Godless search, tormented and tormenting. The knot in the Heart of the Kosmos relaxes to allow its only God, and overflows the Spirit ravished and enraptured by the lost and found Beloved. And gone the godles destiny of death and desperation, and gone the madness of a life committed to uncare, and gone the tears and terror of the brutal days and endless nights where time alone would rule.

And I-I rise to taste the dawn, and find that love alone will shine today. And the Shining says: to love it all, and love it madly, and always endlessly, and ever fiercely, to love without choice and thus enter the All, to love it mindlessly and thus be the All, embracing the only and radiant Divine: now as Emptiness, now as Form, together and forever, the Godless search undone, and love alone will shine today.

[Sex, Ecology, Spirituality: 522-23]

getting comfortable that her staying with me is not whimsy

she feels frail, fear for physical being

I want to care for her.

p14 William Blake said that "a fool who persists in his folly will become wise."

p34
the sage who engages life with gusto, lives it to the hilt, grabs each wave of life and surfs it to the end--this deeply, profoundly disturbs us, frightens us, because it means that we, too, might have to engage life, with gusto, on all levels, and not merely escape it in a cloud of luminous ether. We do not want our sages to have bodies, egos, drives, vitality, sex, money, relationships, or life, because those are what habitually torture us, and we want out.

The integral sage, the nondual sage, is here to show us otherwise. Known generally as "Tantric," these sages insist on transcending life by living it. They insist on finding release by engagement, finding nirvana in the midst of samsara, finding total liberation by complete immersion. They enter with awareness the nine rings of hell, for nowhere else are the nine heavens found. Nothing is alien to them, for there is nothing that is not One Taste.

Indeed, the whole point is to be fully at home in the body and its desires, the mind and its ideas, the spirit and its light. To embrace them fully, evenly, simultaneously, since all are equallyy gestures of the One and Only Taste. To inhabit lust and watch it play; to enter ideas and follow their brilliance; to be swallowed by Spirit and awaken to a glory that time forgot to name. Body and mind and spirit, all contained, equally contained, in the ever-present awareness that grounds the entire display.

In the stillness of the night, the Goddess whispers. In the brightnes of the day, dear God roars. Life pulses, mind imagines, emotions wave, thoughts wander. What are all these but the endless movements of One Taste, foreverat play with its own gestures, whispering quietly to all who would listen: is this not you yourself? When the thunder roars, do you not hear your Self? When the lightning cracks, do you not see your self? When clouds float quietly across the sky, is this not your very own limitless Being, waving back at you?
[One Taste: November 17]

she: I'm just babbling.
beautiful.

p40 "I have a mind and body and emotions, but I am not a mind and body and emotions." [no boundary: 132]

p75 Healing the bodymind split.

Sara, you don't have to go to Florida.

o you don't have to go to florida. Life is short. I don't recommend my way of life to everyone, but I stopped doing things I do not want to do a while ago, because I know I'm dying


it's hard for me when people tell me they don't want to do something--carmen, sara, who else. the answer, I need to remember is, you don't have to.

[how I found freedom in an unfree world]

I said instead, "you'll be back soon."

p75 Healing the bodymind split.
There are ways to dissolve the boundary between the mind and body so as to discover again this unity of opposites lying asleep in the depths of our being.

One has to feel the flow and sense the course of the excitation in the body. To do this, however, one must give up the rigidity of one's ego control so that the deep body sensations can reach the surface." Alexander Lowen

One way to begin connecting with the body is by lying down on your back, outstretched, on a rug or mat. Simply close your eyes, breathe deeply but easily, and begin to explore your bodily feelings. Don't try to feel anything, don't force feelings, just let your attention flow through your body and note if any feeling, positive or negative, is present in the various parts of the body. Can you, for example, feel your legs? your stomach? your heart? eyes? genitals, buttocks, scalp, diaphragm, feet? Notice which parts of the body seem alive with feeling, full and strong and vital, and which parts seem

good night.
love,
2339
I don't know what your parents will think, but you don't have to go.
There is a cost for your freedom. Will you pay it?

.