Fri 21 Jun 1996 14:27
the ecstacy of just being with you, whatever that means
Fri Jun 21 12:44:24 PDT 1996
poorly writing letter to brett
mad business woman at next terminal, pounding away with the goal of cts,
for sure
I call her mindless, just for fun, so she is.
but really I am, unable to think of anything but she and the noise she
makes with her body.
she pauses to shake her hands over the keyboard, for inspiration
she has a fucking buldozer presence, moving me, next to her, out of the
way
yeah, I could have asked her to stop- (I did ask a guy to stop typing so
noisily once, He was angry and incredulous for a while, but then quieted
down) but I'd rather be annoyed, or fill my mind with the sound of her
finger tips on the keyboard, her mumblings to herself (and me).
.
Sun 16 Jun 1996 19:17
its been
I've got spanish, a speech class, and a cmu class this quarter
what do I want to be
what i am
it is not so complicated
it sucks to be alone
Hell, just to be with people, is all
no, I want to meet a woman who I can love, and who will love
there are so many Ideas, just let me talk to you and what do you think
I have so much I could just go on and on if I want to, where
let's talk about wanting a woman,
let's talk about being alone
I am alone being alone- the other people who are alone are also alone, but
the people who have friends- the people who have people they can call on
the phone and talk to, and meet with and do things with, and want to do
things with, they are together.
I, want a friend, and I think only of a woman, because it is my nature, I
want them, she is the future.
I know a guys, I can call them, be with
I am afraid of loving too much, unconciously-
hell, just give me someone to love who can take it and there.
Why could they not take it, to love I have to feel I can give something, I
can love, but must have response- immediate is best,
I do journ to be with the people who also do journ.
I could do sp cmu, I am talking to them I see you now, I am with you now
that is all I need forever.
what is all
So I would be happy if I had a woman to love- and loving means I can do
things for her, and she likes it- if that is how she is, she is loving me,
because that is what I want- if she can do things for me that I like, that
would be even better?
She can tell me about herself, I can ask any question, and she can answer,
someways, maybe, she asks about myself, and then
we can go on forever,
talking together,
and what of
being together, you see, just sitting there, laying there on the grass,
where do we go what do we do,
so we have eachother and we love, what more is there, why go on
when you are perfectly happy what do you do more- time goes on and change
occurs,
so I know what I want, a woman, right? mm- will my condition really be
any different then, having someone to love like that????? Well, you
see, and if she loves also- there you are, until some terrible disaster,
we have eachother. Allus.
Sure, I love everyone, like the book says, sure, I love them all-
unfortunately I am too distant from that girl on the street to love her as
much as I could. In fact, I am close to no woman, whom I could love with
my whole life, whole being, whole etc. Now, they say, you should be just
as happy alone- well, I am not, what strange event in my past has caused
this strange obsession with finding a woman, and if you're so obsessed why
aren't you out there finding???????
uh, finding? finding, finding, where? where can I find a person who
wants to love most of all and not mess with distractions, or am I a little
confused? Hm, yes, I see how movie watching car driving, music listening,
gossiping, are all a part of participating in the modern human experience,
and so a participation, and perhaps even a love of many many people , or
just the Basic human Idea, you know, love of human, love of god(symbolic).
Maybe, I am a little confused,
Why do I like this so much and think of it when I am not doing it- it is
like having a conversation, with an imaginary reader years later, whoever
you are, and you are listening to me- so would it not be better to talk to
a real person, here is the Hypocrisy- I would have to listen to you if you
were here, I would have to listen to you, feel you even if you said
nothing. In fact if you were here, I would just be happy that you were
perhaps and say nothing,
If I were not doing this I would be thinking about being alone, always,
heck I am now, its there in the back of my head- see, but what else would
I do- whack the grass in the back lawn? Read another beautiful book, I
could even paint- but this for some reason is most filling less
questioning, perhaps a mindless entertainment I have found for myself- It
does not have the surface mindless ness of a video game, but the subtle
mindlessness of rampant thought and action perhaps, the action of the
fingers, the movement of the cursor, the sound of the keys, addicting, I
do not believe it,faster, and slower, sometimes I go very slow, but that
is when I think of the past.
Banking on myself, banking on my future self, you are the only person I am
guranteed to be writing to, the only self who is most likely to look at
this,
there are others, a mom, maybe, an aunt, I don't think, I just fill it in
because it screens the love stuff.
I write stuff down, and then I never look at it again, except now
a piece of paper in my pocket, setting , the sun was, was hungry, Brett
there in front of the setting, sun, I love her always, and talking to
mike, and I was out, what were they saying, why do I have nothing to say,
why am I not with them, maybe only because I am hungry, how weak.
I take out a paper an write:
you might
only
grow
a tree
on the river
but people
will love on
the Imogen Pie
we who are feeling
are flowing forever
feeling forever we're
going to die
I have been feeling
and flying a radiol
feeling and flying around
you are the one I will always call to you
are the one I'm going
to love fly me away
like a horse like
a luster fly me
away to an olivine lie you
knew I wanted
to be a bram
holly you
knew I wanted
to hold me and
cry
cry cry away
falling down
go around
feeling down
going clear
carlson fire
feel the dreaming
the scarlet
the screaming
know you're alone
and kill yourself
now
follow the
strangers to the
rasputin go to
the sky and drag
the blue down
all that is
left in the Picture
is blackness all
that is left
of the mind
has passed by
grow the friend
flowers of holly
and heart worn
green the old
hedges of rose
and sage
I am still
--
I was thinking of a Beatles song, its rhythm was in my head, marmelade sky
and I said something to her then, and she laughed, and she left,
no she said, oh I'm fine, she's who is she what is she now.
Hi
Colin
Leath - master
of my universe
~
Deodor Cedar
edgefield
hers
what
is
your
name
sitting -
there dying
Chicago manual of Style
I don't want to be first (prior)
Jeff
Lauren
---
I could go back, to those times were they good enough?
I could go back, but I don't want to enough, I don't want to go back any
more.
Hey Brett, what're you doing, how are you, can I may I talk to you, do you
feel like talking to me, I guess she does not, or she would have called,
so.
And who else no one else, what have I been doing all this time
So I call the ubrc people, they're all women, it seems, wonder if they're
good
so that's all, I go on without thinking, without loving, really, I should
go home.
I wanted to ask what kind of woman in the soc would stay with me, and what
kind of woman would I stay with, and what would we do if there is nothing
fulfulling to do in this soc, not much anyways.
read fromm's to have or to be, maybe it's in there.
or we can think, I have a woman she has me, we're together.
we go off, after making some money, I guess, and live in a quiet place in
the country near the ocean, and work together, growing our own, growing
our own, and all the people I've ever seen I invite to visit and I love
them there free from the soc that made them, and maybe a few will like it.
So that is my dream to be free of pavement and cars and tvs but not to be
free of people. not alone, not a hermit, with a woman, who loves.
It is not only the kids who need help, but those of us who have been here
as humans this life, more years also. And those are who I go for. Kids
can't wait, parents were kids are kids, were. We need loving people show
me a loving person, and change my life, that is
what am I to those other people, brett, imogen, sharon, rachel, just
wierd, or maybe loving, not loving because I am afraid of loving too much,
unconciously.
from Art of Loving:
Love is possible
..
nev,
what comes from meno emotion, no thought, no question, I just want a
woman, and why, dreams are so often false and hopless it is not a dream
if she wants as much as I it goes on like a r
that's it thats my state now, and what do I do, do I call christy now, no I
am afraid of loving too much (unconciously) but conciously I am afraid of
not being loved.
so
afraid of loving too much? what is the cure? love everything you crazy-
sorry, not working.
hug every fucking person you meet and love them.
I am afraid they are afraid of that.
ha you are afraid.
hug every person you meet, every person you see, that is the only way all
the same, how long can I do that.
I am afraid.
I am afraid. Soc conditiond fear
Sorry folks, I am at a bit of an impasse here. Alone as hell, I don't
think I am afraid of loving to much, I think other people are afraid of me
loving too much. Damn them all!
Hmm, well, if you want to work with me on this, I bet I can cure you of
your fear of being loved too much, by me, actually, that depends entirely
on you, so
just please tell me when I see you so I can come over and say hello (I
love you)
life sucks when I'm alone as this and this present is the only eternity I
see. i don't know It will change, I hope it does, but this is now this is
forever, there is little point in this now you see, and am I doing all I
could, there is little I think
now imagine the opposite
I am happy this is not eternity I fear it will change and maybe it does,
going no where and going all places are one and the same,
going no where.
good night 8.47pm I love you brett, chris, rachel, amanda, jossylen, imogen,
karen, becky, anne, that girl with dark hair whose name I don'tknow yet,
adar, lea, adar, lea, and you R dan, and even charles david, and zack, and
that Jew matt and heshem, my sisters dana, cara, the other cara, and
Krista, bretth is sad to me, Pat
, John, Mike, and Becky, and Christy,
and Denise even, My landlady, elizabeth, Elizabeth, Pilar, Norm, Nadia,
Leidig, Pasha, Baisia, Butter, paul, Mike, Karl, that wierdo erich fromm,
wyeth, nearings, Mom, Dad, Granparents Carolynn, David, grammie, grandad,
grandma ann, taylor, laura, Pancho, Marilynn, Cameron, Duke, Waldbilligs
Shannon, Melissa,
complete concentration and you are never tired?
lets go on forever with this list- I don't want to forget a person. I
never will I never can.
Love colin
.