Sat 29 Jun 1996 20:21
So I can be this immature forever.
.
Its the end of the world and you know it.
God this sucks.
I wanted some help with you but you were gone
I wanted to dance with you, but you had already died.
All I do now is cry.
Heliotrope and Brett.
Karen, Mary and Flowery. A few blackberry bushes and a dead end.
How many crazy
I was walking back and I saw lovers in the grass, and I have been one once, but
this is not even
you know how nice it is to love
you know how nice it is to hug someone, and have someone to lay in the grass
with, it is so fun, so much we are alike.
here I am, cut off from the rest of you but likely this will get out.
for now though, it is just my self.
All I want is a woman and a lover, all I want is to express this ache, and
have you love it.
I wish you could tell me, for always I do nothing.
I see them all and want, but know we will not go on.
I tell the world, and someone feels the
and that is all
do you know how amazing this is,
e vita?
I am afraid to stop, no one will ever know, no one will ever love, anymore,
e vita.
I can just sing these songs, I can just go on.
You are all the people of the world.
You are all the ones who
will be the
You are flying slowly
we are seeing what we want to see.
It is incredible to look up from this screen, and see green. Green trees,
grass, and some sky.
My eyes are fine.
You are all the people of the world.
And what do I do?
nothing.
And what do you do?
I call it nothing,
and you feel it not so.
You feel it too.
Why do we waste our time like this, what have I done to have you ig nore.
Well in time I'll get it by, I hate to wait. Though.
There is nothing I can do to help myself now, but wait.
There is nothing else I can do to help myself, this is the end.
A week and a half.
A week and a half.
What did I write? Are the books gone.
I distributed my being letter to two of my classes last wednesday. The text
version may be available soon. Damn I'm getting carpal tunnel, right hand, from
this lovey machine.
Lift my wrist.
One guy, Kevin, has mentioned it. Others have read it.
It's pretty bad- so.
I am inviceable to evangelists, so far. They scare of me, I am the devil,
or I make them see my love and how theirs is gone. They cry and repent and
maybe someday will really love.
And me do I love, yeah, but no one else does. Mary does, Karen does, but how
much. mary does, and so- and so, I love her.
Arachne is a spidery woman, thin with black hair, and she is beautiful, She
likes to talk, and I will listen, it is of the garden though and not
herself, lover.
She is a good person, what can I do about it.
Kelle is the last one to get the letter.
I felt poor the day after, and excited before.
The woman with the eyes, myself made me feel unhappy.
I will miss diana, she is gone to be married, she is still here and I do
not know her. Sappho is still here and I do not know her.
That I type just to type should be clear, so go back to real life to whatever
interests you.
I could write about what has happend these first two weeks.
I do not remember though.
This weekend, we worked in the garden. I was very tired and slept a long time
last night. I was half an hour late. To the 10 o'clock time.
Mary was there and muddy Flower.
I miss the girls walking by, as they are gone.
I did not know the name of the yellow flowering herb.
Karen helped me with her saw, lovey.
On the use of fuck in these writings.
It distracts me. All I think of is those two instances- fuck a dog and fucking
presence.
I think also of Grandma ann and the hunchback man.
I wonder where they go. I am afraid that is what I will remember of this
but oh well, that is what I said, in my head.
Karen helped me with her saw.
Friday I got this machine, and figured out how to use it. It is cool so
far. And I think I'll order a modem soon. That means Netscape and telnet
and Ftp and we'll see how much time.
Just fine.
It was nice to go downtown.
There was a girl on the bus. Looking down.
We stared on and while she asked about the weather.
And I said, This is the sound of Darkness
Calling.
And she said- I did something good to-day.
I did not ask, and I'm not sure if she wanted me to, and that was all.
I looked (loving) and she sipped a bottle of Robitussin. And I said, "Oh,
lord"
while, "it helps me breathe"
So she went on looking dead.
And as I left I said, "See you later,
I want to see you later, but I never will.
Oh for sure, I will, I see you now. You are sitting on that bus, asking
about the weather and looking sad, quiet, but more noisy than the others
and you show the crazyness of your desperation. It is mine.
I met tracy at the fed-ex place. So many nice people there.
And what I do the day, be fore.
This friday it was grey.
This thursday there was sun. We had class outside- this thursday it was
grey, this wedsday there was sun, then we had class outside.
Thursday non-event, dead day.
Wednesday, I handed out the 'Being'
Becky- so I miss you.
Wedsday afternoon, I got the cash- it was nice to go downtown.
Dad sent me some of my old letters, and some of his dad's poems.
Tuesday I worked on 'Being' Monday I was a copyedit.
Sunday, I wrote being? Saturday, Again I was dead tired- that day, I wrote
being, and hVe no clue what happend to sunday. That friday I have no Idea,
some day that last week I met with Charles.
That's it.
------
Letter to Brett from 6/12/96 hand written:
yeah, this is a hokey
hokey letter; beautiful too.
one I wouldn't normally send,
but I want to send you something
Hey Brett, 6/12/96
4:47 was right, 4:55 is closer to when we left
Just passed a log in the river and I could see the
water rippling around it - piling up on one side,
rushing down to the other. hey,
It was a good visit and is a nice train ride. you
If we hadn't spoken I would have sat here asked
feeling, unable to write. I still feel a little. once
I feel like a weight on my chest something ok?
I feel every time I breathe - like I could just
start to cry if I thought about it.
Sorry - I don't think this is sad - I don't
think it is sad that I am feeling. The feeling
is sad and wondering though
and I know I have to gon on to the next person
though and always hope for lasting, though never sure.
This feeling has always been there with things I doubt
will last - like the friend 'Charles' I felt it with
him too, but not so much when I'm with him.
I feel it with everybody.
What is worst of all was like that night
after moving with David + you
Feeling it is over and thinking there is something
that can be sone - that I have not done
That was hell and this is a little hell
I understand how this feeling
and thinking is too intense too abnormal, or whatever.
I have some Idea of what you like and want
some of our wants are the same, maybe
This is hell in a way because I don't know that my
feelings and thoughts (ways of) will fit with anyone
neither does anyone - and most likely, I think, no one
ever fits perfectly with anyone else
we just have a little too far to go.
(lot) {bs -ed}
I don't know how you feel about writing me
but I am interested in what happens with you in finding
someone like that.
I guess that is a little less interesting to you because
you already have many, or a good number of good friends
and because you might not feel like analyzing or ... etc.
(don't)
I don't know what you like to write about
small chance maybe that we'll like eachother's
letters.
I "Learn polish, I will I will, I will and she runs off with red hair-
the polish woman with a short beige light pink skirt smiles and walks off,
she likes me looking- at least doesn't mind- "I like him as a person, but
not you know.. Her accent
I could never write while this whole thing
was going on - all I could write was
inventories of things or past feelings.
I guess cause things were still
happening; now they're not so much anymore.
2
Now I've just been thinking for a while
which is sort of useless
yes it could work but unlikely
why don't I commit all the way
because we're close, but not enough
why can't we be friends?
we can
but will always want more
I don't want all of you, I guess
feeling I should read the 'loving' book some more.
did I love you because I need you
or do I need you because I love you.
I do love you and miss you forever
and so we don't forget: I love you but
I feel there is nothing I can do about it.
I miss you and I always want to miss
you or be with you, but that is so strange
because what would I do if I were with you?
Just to be with you - to sit some place - lay in the
grass and look at the sky and feel with you, your
presence - your presence
here is my question - and not yours so much -
I ask why, when it will end.
I only want to be with those people I'll be
with while alive - sisters - or wife
and then friends.
I guess you don't relate but I'd rather
write than just think
- so from now on my first priority is finding
some one to be wife
or just so long as I'm with people who I think will
be around, I'm fine.
I think this is sad I would never have said that
not long ago -
The Idea is you have to become a whole person (like
you said) before you are able to love. But the only way
to become a whole person is to love. Loving is sharing
Like you need to love yourself before you can
love others - but you love yourself by loving others.
So, can I ever become a 'whole' person by myself?
It's so annoying that the fundamental need of people
requires other things, other people
Do you think yourself 'whole'?
what's it like.
I think there's no complete security in life even.
In fact there's not.
So, no point in anything except being
together in our insecurity? - I think so
I think that's right.
So what about stuff like music, movies, nice
places?
So the only point in anything is being together
hey
being together without being aware that it ends?
( or being aware that it ends, but not thinking about
( it ending
what about thinking about it ending - gets us
no where - or religion (maybe)
- being together being aware that it ends, but not thinking
about the ending - feeling only the present.
The water scares me
- so most people don't think about this - some people do?
I wouldn't be if I had people or future to think
about.
I only am because I have people + future to hope
for
and I am not in this present
So what do you think, who do you love
who do you love
and it follows that - we love
There's more
brett
but by email, I think
Wanted to miss you so I
could write you
Love, Colin
--