Tue 20 Aug 1996 20:00
post dec (not really actually, though I finally sealed, by email),
well, hey dear maybe I should get on, there is always a doubt in my mind that I will do these papers, until I do thim. I am thinking about Lise for whatever reason, she is funny and distant and intends to stay so. For reasons. I could say exactly what I felt and that would be.

Lise, I'd like to see you more. For whatever reason, I was interested/in attracted/to yourself, but I do not as much understand. You see- I think it is because you are different, like all the others are different. Like some strange novel, revolutionary, reactionary, evolutionary process/ event made you. What do you think and what do you say. I don't want to ask what you want because you don't know. I don't know what I want. I'd like to see you more.

And Kristen, now, what will I ever do when these to normalize, tho lise is going already, and when will the Kristen and I ethos define itself? Seems clear, but really , I'd like to talk to her more, like we say funny stuff and laugh with eachother, and inspection, I see a firkin inexpressed there to. I am afraid to push it because I might lose, though I lose by not pushing. I am the guy afraid to hug because I am not distant enough. If I were dead tomorrow I would have said love long ago, But no, I go on, and wait for resolution. Nothing is resolution. Never ends. I see an inexpressed, I feel an inexpressed. I feel you saying something to me, inexpressed. That Is why I bother these women so, in some cases. Mollie' s all expressed, will be always, there may be a little question. I am wrong though, sometimes it is just their inexpression to the whole world, and I want to know their craziness. I think it's there. Steph, Bec, Jen, Jenna, who else. But for a lot, I am not their purpose. It is interesting it seems that anyone could be mine.

This wild sprawling, is almost useless, and almost entirely outside of reality. So I play.

So I decide by the last one I am afraid to decide no.

I decide by this one, nothing, and I just wait.

So what would I say to Kristen If I would.

You're cool. Good to be with, You have a happy, but then you have eyes and question, an inexpressed something, I am guessing. I always guess, I feel.

So I will say neither to lise or Kristen, and I will wait, though if dead tomorrow, I would not.

and here is the discrep in my actions. Is this the hypocrisy?

What other decisions do I not make by waiting for the wait.

What past experience do I have to help me out here? My intuition says to wait, but it also tells me there is something terribly wrong with waiting, otherwise I have no question. This pandering with lise, is death. This joking with Kristen is sadness, unthought out though it fills us for the moment. And so we go on. I could stop Kristen and say, you're cool.

What craziness, I might say I want to to spend more time with lise, but that is a decision to want I have not made. I want to see her more, I don't want to have to entertain her myself, and so.

Some people can just be and be, and that is not what happens until a long time. Some people can just be and not question and how rare is that. So I die tomorrow and Kristen and Lise go on, or we all go on, and the question fades by repeated dry contact. This initial hope, is just that, an apercu, an not existing. It happens in a second and

I just want to get it down, what their question is. Scream it girls scream yourselves. and wait quietly to die. Improvements in communication should speed our development, but as you see, I am so many years ahead of these few that all I do is met with incredulity. Until it has been thought about for two weeks.

Moreover, this is infact inexpressible to anyone but this computer, I am writing to you all and nobody.

Nobody cares about the sex-crazed teenager, and that is what I want to get out.

Nobody cares about this hope for whatever, and that is what I want to get out. The ridiculousness is that this only happens A lone. And it's gone but underlying during the interaction. So by alone I keep the question and the feeling, and then it goes, she says.

The approaching advances gone uncommunicated have no effect. But as the form me they have some effect. I have not decided on this action, so I have not decided.

Say I do act, I go over to the xterm and start an email to lise. What I have to say should not be written and I do not want to deal with the fall-out, so I think, it is better to wait and watch the lotus flower grow.

What the hell, why don't I say hi. It all doesn't matter, so good. It is not the question of wanting it is the question of wanting the action. Do I want to write the email to Lise and say, this is cool, no. Why do I even think about it then? This I do not understand. Why do I think and daydream and so on. Why do I imagine the communication of this uncommunicated which I do not imagine, because, quite simply it could be my unrecognized apprectiation of them, it is not anything the hers have left uncommunicated it is that I have made some attempt at cmu, and it had not the effect or the extent I wanted.

Damn, Question.

To own the minds on both sides of this issue, and  then to analyze. It is so sad how different our perceptions are. And what is this sex bullshit? Why women? I give it to the animal, I give it to the image I have seen and has become me. who's bad Idea was that. You say I have this attachment to Ellse because of image, but I know it's not true.

It is because it is the excitment of this question. You see the male and I could ask, do you love me and he says yes. You see the homosexual feels it towards other men, and I feel it as I ask the feminmen about himself, I do not because of this question.

Why is there this excitment, is it because there is something more to be experienced than man to man? I am afraid Sara's experiment may have been her desire expriment, and My I don't know what.

It makes my life more interesting, if distracted, that I have this gap to imagine across, chasm. And I know most people in this culture have it too.

What is she saying? What is she saying.

So what happens to the Poor froods who do get married, and - a man in the realchange paper quoted from the hitchiker's guide-

So who are the people who do get married. And why, on Occasion do they give an appearance of satisfaction. How much is the frikin myth a part of me. And how much is the myth.

No doubt thousands have thought and maybe a few written on this before.. Well I don't know, lovers. I am thinking in novels where the best attempt at expression of character may be made, and perhaps the author uses her thoughts in her head, but in none that I remember do we get too far. Why do I feel with sons and lovers. It is a guy there and I'd say he does it. Joyce, I'd say also. But he develops other interests and only focuses briefly on the interest. Marilyn French gives us a little and leaves us with the question. She is beautiful, and I see her on the beach, don't turn to god girl, I don't remember what the end now, and different assocs, interfere. Chopin had other problems and she leaves us with the question. And they all do. Why this men women, masc/fem thing. Do the gays even play that way? There is some truth expressed, I am sure.

about our minds.

So what if this desire for communication did not exist. What would I do then. Blank, I have no question. I know I'd rather be with women than with men, but I don't want no men, for whatever reason, but why this ridic focus on few women and no men?

I think this is what I'd like to ask them about. So until mollie gets back. But does she have the question any more, no, if she did I could not ask it of her. She would be like the others.

Maybe she still will. So is it this Idea of needing a person to love. Of needing people to love? And strangely enough people focus on other things some of the time. And hmm, why can I love a woman more? So then is any one woman known, and loving together well, does that somehow lose this question with the others..

This
so, If I were with lise would I not be impressed by Kristen, tho Kristen is crazier, she wins, lise, both sublime.

this is over now and unresolved.

Can you say, "fatalistic?" I do a good job of communicating it too. Though I know it don't help my cause any.

Green, go on, and say hello for me.The only one I have left to leave alone is poor Klarson, the deal here is If I find out what she says and I'm still left to wonder, or I find out what she says.

Hey, it does little good to tell her anything because what would the effect be? Oh just a more accurate awareness of what is being said, perhaps, but actionwise, not much different.

The typical path, the typical goal we see in people today is a focus on the other and then, strangely, dating and living together and a vision of marriage as ideal. It is certainly a state I am not in right now, so I cannot but wonder how it would be like. There are of course a thousand variations possible and once one is decided the variations change. Just so long as there is variation. So what is it we are fighting for, why do we do these things. So perhaps, as unlikely as it seems, as impossible as it is, I am able to become friends, good friends with one of these PhD women, and perhaps, as unimaginable as it is, we are able to have some cool experiences together, though I cannot even concieve of myself as not myself alone, but myself, as colin and another. And in often cases that is how it is.

Or I could stay in this state. Plenty have. It does not seem enjoyable to me, but I have no awareness of else. It is like the poor south americans who see cars in the cities and want one, because they have never had the experience. And no doubt people do have the experience and then think with another it will be different. Eh, M? It would be nice to decide, but why decide, I am procrastinating here. It would seem I want intimate conversation, Intimate living with these few, because it makes each action more significant, do you say?

She is significant to me, everything she does now with me is. Supposing I could go back and float above the field invisible as she picked flowers. That would be a waste of time, not really, but in a way.

Ho! Psychology, explain me here, there is an animal explanation I am sure, but what is interesting is this manifestation in the non-animal.

So, aesthetically, what is the most beautiful interaction. Never the past, but simple enjoyment of an illusionary stasis. Is that what we attempt to create? By coming to a mutual agreement of our love and commitment to eachother, we create a sort of stasis, that as long as we each are alive, we each will mean to eachother, say? But should for some reason, how is this possible, you go off after a time of claring meaning, I am at a loss. Already I said all that stuff to sara, I love you, I love you and I think I should just get married, so I can go on, Yik, and what was I thinking of her?

What was I thinking. This is all new to me. I am afraid I went in just feeling without any sort of Idea. And left unable to sort. Saw her as new experience, and I was right, and I wanted to give her new experience also, I guess, but then we go. She was aware from the beginning that it was a little funny, I don't know what I was thinking. maybe I say it too. Clearly I show an excellent capacity for feeling only, sans ration. but you see, that is the only way I go on. Feeling.

I feel it would be poor to say unusual to Kristen, so I do not, though I feel, I at least and perhaps she are missing something by what is not said.

And that is why I need to go on with my other project the one of getting people togther to focus on open communication, asking anything going further, pure open. If we are clear about our purpose we win.

I will make up the sign tomorrow.
I will write my relatives this evening.

and that is all, finally 3:00 back to communication theory and why I work on it.

love,
Colin

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