Thu 22 Aug 1996 12:00
I called Kristen twice last night, and each was tough. She's not home. It's tougher than with jd because I know I will probably see her again even if I do nothing. It is ridiculous. I think about this situation so much, but, I do so little about this. This place sucks, some asshole's car alarm is going off and some dork somewhere is playing the radio. Later.

Why do people do such things. Between airplanes, sirens, jesus. Let me home.

So I think about this person a lot, bu I am not sure what I can do. I do not know why I feel this way. I do know that if I had more people to be with all day, this would not be as much of an issue. I suspect she would be just as planless because she does have more people. But I know I am wrong. I know it would do more good to talk to her though I have no plan and to try to figure this out, and hey, I've tried, and that was tough enough. At the same time I have said that Agee should have hugged that woman, and had he had enough distance he would have. To have both the intimacy of feeling strongly and the distance that allows you to express your insides. To make the internal match the external requires the external matching you.

I'm going to die. I hate that sound and there is no escape. I would feel worse if she did something first I suppose, but here, let me go on thinking.

I would like to see her every day. Even then, there is something more I would like to say, I would like to have her know how I feel because of this imbalance. Once that occurs then

When we were kids it was great to invite someone over to play, and that is what I would like. Now things are different, and what is play? Play is when you and some other are focused on the immediately present. We are aware that begins and ends and that is why we do not start? I expect the people who know eachother sufficiently well, can play together. Say a soccer game. Say like that time with Jeanine and Chris in the rain. The woodchips look like chicken.

Now that I have decided to do something, the question is phone call, or email. My experience with email has never been good, but It would seem better to clearly write it all out. I suppose I could write it out then read it to her.

My sister had a cool trip. The most amazing. And maybe she'll tell you about it. What can we do to make it in real life?

The most amazing, in my opinion was the people, she said so too, and how well she gets to know them being with them all day and eating and sleeping together- The physical exhaustion and food and bed and wild nature. A long time ago, and in some places still, that use to not be so unique, but now, the people I see I see for a short time. Run, let's run. Nothing ever happens unless I make it happen so here's the email, which will be read-

Hey Kristen,
Hey, Kristen, I really do not want to email you, because I think this is a perverse way of communicating except for business, but I am trying to work this out.
One: I think you're cool, I like to be around you, I like to see you, I hate to wait so long until I see you again.
Two: I don't know why I feel this way, exactly, It has a lot to do with you, it has to do with me- I would actually call this an obsession, because I hate problems like this, and I'd like to resolve them, or at least understand them. It is easier to be obsessed with trying to resolve/express my feeling to you because I am only with people in the mornings.
Three: So I like you, traditionally there are a few things I can do, I can call you and maybe think up something we could do together, but I cannot imagine that nor do I find it desirable. At the same time, I imagin if I saw you every day, there would still be something to express, and I would feel a need to do something about this. I partly wish we could be like little kids and play in the sandbox together or invite eachother over to eachother's houses. That is the atmosphere I would like to keep. But there is so much more to our play, I guess. we have the whole world, our whole life, and some awareness of it. With our conciousness so much larger, it is difficult to focus entirely on the tunnels we dig in the sandbox. In addition we have so many myths, romantic love, marriage, that have become a part of our conciousness and distort our interactions with people. I am speaking for myself only, but the reason I do this, is, I think this, and variations of it, is almost a universal problem. It is true I feel differently about you than if you were a guy, and I don't wholly understand this, except perhaps either that I hope for part of the myth, or there is a potential for physical relations, or because of our greater differences that somehow allows me to think of you as a more meaningful person to me. It could be anything, maybe even wanting a mother. Those all could be reasons I am more attracted to the female, but I don't really know.
Four: I don't see this happening, especially if I never get around to doing anything about this, but I love what I have with you already, so much, and I don't want it to change. I don't know, what is best. I hate thinking and doing nothing.
Five: So what now. maybe I have communicated with you somehow, maybe you are somehow aware of the feelings I express, and maybe you have some Ideas. A perfectly reasonable answer, I think, would be, concentrate on those people around you, Colin, the people you see most often, and Colin, there are more people more a part of my world then you are, Colin. I feel as you feel, and this is an important question. What can we do but talk about it. There is nothing really we have to do together. Our view is so large that we cannot help but think that we might live a while longer, and we hold on to those people we can be with longest.

I cannot be trivial unless I know you as you are. I could not love digging tunnels in the sanbox with you unless I know I could always do that with you. Always- My sisters are people like that, no matter what, I could go visit them and we could go find a sandbox and dig tunnels in it and have a good time. We can play together then if we know we are in the same world for our duration. What does it take to have a person you can always talk to and almost always want to talk to? I don't know, I don't know really  anyone like that now, although I would say, Mollie, and Denise, but I don't know why I want to be able to talk to you too. Maybe because I think Maybe this would be more than that, I am almost sure I am foolish, and I am almost sure I am persuing some false image, myth or category, but I really don't know. Maybe we can figure it out.

Now I wonder if you will ever say "Cawlin" in that ridiculous way again, I hope so, but who knows. You won't be able to smile without knowing so much who I am and what I think about and that changes the communication, I'm guessing here. I don't want at all email converstions. Phoning is good, but mostly I'm looking for experience together, because that mostly makes us together, as inseperable and common people instead of separate.

Anyways,
See you,
Colin.

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