Sat 24 Aug 1996 22:00
Do other people seem to take this easier. Do other people find other people more easily. All the people I think of have people tonight, not me and Scott. Kristen's fine, Lise is fine, Rebecca maybe not, Mollie, sure, Kyle sure, Stephanie, sure, Jen, I bet so. No one would mind terribly if I called them up to talk to them.

I was reading theory and then took off for a swim as I left I thought it would be nice if Rebecca could come along, and I thought of calling her, but I did not. I will next time. Kristen does this, I expect, she said she call around to her crew friends around 5 to see if they wanted to do anything.

People have found ways to deal. A team works, you see them every day. This club doesn't quite hack it, but is the best I have found and has cool people. I would say Kristen has done a good job.

So I went for a swim and saw people having fun with people and saw some more lonely old guys and a lot who are, there sadnes is in their frivolity, and then I saw Eric climbing on the rocks. There is something about the first summer and perhaps about that math class with the blue guy, McConnell. I think the one guy's name is Arron. and Eric is a good climber, and he's majoring in Physics and Ethics, and why ethics? I thought I should find meaning before I go on doing things, something like that. And, Have you found any answers? Or only better questions, that's what I think we get, better questions. Well, I'm working on the answers.. and I let him be. at this point if I were he this would have been enough to send me into my perception of meaning, but it was not the time for him. His school in Maine of 2,ooo people is a little small, he would say that 5,000 would probably be about right.

So I see the trend again, but of course I am looking for it and asking about it. For everyone who asks, there is another who goes on..

So then I come along and see Jen's picture in the Geology building and that that makes me wonder why so many people seem to go on sane and well, so many don't, but a whole lot do also. It could be I don't know them well enough, but I'm almost sure I said this before, Jen is one person I know who doesn't seem to have the sadness. I'm not sure how nosy I should be, to ask about it, not that it would matter, it is just a question of if I think there would be some sort of feeling for me as I spoke to her. Maybe If I see her and she has time, I'll ask, Maybe she would like to row in the mornings, I don't know, she is the only one I think of all I know who might. She might be a person to email, that probably would be the best way.

Jen,
I sometimes check my email in the Geology building, and one morning this break I did see you walk by. Can't help thinking, that it's been pretty nice what you've done for me, acceptance, in spite of the craziness.

Of all the people I know, for whatever reason, I don't see a sadness or a real cluelessness in you, you seem to have it together and I have no questions about it from what little I know of you. You seem to have it fine with your mom, It's not too many who can go hiking, and really get something out of it. I wish my mom were as significant to me.

So I suppose that is what I would ask you about. Do you have it down, pretty much, do you feel you have the people and the purpose and the meaning to go on fine? I just want to try to understand how you have constructed what you have, who you talk to, what you do, why.

I suppose you could write a book, and I would like you to, though the problem with my thinking is that it usually gets me into trouble somewhere. Maybe you could get it down.

Colin

like I would send this. If I had enough distance I would. Or maybe I'll end up calling her and asking her to play tennis. Yeah. What good would that do.

I know a guy who was asking what it meant to him to be Jewish.

So I suppose I would send it and the parts before and after, and Maybe you would like to play tennis, but what good would that do? One game one time is so sad just thinking about it, and I do a poor job of that, you know what I mean, I think.

So I went on and I remember that before as I was walking up I imagined myself as walking up a sand dune in a desert just after the sun had set. I remember that picture of the lone spacewoman in front of the ice towers on an alien planet, alone.

And I thought of the philosophy discussion list and how I should mail them and also how I'm sure they're mostly guys.

And I saw nate going to play his violin in the music building, I'm guessing it was nate, and I'm guessing where he was going. I guess he found a place of campus and he looks really cool, I thought of him as married and imagined his wife listening in one room as he played the violin in another.

Then I spoke to Scott who had gone to Portland and been by a drum circle. We agree how incredible they are and now I think of the bohemians or beatnicks or whatever you would like to call them.

I do not understand, they have a little institution and a little society, a sort of way of being and a sort of way of fitting in. I do not quite understand, -my breath, I smell it, and I am reminded of a kiss and a time, and and imagination of the future not as pleaseant, I don't know how to make it so- I do not quite understand.

They have ritual, myth and what was the third thing for a culture? Dramatic action maybe. The ritual of the drum - the social drama where the boudaries of the culture are tested and defined. They have the ritual of the drum circle which is a powerful, organic- constantly changing, and people come and go and dance and chant and as the rhythm changes.

But I do not understand them any more than I do the christians, but I suppose I accept the christians more because often, they have houses and maintain some standing in the convetional larger organism.

These people are separate, I would see them like the gypsies or nomads, and to be them is to wander, among people among friends, and I don't feel a permanence, just a brief aquaintance with the many, I remember one girl who knew the guys,

And I am afraid of wandering, I am afraid of never finding institution, place, permamence. I don't know how these people make money, unless it is baking cookies early in the morning.

And I heard some music from a car going by and it made me feel, and I remembered Moore's description of the conference where the woman played the sounds of the womb as I feel the beat and the change in tone.

I walk by a paper which may have been there a month, and I do not pick it up, noting how little it has rained, and how, maybe my sister, or maybe kyle would.

And now I imagine how It would be to have had her along and what she would have said, and how I could say good bye. And I wonder how it would be if she were here now and if we would say a thing at all, and i cannot imagine.

I wonder what happens to a person who goes from being alone to being with, and I wonder how her thinking changes. Kant, a bachelor, and who else? Cather, a maid, an unmarried I guess.

Steve, sure. Well I don't know. It's an interesting question. Well that's OK--Norm.

Good night.


24 sat.

To reduce the difference between intapersonal and interpersonal communication
to reduce the difference between communication inside yourself, like thoughts and feelings and communication outside yourself.

A critical mass walk.....

Digitization business

he just called to talk to me, erin, steph, rebecca

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