Sat 31 Aug 1996 10:10
[time order of entries uncertain for this period]
831 10;10
moon
lamp
bottle
glass
831 9:30
Just not knowing.
Feel that we can all love and be loved this way.
then where do we go, I wonder.
Some people
Where do I go, we
time
time
831
arousal and r
see problem.?
831
I am so much a function of my recent experience and current condition
I change so much with time and people.
For the first time, it seems, I see a sort of grown up world of relation and interaction.
Where we all know no one has any clue, as opposed to a kid thinking someone does, or she herself does.
Lisa, another beautiful wanting, she does not understand, she doesn't know why and I see her for an instant.
Tamara, now I wonder what you thought.
Anyway.
So we all wander around aimlessly, bumping into things.
Even those who have structure, model, religion or whatever, they are just as lost when it comes to this.
I cannot believe we have a world of clueless people grabbing on to stuff floating by.
As if we have any choice in the greatness we achieve.
There is no choice in what you do, you are simply a cell in this body, reacting, acting,
what to do, what to do.
tell me why I should.
--think mollie wanted me to stay,
--think I asked her to ask me to come some time
All this comm ind
and maybe I could have spoke to her or both of them If I had stayed.
time
831
I don't know.
Yeah,
There is a model also, for human interactions. I never had to think
about it before because I had no interaction. Now I am overwhelmed. I
cried because this is so foreign, I guess, or maybe because I wanted to.
Everyone is so clueless. Why not you? My problem was I have no I dea what I need from these people.
If I think of all interms of physical need. the question is there.
Is it even possible to have friends any more?
Not play, lets not even ask that. Is it even possible
no, not in the same sense.
There are so many problems. Two people think of marriage, and then are, and then what
When sex or physical touch comes, there you are.
Some go on with it all the time, sans thought I guess, sans thought.
And that's what she does.
Well.
Oh well.
Oh Well oh well oh well.
Well,
You know.
Yeah, You know what.
You know....
No,
There is no such thing as a coherent view of reality, so why do we do anything?
Supposing I am able to detail physical needs for meaning.
What does that mean to all these people I miss.
Suppose I am able to find this person,
And what would that do anyways.
It is a need to have a person know you well,
I guess that is the intimacy,
and the common experience, so we go..
I wonder what she does, I wonder what she believes.
I will paint with Amy.
Mollie, Amy, who else, have already gone on.
They are along.
But not really, not ever, same here.
And you to, ms.
What do you think.
And I will be with R and quiet, and I wonder what she does or does she ask.
What do these people mean to me and what do I do with you?
What is there to do together that creates meaning.
And you see, see, no
I seriously have a meaning problem.
I
tamara, lisa, rick, eu, james, m, chloe
I seriously have a meaning problem, I seriously have a continuous psych problem. It is good to sing and dance.
Mike is the artist the playriht and writer.
It is good to sing and dance.
the question never leaves, and I doubt, mk can do too much about it.
So maybe it is you computer whom I talk to and will keep me from going on, but I never know.
Smile.
This is ridiculous, and it is easy now to be with people too much, I
don't understand at all. Can I ever not be with a person too much.
Mollie is close,
I don't know amy,
my guess is her-
And that's it.
I suppose it is the question of if you can be with a person almost all the time and not be with them too much.
So much so that I start to feel a little out of place.. Or , unmeaningful,
either unable to get meaning from the other or feeling like you are not able to give meaning to the other.
Yes,
That's pretty simple, and I'd say it works.
I will stay home and be quiet for a time.
I somehow doubt I could be with her so that It did not feel like too much.
It is, could be, I feel drawn around,
because she has the places and the time.
drawn around, but who knows.
Well, so much for writing.
So much for the hope of finding something through continued discussion.
Something is a little better, but something else is far off.
I can keep moving now,
I do not know for why,
I can write, and read instead of only feel, but I do not know for why.
I can do the stuff but some basic meaning is lacking this time.
--
831
ON A SUperficial level, whenever I open my mouth or use these words.
How does she touch me like she does, What is she saying. What is she saying.
You sis a good job, Colin,
Ti was touhg, I know,
Don
t wory.
So It don't look like you should have acaffine low.
and
herself, patience.
How many of me has she known,...
shild.
shild
child.
I am always a child.
all ways...
How does she touch me like she does,
and why does not everyone feel with her as I do>
8.31
I am so wandering in a place like this
and she seems to know her way, like we all don't
somehow.
She seems to know the way........................
yes, yes, nodding, has she heard it alllll
as she laughs.
There was a time when in spite of worse times I was like that. I had a permanently
so, so maybe it is only situations and not new realizations, or too much time.
cry. cry
goodnight.
.