Sun 01 Sep 1996 14:28
9.1.96 September first, Sunday
2:48
It is a little cold here.
I was thinking about a fountain, and then my funeral.

It feels very nice that Rebecca would like to spend so much time with me.
very nice.

I get to see denise next thursday at 9:30 at the bus stop to go to the art museum.
I would like to paint pictures with amy, and Rebecca too, I guess.
I wonder, is Amy left handed too? I don't think she is.

I would like to play with these people all the time, just have them over, or go on walks, talk to them.

elles are grown-ups now, but we're not, really.

they

I wish you could help. I need to be working on something. Some people have some of a plan, some more involved than others. I don't really have any. I'm not going anywhere or doing anything.

Maybe I will see if Rebecca wants to go for a walk this evening, maybe around six or seven.

I'm not going anywhere or doing anything. The purposiveness of school is doubtful. If I can fill some need by talking and caring about these people I love, then

I was thinking before, the reason to develop is so that I have something to share with the others.

It is so ridiculous I can be so happy producing so little, except that I feel something is wrong. I feel that

you understand.

So could I be one of the scientists and go on researching. There seems to be some sort of respect for a job like that, I have it anyway, physics.

and I've lost my pen, after strenuous effort

There seems to be some sort of respect for a job like that, physics

Supposedly, one could make money writing, but I would never want to do that.

So why would it be better to make money doing physics?

This sort of thinking is not helpful. I just want to do something that conventionally will be respected.

I suppose If I am some sort of fanatic, I could go around with my little philosophy meetings, always, and work on new ways of teaching.

I know what makes me happy and it is not much. It is just to be able to spend time with people.

I know that both ways I lose. My ideas do not survive idea evolution, my self will not send genes on also.

But that is appealing to the whole and not to the individual.

Mom is right. I will not survive a quarter of all this, however short.

It can be as meaningless as the other if I make it.

I love not knowing what to do.
I love not knowing what to do.

The artists are brave people.

Mike has both.

People with no future.
no future.
I have no future and a lot of people do, that is why I have trouble feeling comfortable with them.

I know that someday, I will have to make money, I guess.

She, at least, has her plans.

Well, let me go on writing what I need to write.

I do realize that my wanting to change to physics is a want to be recognized by the people I am most with. These women are all scientists, to some extent. The guys also. The scientist is appreciated.

And then I could leave this stuff as I like it.

I wish there were a basic me, but I am a function of environment.

I want to be able to help the people I am with, and I like the scientists best.

How sad. This is an image I have grown up with all my life. and now.
We'll see if I can con form.

Maybe if I felt the social scientists could make a difference. But just from my own experience, it does not take any great insights to make the most basic difference, and to actually accomplish social change. We will see however.

I am foolish though to think I would be as interested in a physics experiment as I would be in a social experiment.

I don'tknow


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