Sun 08 Sep 1996 17:15
The people don't die here, only the cats, and they scream like hell as they do.

Here I am, absent from all structure. I have not even the basic structure provided by a need for survival, I do not have to work, grow food, etc. This is an unusual time. It will not always be like this. Maybe I should refuse their money so that I have some structure?

It is so fun to  hear this, I am sure you know.  no need for money, no need for survival stuff, no structure. clearly. All other structure is frivolous. The structure has not made any wonderful things possible, has not made anyone's life better or easier, has not.

It is indifferent. It is indifferent. All progress is indifferent.Actually there is no progress.

You know I just type and do not think. The words come straight from the fucking prophet Mohammed, Yeah.

No, um, I mean they come straight from the fucking God of structure its sexless self, though, you know, it is a he.

Wonderful wonderful,

Twenty years and this is me. This is me. How are you doing? I know a fine person, I know you all give the perception of being fine, and some really are fine, but I know no one, cepting rebecca who is for sure really all fine. We are all like Mr Keroac, even the women, it is a matter of how violently and how thoughtlessly harmfully we express it.

Now R. Now R. Now me, 6 years a go. 6 years a go.

six years ago,

Hell it was a delusion. She has a much less deluding Idea, and maybe there is something I can see. How can she accept the structure of science? How can she accept the institution within which she must work? How can she accept what is

I do not know, I do not know.

I do not know how these people go on sane.

I do know how I go on, and that is simply that there are other people to be with. If I am with them there needs are fine, but what the hell are my needs. I need to be with her but how. It's fine if she's fucked and I can do something to help her. It's fine if she needs help. It must have sucked having me as a kid, because for so manythings I decided, help was a hinderance, and I am right.

It's fine if she needs help, but can she see that she helps me by letting me help her?

If there were an expressed need of mine, would I see how much she gets from helping me, how much she feels how much she loves? I will assume that if I have a need she will love to help, and if she doesn't, I don't know, maybe she's too busy helping other people.

The difficulty here is that all need is rather undefinable, once the basic 'material' though all are material, needs are met.


The need is rather undefinable, emotional need??  

Clearly if I do not think, I am ok for a little time. It is with these loony people, these people who actually think they have something meaningful outside of being with another person, that I am ok.

These people have percieved needs, however foolish, and I can sometimes help them, though it is only present enjoyment, that is all that works anyways.

long term the needs do not matter. I can't get over this not mattering business. I cannot get over not mattering, in the fricking long run. even Jsus don't matter, even hiltlere. So On.

They are all arrogant to think that they do. Who matters? Lise, Kristen, Rebecca Dana, erin,  etc. So on,

But But But, but, But....
but.

yeah, but.

BUt, do they really matter? Maybe they think they do. I don't know.

help ehelp help.

Well, hyou know, clearly as leo says, thought leads to despair, and lead it has.

so, if I think, I despair.

I think therefore I despair.

What fun.

Yes, what fun!

I enjoy this so. You really ought to try thinking some time.

I loose touch of all meaning when I am alone in this little room, with my lovey computer and my itchy scrotal sac.

Yes, for now anyways.

I loose touch of all meaning AhHHHHH

Sensory deprivation. This is rather difficult to take,

not sensory deprivation, but meaning deprivation.

Welcome to life.

Rebecca has it fine, she says, why not just not care what has meaning. She says something like this maybe. Just do what makes you happy, or have fun or whatever.

But nothing does. Nothing does.

Even helping you, because I see myself in an absolutly helpless situation.

meaning, I cannot see what help can be given to me.

And If I help you, god (femail) forbid, that you end up in this helpless situtuation.

I need to run around, I need exercise, but  at this time my need is is filled.

In the morning it is not, and so I have meaning and lovey interaction, possibly for a few hours, and then it is back to this. If I get on my paper which I may as well because this is doing no good.

So I have no answers I have no future, I have no traumatic event to give meaning to my life, I have no religion, I have no lover that I can do anything for.


All my needs except the need to understand my need  are met. Except.


What need,


I am in the purest human position. The next thing to do is to starve myself to death, like bartleby.

As If I could inherently enjoy something that is going to end.

I did say , it did not matter that it ends, but If it did not end, there would be nothing to contrast to this situation. Nothing.

This is clearly an unhealthy activity. Thinking is a poor thing to do. Some idiot chinese wise cretin said, he who likes to question is destined to greatness, he who does not is fated to obscurity.

Well I have questioned, so I am destined to greatness, oh I know it. And now, I think I will not question, so I will be destined to obscurity,

I both like and do not like I am both obscure and great.


Today I got up and flsakfljk

and  asfljalj
 
then I slkjdfsakj
it was fun.

Now I think I will clean up my room a little bit and walk over to the pokockkkkk rowing club, Thank god for structure.

I think I will have to find more more stucture.

Less questions please, I have no more quesitons. I will drop friggen epistemology and become a comedian, because they don't hvae to think, right?

Maybe I will become a swim coach who never stops working.

There are no answers here. If you loose all your hurts and percieve things as they are, Kristen, you will cry and cry forever.


You will cry forever.

Keep your hurts, your injustices, your physical hunger, your definable needs because without them you are nothing, or without them you feel the undefinable need, the need for structure when there is none.

When there is none, though there is once my parents stop paying for me to sit around an type. For I will

a. Work

or
b. Starve to death


may as well work, in spite of the hassle and inconvenience. Although a philosophically pure death does sound appealing. I can always wait until I am old and sick and then starve myself to death, but that wont be quite such a daring and self expressive act.

Hmm.

I would miss all these people.

I may as well hang out with them and maybe I can help them somehow, however they percieve they can be helped. I don't know.

Maybe someone will be starving to death nearby and I can help that crazy person, unless they are the genius who starves themself todeath.

Let me know.

Shut off all metacommunicatoin, all spiritual, all perceptual mysticism and go for it. hard core, pure unconcious,

pure physical unconscious.

yeah.

let's go biology, let's go

hmm in bio I will end up in some never mind. I will
get it figured out this quarter maybe.

Love colin.


9.8.96 sun 1955 Microwave
The implications of a need based society. The most basic need is to have a need. Once a need is identified, actions may be taken to meet it.

If, In the case that there is no easily percieved need, one may be said to have no need, or rather a need to have a need, and even so, without need, one has a need. The human condition is forever needy.

In the case of an Identifiable need, action can be taken, but what of when there is no percieved need? This appears to be a significant problem, but really, it's not.

For the person without need is a person without motivation. This person has no need to do anything really. The only reason this person goes on is because other people go on as well. This person lives on the need of other people, and, presumably, other people live on the need of this needless person.

What does a needless person do? A needless person needs other people and their needs. Even though this person may be aware that the needs of the other person, like she has realized of her own needs are only percieved and largely meaningless, this person does not mention that to the other person and simply lives through them and takes on the other's needs.

Does this work?

I don't know.

I need to work on my paper, but not really. I need to call Kristen, but not really, I need to wash my clothes, but not really, I need to call will, and I do need to call will, I need to row tomorrow and I do need to row tomorrow. I need to write gann, but not really, I need to write taylor and laura, but not really.

I need to see Rebecca, really. I need to see Kristen? I need to see Kristen? I need to see Lise? I need to see need, I need to see appreciation of what I do which is not terribly much, but more than any other person.

Are there any other interesting things we can do before I get to work? I was thinking we might play a little game of dangerous thought. That is when you think a thought that is dangerous to your present situation. But what is dangerous and what is your present situration?

Hmm. We might tell eachother just how much we mean to eachother, because, I at least do I
no

We might just simply go out to the backyard and hold hands and look at the sky and listen to the gently roaring traffic. But I would get bored of that maybe, I don't know and then we could wrestle, that sounds fun. Yes, exciting foreplay to a sexual encounter. Unfortunately that is probably not inaccurate. But we can be careful, and it doesn't have to be that way. Kristen is safe, I know unless she decieves herself.

So we could roll around in the grass, but we would not want to leave eachother. Hmm, and why not? I don't really know. Because becaseu.

It is one of these strange things. How much do you need? Go on.

.