Mon 09 Sep 1996 19:00
Well this, is it.

So how should I express the find?

And should I? Sure.
(what does steve do, what is he up to?) He told me how he's feeling.

Dear people, many people,

On September 9, 1996, I finally ended the period of exploration and questioning, which first began, probably after I was in third grade, probably. I try to imagine why, as a kid I was so able to express love and write love notes, and love, when for so long I had so many hang ups about it. I was so independent, I did care what the guys thought, maybe but I left them for what I thought was best. I think that when I left Monterey and that situation, something poor happend, but something which has now let me return, or not return but realize again, anew what it was then.

Questioning was always expressed somehow, someway. After a time, I found some structure which gave easy meaning, grades, Boy Scouts, getting into a good school. Eventually I began to question the structure. It did not feel right. I did not know why.

For years, for years, through many theories of what the right way of life is, I finally am here, I think at the bottom at the point where I can see all other flailings as an expression of the basic human need. The need for need.

I wrote a paper my freshman year in high school expressing the need for sexual satisfaction, such a powerful need was ignored, is ignored, suppressed, put off, and why? Does not birth control work? Why Why?

And who talks about it really? If you can find that paper let me know.

 So it is, the need for need. The most meaningful communication is that which allows those communicating to interact in a way that meets their greatest needs. This is love. But all needs are percieved? Why do we live? Why do I need a telephone? Why do I need human interaction? In the end I end up dead. In the end it all ends any ways. We are all each of us insignificant, even the most notorious of individuals are trivial to time.

So. The basic human interaction we call life is, when we call it living, is when we love, when we love what we do, when we love another person, when we love ourselves. When we have a need and we work to fill it.

How exciting, Yeah, I don't feel like writing this so much any more, but when I have a person to write to, sure.

I mean, it is so basic, but to vocalize it is to be aware of it. Vis.

Well, I guess I had better go to sleep or work on my paper. Tomorrow, bio. And neuromancer.

love,
Colin

I'm having to go across the road, to the med encampment.
colony

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