Tue 10 Sep 1996 12:00
, need to return a book

Not too hot. Email is the cause, and Kristen was not so laughingly. And to poor lise said things like always, could call her.

She's nice. Oh, this is crazy. There's so much to write about, but I need to do that

Oh, this is so good, I've never had such a fine time. Am still embarassed or annoyed rather by beserk or whatever email. Could have been sent out by the mail command on saul maybe? Should quit thinking about it. Three people matter, Kr. R. L.

good.

I know I'm off a way on this percieved need, am I? I really have to wonder if I were in an evironment of philosophers, no.

No. I mean, here it is,
and it was a bit, or rather manic. Greg is so cool.

Kr. I don't even know what I'm doing.

So why not dedicate myself to helping individuals realize themselves? What will they rea


So I have realized all needs are percieved. I need need, and I choose the need that

bs. M. There is a definite need to be with these people, but it only works because I have a future to give.

If I say, oh, I might be studying philosophy, and speech cmu, or I want to help people communicate more openly, fine, but i am not enthusiastic, because.

If I say, oh, It will be neuro biology and the ways of getting thoughts, the ways of communicating will be improved, investigated. Spasm spas, lower left back.

But as I say that I feel wonder, wonder about the potentiality and the path.

What is it I am trying to do? I want to make recording and playback incredibly easy, What is the reason for this?

What is the reason for anything? I could be writing books and promoting the perceptions I have percieved, this need business, but that seems annoying. If the people are not happy, are not occupied with their current path, they will suicide, depress, despair, or try something else, I just don't feel like doing it.

If on the other hand, I am able to do this, and that is, think my words onto the screen, think by words into a recording device, rather record all my thoughts, that would be incredibly cool.

And what use would it be? Already I have written more than anyone would want to read, and I do not understand those who might read it, but I don't see it as a waste, because the time will come when I will read again., Maybe, maybe.

Reminding me of another problem, and that is security with these people. I wonder how she's doing. And that is friends, like they are friends and not something less long lasting, and the last friend I lost to change. I hope not these.

And what use would it be? Even less constructed even less thought about communications. Such incredible stuff can be done.

And how is the shunt to my fingers instead of to my mouth affecting what I do and say and how I say.

Well, these are the questions I can ask.

and what of the philosophical questions? What of those Ideas...

I was going to mention change and effect, and relation to practical existence. Physics is the most spiritual, least related? na, then philosophy? I don't even know what it is. What is art? Why does it matter?

How does revco fit.

tomorrow is wednesday, already

What is art? Art is a word, what is the aesthetic experience what was it when I drew that little board? What was it when I drew shannon?

What am I doing with these people? Sure I could call anyone of them up and go for a walk with them and have a fine time But the need is more and I choose, the need is I don't know. It doesn't matter who. I don't believe it, it doesn't matter, and that is how it is, so. the song.

Is there any reason to spend my time concentrating on the aesthetic? It may be enjoyable but It does not help me any, I have a need, a need to fit in, to feel a part, and I don't want to wander aimlessly and be an artist. I have only people to paint, and I don't even want to paint her if I can talk to her or hold her hand. And what of what Dali has done?

There is an awe a beauty in concentrating on such a beautiful thing, a beauty in the creation, but there must be something to create. And there you are.

So am I going to embark on a single-minded pursuit of Neuromance? And techno dream etc, etc, and ignore the aesthesis, the physical love, the intimate interaction? I cannot see why I would. I can see that if I concentrate on all, the people and the work one may lose.

check quota for lost data, check.

I am but a part in this machine. I need you. I work as I want to work. I don't want to be a farmer, because I will wonder, and have no need. But as the specialized of the special, there is no greater than those who create the new communication. We have the writers, then the printers, then the telegraph or radio, then telephones, or before, then tv, now the internet, etc. Each has made us a more advanced organism, and let us review the states of the organism, or the development of the organism, but this organism does not reproduce, it only creates order where there was none. We are no better off than our ancestors were? I don't know, some of my ancestors seem in pretty sad shape. We are, in some cases, a hell of a lot better off than our ancestors. I dreamed that GAnn died, and in some cases, a lot worse off. I sould say we are no better off. Doesn't matter any way, we are changed, we are different how to lose the organism metaphor.

So we play our parts, and what of those who do not, who are unsatisfied, hell take it off, tear your world a part, if you have a need go for it. If you have no need, find one. If you have no need, the buddhist way, randall was saying, you are gone, you have ceased to live. Ceased to live. As long as you need, you live,

But need in love. The need is to love, the need is to have need to fill, to love filling, and if you cannot love the effects of your need, quit it.

I guess that's it. I can finally be quiet and move on, and leave the social sciences to someone else. It is the individuals who make everything go well. With fine individuals, the rest will be fine.

I wonder what kyle has to say. What is she doing?

final dr.
love, and quiet.
colin

It is the interpersonal meeting of needs the interpersonal loving that is the best of life.

Using gvt to meet needs and distance between people worsens, cheapens.

heller's coherent view of reality (liberal) and what is a belief?

want, need.

2005

Oh i lied I will lie and I have lied.
I layed, I will lay and I have lain.

I want to write just to write for no other reason than to write. I was imagining writing Kristen a letter, an email and how nice it could be because there is no tension, no distance really, unless I mess up what I say. Its like with lise and maybe R.

To day was a little sad and I was feeling a little sadly at this end of it. Mostly because there is no joy. There is no joy. Oh joy, that's what Matt with the flaking skin said in fifth grade. Oh.

Here's a question for you: what do you want when you hang with these femmes? Oh a hug and a love for life, you know, Like I'm going to see you for a little while.

But grown ups do things like have houses and have people over for dinner. I am dying as I write this, I am dying. I despair, I cry, I scream. Time is over, time has ended, and unless you tell me what to do I will not do it.

We all have our glowing needs and what is yours I need to understand. Imagine the perfect being with, and imagine heavan and heaven and create heaven. Eden. Nede. Go.

I went with her today on a long quiet walk, and a preoccup with the external, and with R. it is the inter, oh I make love up.  

Today on a long quite walk. A quite walk, not a sure one, but a quite one. And she touched my knee and my shoulder and mumbled in my ear, and stumbled a long, like a tired bird. Like a bird that has walked so many miles. What did you say.

I smiled and listend and walked along, and did not say hardly a word, and she held my hand and said, kristen, what do you want.

And she said, . Yeah, she said.

And we walked along and I took her hand and said, Kristen, what do you want, and she went along, along, long time. She said a Salmon, a shiny one with iridescence around the gills, and kristen found a salmon, a shiny one, with iridescence along the gills. She felt its smoothness, its slipperyness and she felt the side of the tail. She said, I love you salmon. I love you salmon. Heck you're such a fish. Then she tossed her into the pond, swim .

Can you swim?

Hey, what are you doing, evading, obscuring what can never be made clear, like the fog around the mountain top that never lifts, like the world rather hot, with twice the CO2. Yeah, twice the CO2. What did you say?

Hey, what are you doing, evading, obscuring the true love, as we walk along only half there. What do you want dear what do you want dear, and now my mind is full and my eyes are hip no tise d by the glou.

the glow. Friend, what do you need? Friend what do you need? No, I'll hike on over there. I walk slowly everywhere, or run. Even during school.

So what is it we say when we really need to see, how do we say goodbye so we know we're welcome again, how do we say goodbye so we know we really love? And how does she feel from what I do?

What do I want? I want you to tell me, that you will be here, that you are here for me as you are, and I make up any perception as I go along; I write a fantasy novel. I write fantasy.

tonight I go to sleep.

Tomorrow dear is wednesday. We'll see eachother then. Your eyes, my mind, one fine creation, tell me now. Tomorrow is Wednesday/

Oh I want to see you again, I want to know you need me. I want you to know I need you. I need you and I will not pretend otherwise.

I need to see you, and it is better to have a desperate need. Because. because.

I want you to know I need you. I want to know you need me, I want to know how.

So someday before I go, tell me. Someday before we have waved, touched, felt a hand for the last time, someday tell me, before I go. Sunday.

Cry for the sadness of the world. There is no sadness really, but she feels it fine. Does it do well to talk if I do not understand so well? Tell me what it is to talk to me Kristen Rebecca and then

Cry like you did, the day you were born,
Cry like you will the day your mother leaves.
I want to see you,

I want to see you.

And is there only Melancholy. How does she get to the joy to the exhiliration. I see it no-where and that is fine as long as no one pretends to be it. No it is not there, there is only her cool calm and her quiet talkative satisfaction, but in time she will show that she trembles and is scared, or that there is a break.

No, in no time, there is, there is no need, and that is the end,

That is the end of time.



I really should go. there is no more, there is no light, there is no life left, maybe folks you can help through, and this will be only a chapter in a long creation. Only a chapter in the book that was a person once and is no more.

So what is a clear, what is a freedom, and what does Dear Kristen think and feel now, because I know she does think and feel. She does think and feel. I think even Rebecca feels, quietly, quietly strong. Tell me how.

So what is clear, what is freedom, oh, where are you going? What have you seen? What does Kristen think and feel now, because I know she does think and she does feel.

Talk, talk yourself, talk yourself quiet, until you have said all you can. Cry cry yourself, cry yourself quiet, until you can't cry any more. If you laugh, laugh no longer, because it hurts too much. And feel, feel the feeling, the stone the knot the tension, feel the euphoria, the lightness and the weight, the ecstasy, and the death by cement shoes on the the bottom of a clear lake. The effervesence, Oh and when I breath, Oh I breathe myself away, that was that german poet, somehow. Effervesce, evaporate, sublime, charge, crystallize. Crystyl Eyes, Cry still eyes. I don't know.

Oh and I play this keyboard like I would another, only I know that another might here, so I do this. I reek, and I reek, it is a function, and

What would you like? A cheerful piece cannot be created, a blank one is ready, in fact, here are a few:





They say various things, Like when you will find it what it will be, and how you will like it how it is. How it is. They say various things, like the time you went that far away to the place where it was so easy to sing that you did. So easy to sing.

What are you doing? Where do you go? I don't want to leave you, I don't want to leave you. Don't make me go. Please. I need you. Love me.

Colin Leath
9/10/96

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