Fri 13 Sep 1996 20:07
There is so much I do not understand,
and because I take it by myself to night,
I know,
I do wish I did not have to live throught this,
I do wish I could die right now.
The thing is, maybe we can get better. Maybe she will stick around,
And even then.
It's so sad that's all it takes, maybe,
who knows.
And it does not happen.

It is all because I have not exercised and have been eating,
that is all,
and that is not.

It is that need, I need so much, and so much,
I have to do this too.

I really wonder if I ever can make it as I write I say I want to.
I suppose it doesn't matter really. I suppose it doesn't matter.
May as well try and If I am to lazy in that area that is fine.

If you will talk to me, I could stay with you forever.
I do know R. that you can go on.

That is so fine. If you will be with me, I could be with you forever. But you are not that easy, and you give me both the insec and the constant love.
Any ways,
Any ways.

Am I,

I am
allways.

Any ways,
here it is:
From the Void in Real Change, Sept 96 vol. 3, no. 9

Kristin's wrist.

Unforgiving, by Dawn, you know, her.

Unforgiving tears run from by blank eyes, you think you know what I feel, but you are damn wrong. No one understands the pain I feel inside, I want to die. Don't you understand? I'm looking for love that isn't there. Hiding from my own thoughts, scared I'll find something there. Trying to find someone who loves me. But, I'm all alone. Standing in a corner, wanting so bad for life to end, but it still hasn't come. Can't even tell who my real friends are. My heart is forever scared with haunting memories that won't go away. Can't even figure myself out, who am I? You left me there crying, not giving a damn about anybody but yourself. Look what you've done to me you've fucked my life up, you know who you all are. Trying not to walk away from sanity, can't let myself go crazy. My life is too fucked to give a damn. So I sit and wait till it all ends.

Dawn

Daen


Feelings

My knowing eyes look out at the world with hatred.
Life is so full of promise, and lies, that sometimes I just want to die.

Someone take this pain away, make it all end. Love
is nowhere to be found, so fast I'm being dragged down.

I cry out for help, but I'm ignored, look at this fuck'n world!

No matter where you turn, there is no way out.
People laugh, people scream, people cry, and people die.

But does anyone care?
I'm so scared.
I've lost everyone I love, there is few left.
But how long is it till they are gone to; and I'm left standing alone?

Is there any hope?
People look at me like I'm crazy, I'm just trying to keep grasp of my sanity.

Is there anyone out there?
I doubt so.
I cry and wait, waiting and hoping for love that is lost.
Looking for it in all the wrong places.
Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be, so I wait to see.
Dawn H.

Kristin, you really think you will live forever? Tell me how,
Tell me please.

is it what

Hate
To me none of this seems real
I have no soul left to steal
My hear is now made of stone
Please don't leave me all alone

Nothing worth living for
I don't give a shit anymore
And after all said and done
I don't know that I've become

hate was deep in my soul
No feeling now just a hole
I only have this empty thing
It doesn't hurt just sting

Alone and empty nothing I can be
Alone and empty the whole world to see
But without it you are something
Wish it was true, I am still nothing.

anonymous.


Empty

in this place i feel i'm all alone,
nothing more than flesh and bone,
look inside a soul you won't see,
deep inside i am empty.

nevermore has beauty brought pain,
than now when you're alone,
hatred for that beauty soul left stained,
within your heart gasps a moan.

you hat me i hate you the same,
your god isn't true burn in the flame,
go to hell where you belong,
he's lying to you and has been all along.

tell me the truth what do you think,
good and evil can't be distinct,
faith in god can't be true,
fear of death what's wrong with you.

death you can't get away from it,
when you die who gives a shit,
i know i don't no one will for me,
because my whole life is empty.

anonymous

MISSIN STATEMENT

We are a group of dysfuntional youth who got the opportunity to expose our perverse minds to the public. We started a paper to subliminally pry into the minds of the public and pump them full of the horror of our everyday lives. A true monstrosity indeed. It was from the moment they chose us to write for them. As for the contents of teh paper, they will be the dirt roots for us that will frow into mind manipulation of the masses.

--
I was told to write an opinion article, yet I sit here today with even the quietest noise booming in my mind like infinitely large drums beating in rhythm and tones in order to form voices, the tapping of a pencil, the yawn of a person across the room, or the humming of the computer that I am typing on at this moment. Every sound around me has been blown up into deep,loud, booming annoyances that I have no way of escaping. Originally I was planning on writing about some sort of social injustice; a lay I think should be changed, or a book I think should be written, but I have found that I care much more about the problems I have found in my own mind than in the world that surrounds me. I care less about a world that could very easily go on without me in it, than the one that wouldn't exist if I were not here.

So often I escape into my own mind, into a world where you can see purple planets moving throught he sky, the sun rise in the west, and blood streams from people's eyes when they cry. So often I have no connection to the people who physically surround me. So often I am only physically in the world so many of you call home, and for this I have been looked down upon, criticized, screamed at, pushed away, and treated with either a heavier or lighter hand than others. I react differently to stimuli than anyone else I have ever met, and because of that I have bothe had teachers give me more leeway, and make my life harder to try to, "teach me to deal with my unique difficulties."

For years I have made one of my goals to try to get people to treat me like they would treat any other person, yet I have discovered that the only way to do that is to not tell others my age, racial background, mental history, or anything that has happend in my life that is not completely common, but, in truth evern followin the guidlines that I have just describes, will cause people to treat me differently. They will single me out because I don't share my age, racial heritage, mental history, and uncommon things in my prior life.

I suppose that in a way this article is about social injustice, but it hasn't turned out to be an opinion column in the traditional sense. It is about discrimination, it is about being an outcast, it is about what it is like to be me.

rchange@speakeasy.org
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