Thu 19 Dec 1996 17:36
[rebecca.wri continued]

well, I'm depressed now. Dana had her wisdom teeth pulled and she's downstairs watching TV, and it sucks, what she's watching. Moreover, Erin was playing solitaire on the computer. And I miss the food I usually eat. Oh well- I finished eating and now I can be up here and work on this.
love,
--
So the trick with sex should be for me to believe there is no possibility of vaginal sex, then, perhaps It will not occur to me to desire it, when I am close. Well this doesn't work so well. I wish you were here to hug and to be with, but there is no possibility of that.
Enough of that.

As my dad was driving me home, I had the opportunity to talk to him about the nature of relationships and also the decision to have kids. He said there's probably no deep philosophical reason two people decide to be together, they like to be together, and find someone they get along with reasonably well. It's never perfect, you have problems, the other person has problems, and they share your problems, and you share theirs. He said it was about people deciding to share their lives.

Asking him about deciding to have children was the best, however. What did he say? Well, mom and he met and waited a while and then got married, and then waited a while, mom got a dog, then they had kids. . . He said it's one of those things people do, not so much because they are thinking about it, but because of societal expectations. People look around trying to find someone to share a life with, then people have kids. {this is only a very poor approximation of the dialogue} Maybe I should get one of those little tape recorders. What my dad said was said much more beautifully with a smile, peace.

He said it's one of those things, those life experiences, which when you decide It would be interesting to find out what it would be to be a parent, and you can become a parent, you do. He said it's a thing which if you don't do it, you will always wonder what it would have been like. He said, as you grow older you change, you do things you never thought you'd do and think things you never thought you'd think. People get married, never thinking they would divorce, but people change, and people get divorced. Perhaps the never thinking part should be emphasized, although I should not say anything until I've lived and died.

The more I am with people, the more I realize I am way out there, and yet I also see I have a lot in common with these others. One thing I think and know of, is that people know they have other life work to do, which requires all their concentration, and these perhaps aren't as curious about the parenting experience as they are driven to do what they need to do. Moreover, we have our impression about what it may be like to be parents from our parents, and I wasn't terribly enthused about it after watching my parents. Of course the perspective may be different when I have the opportunity and the stability to do such a thing. The two conditions I mentioned before need to be met.
--

As I think over this writing, and thinking I want to send it to you, I feel bad about some things, and see that I have felt bad about saying some things, like that stuff about Why Rebecca? And that stuff about the Ideal, which I don't believe are so valid. But I asked the question, while I most disagree with it now, I don't censor or have much concern for the effect of my words, as long as the represent the thoughts I thought at the time. I only hope that you would do the same, however hurting the thoughts, that I might know what it feels like.

Oh, I'm getting tired again.

So, I'll get done with this soon but Is that a good Idea what I just wrote? Generally we try to think about what we say so we don't hurt other people. But if we are truly ourselves, and the other is confidently his self, what we think is who we are and if we desire not to hurt, our most hastly thought thought does not hurt. I said something like the ideal would be . . .I don't want the ideal, there is no such thing, I want the real, the tenable most of all. The ideal is misconception if it does not exist in real?

oH whatever. I'm gettin really tired now, or I was, but I have recovered. I'd like to throw a few more things out in this brainstorming and then call it done.

The problem of thinking about something without doing anything about it, the model of a variable importance, and can it work?

Thinking about something without being able to do anything about it can be a problem. This is when a person spends all her time in the present imagining possible scenarios in the future, and these imaginings are only useful to a small extent. I have found it is best to think about things I can do something about. It is good to think about you a little, because I can see you fairly often. It is foolish to lay on my bed and daydream about all the possibilities for the club I'm trying to start. I should just work on the the thing. In other words it is good to focus on what I have some control over, or something like that.

Second, this variable importance thing. that is you should (should you) assume total importance when I am with you, and less when I am not?

no, no- Windsurfing was very often of most importance though I could not do it.

But I say at the end of the paper, I am after the whole life which is best at meeting my needs, and so is each other person. I can choose not to concentrate on (in some cases, not like that weekend when you were with amy I guess) what is not positive concentration.

Hubbard says our mental CPU is incapable of making a mistake. We just give it the wrong data. I apparently had assigned an incorrect meaningness level to something that weekend. Oh I don't know.
-
fatness
inadequacies,
other strange, perhaps negative stuff,
and the evolution of our feelings of eachother.

It doesn't really bother me, you are beautiful, I wonder if my appearance is something you have to get over, or if it's fine with you. My own flabbiness bothers me, but I am content I will not always be that way, as I believe I have been doing a good job of becoming less flabby.

{this is perhaps a stupid thing to talk about, but maybe not. It gets worse. You are beautiful. I think you always will be, but I don't know. I don't know. doesn't matter really, does it? Only what you think}
I don't know if yours bothers you, you say it doesn't but I don't know. It doesn't bother me, and I wonder if it ever could, if, as you said once, people have a tendency to gain weight as the person gets older. How do you feel when I feel your belly? You seem quiet, but maybe that is me. I like to feel your belly, your softness. I have seen that you take care of yourself pretty well, and most ways? better than I take care of myself. Mom does not take care of herself super well, and that is what gets me.

It does get me too this business about buses when having to write papers. What's funny is that I often, well, sometimes, think it would be nice if I did not have to live, but it won't be directly my fault if I don't live. I might feel better if you were talking all the way dead, but you're talking hurt, which is different. Oh, well, I just love it that you tell me these things, like you held me there with you, when you said you were standing on the edge of the parking garage, looking down. And then you do not walk near the edge of the bridge. Oh and having a gun around would make it too easy to kill yourself.

Why is this a bad thing? What is wrong with suicide? Mostly, i think, why hurry what is coming anyways. Now who knows, perhaps you'll say, geeze he was taking it all wrong, and suppress such mentionings in the future, but I hope not. What's especially cool is when a guy gives all appearance of going along fine and doing well, and then hangs himself. That's beautiful.

And you'll see all scrawled over my papers of certain eras, "I wish I could die now." Rarely because I am living the best then,  mostly because I am hating it. Oh well-   }
--

I guess I only mention this stuff because a time sitting on the bed and me feeling self conscious about my belly when you looked at it stuck in my head. It is a motivation to work further on being as good as I can. And also, "I just don't want to know that you can look like this." Maybe that's what gets me. I suppose it may be possible for me to feel that way about your appearance sometime. I can't imagine it. It's never happend? It has more to do with the activity you do at the time I guess. Yes, something like that. And that matters less because I know you can be beautiful, I only hope you are that way more. Oh well, this doesn't matter either, any more, now that I've gone over it.

ignore this all, just love yourself.

inadequacies-
well, not so much, you are so comparatively awesome though it is a little hard to not be awed. Like before, it is good motivation.

Your hard words about my poor study habits were a very good thing. It made me feel bad about something, but it was a something I could do something about, and wanted to, not just because of you. Mostly, you showed me how I could be, and I want that.
-
Other strange, perhaps negative stuff? nothing of even the low level of significance of all the nits I've brought forth here.

the evolution of our feeling? I don't know what what was about.

that's enough-
love,
Colin.

.