Mon 23 Dec 1996 08:39
[RS-CL.DOC]

                                R-C

I'm not quite sure what to make of this, but for the next while, I am going to try. I am a 20-year-old male in the US I have grown up in a certain sort of culture, and I live in one now. I am concerned with achieving and maintaining the greatest level of concentration for the greatest amount of time that I can.

What is the best concentration I can achieve? Actually, the purpose of this writing is to attempt to understand my relationship to Rebecca. This relation is one which has occupied a great part of my attention for some time. This relation has in the past, and is now commanding a fair amount of concentration.

We are working with a great uncertainty in determining the value of this concentration. First, I have focused for so long on the male-female relation as being perhaps the most important part of living, my present perspective is certainly affected by this past focus. However much I would like to not be bothered with the idea of the male-female relation, I still am. Perhaps because I have not found anything better.

I don't know what level of a question this is, because there is a huge missing here. I need something to do, and I want it to be my own. I guess that is what this is. . . .

There are a few things we could talk about, but I'd rather not. I am in the do-nothing. She no longer exists in this world, because she is not here. She existed in a world that is a little while ago, but no more. Most people are fairly content to be content, but I will never be; Contentness disgusts me, fervor is more appealing, and disillusionment is the only true way. Let us pretend however, that in spite of all this, and for some peculiar reason, my disillusionment and incapability of action is somehow appealing to this other person. Supposing she didn't mind me terribly the way I am, what would happen then?

Of course this is impossible. But nothing is going on now, it does not hurt to play in impossibilities. First, would having someone like her to be with on occasion be conducive to my overall goal of disillusionment? We must consider a few things.

She will never be there to be with. She has many other people, and these people are important to her. I am one among many. Hmm, not too different from Kristen. Yet, I guess with Rebecca, for a while anyways, I had a lot of time, a lot more than the others.

Would my greater goal of disillusionment be served by such a relation with this person? Is my goal really disillusionment? Pirsig's goal is Quality, the achievement of a quality life. Isn't it beautiful that he was about to find the most quality in Suicide? Perhaps he was desperate to escape negative concentration. My goal, as stated in the past, is to achieve sustainable positive concentration, this involves creating a world in which I have no desire for more control, or perhaps, accepting what incredibly amazing control I have in my present situation.

Sustainable is a concern, and yet it is an impossibility. If I fix my motorcycle for today, or for the next 10 years, what difference does it make. Sustainable is an impossibility, it is a desire for control which cannot be realized. The goal should be modified to be the achievement of positive concentration.

Isn't that terribly sad, though, to think that whatever concentration I may find will never last. This is sad. The trick is, though, to be so concentrated that the future and the possibility of the end of the concentration is not realized. This is not easy at all, and yet, that is how it is done. I don't read those fiction books any more, because I know the alternative reality they offer doesn't last. Yet plenty of people enjoy them. I have destroyed that type of concentration for myself. At any rate, I think sustainability as a goal is conducive to disillusionment. This is very different from the goal of being a sustainable person, or a person whose way of living is sustainable by the environment if all people lived the same way as you, something like that.

Second-- is relation with Rebecca conducive to positive concentration? Certainly this relation has proven to be conducive to concentration, a good deal of which is not positive, because I am continually wanting what I cannot have, sustainability, and an overwhelming intensity of concentration from both of us.

But positive concentration? can she create a static desire, inspire static emotion? That seems unreasonable to ask of living woman. But you know, I will never be "there" until that static desire is the only desire I have. It is the same thing as positive concentration.

I guess the people who exemplify this static emotion are those who meditate for years and years and this is what they do. Their culture is more developed than ours, but, it seems, we will destroy theirs anyways, and then, perhaps, eventually evolve that way ourselves, however, I think there are a number of things discouraging the evolution of static emotion in present-day US society, but maybe (as some visionaries say) it is happening.

Clearly I am foolish even messing with another living person. Of course, we are talking about living here. Why does it matter if you're happy while you're alive if I'm going to die anyway? Exactly. So let us concentrate on the angst-producing activities now, and I can worry about being happy after I die, though, perhaps, and it does indeed seem, that I won't have to worry about being happy after I am dead.

We are certainly getting somewhere now. I think I may have been right last April when I said my goal was to be "tragic." I realize I could be happy now, and I know how I could effect this, but I may as well wait until I die, because I will be automatically happy then anyways. Yet living a tragic life sounds so exciting, much more active than "disillusionment," yet only a little more difficult to attain. I'm not sure if Rebecca will be as enthusiastic about tragedy as I am, but remember, I am assuming she will be, because if I am, and she's not, or if I am and she doesn't like that, then we don't have to worry about any of this at all.

Is this relation with Rebecca conducive to a tragic existence? Why yes! I doubt I have the gumption to play out a full traditional tragedy involving multiple deaths, but then what sort of tragedy would that be? It ends. This is a problem too, a tragedy which is over quickly is not as tragic as one that lasts for years.

The question is, what do I want, and is it what I really want. After I decided to live, I decided that I could choose what I wanted, but I had better choose something. It appeared that I had certain biological needs, and these were things that any living organism would want, food, sex, family, sleep, etc. Happiness is not such a great goal after all, what should I focus on? How about, let's not think about it. That would be fine if I were busy doing things, but I am not, and there's nothing I want to do, because I think about it. Yet there are some things I don't think about the point of, because I know the point, I do my school work, because I like to concentrate in that way, and if I do well, I get to keep concentrating.

But Rebecca is not so simple. I guess I hope that maybe someday she won't be taking off, and we can hang out together for a while. This is not a valid concern now.

Let us imagine we are back, and she's around, and we get to see eachother. What do we do then.

Really,  I do nothing. I do excercise, and do my work, and perhaps someday I will read my books, and do work on consciousness ed, but to be honest I don't do much.

If she were here, I would really like to have vaginal sex with her, that seems to be the direction things go for me, and that is what I think of now, that I think of it. Then, after I got my sexual tension out of my system, we could go for a walk. That would be a lot of fun. Then we could come back, and probably eat something, then we could go to bed and she or I could read something. I could always mastubate though. Masturbation is however less appealing to me now. In fact, the whole sex business is less appealing to me now because it is such a problem. What would really happen is this. She would come over, we would hug, I'd get aroused, she too probably, etc, I'd cum eventually, and then we'd hang out there quietly. It is for some reason disturbing to have that be all we do. And it is nice to go on walks with her.

But what is the deal? There is some strange want here that cannot be fulfilled and is just going to make me unhappy about things, which isn't bad, I just thought I'd wonder. I really don't know what to make of this.

The only thing I have from her is that she someday wants a house and a garden, and perhaps, if she can, someone to live with her.

So what will I do then? See her as long as she has attention for me. When she gets sick of me doing nothing, things will be back, more or less as they were. That seems about right.

I only really have one question of hers to work with, and that is, "Why me?" She has a lot of friends, very different from my situation, I guess that makes me wary or worrysome about something. She has more things to concentrate on than this, and does, yet, it seems, I would not have more, and want only this. I don't do anything with it, though.

Why her, well, she has quality for me, she causes concentration, which I think is better than no concentration even when bad. I do like to be with her, I like to think about her, I respect her and love her. I do wonder about her though, like I wonder about my self, will we be able to live as we want to live, and is how we want to live the way that is best to live. That is all. Why her? There aren't many like her. She does care about appearance it seems, and while maybe she's getting more like them, she's not like all those other women trying to be beautiful, pretty cute sexy, whatever, she's not really any of those, except to people who love her, and in that case she is more any of those than anyone else. I love to see her outside with all her clothes on to stay warm. I am not sure she is so enthusiastic about myself, and that bothers me, but that is life. If she wants to feel differently about me, perhaps she will feel differently, and maybe she does think I'm beautiful who knows. It's no big deal. I am beautiful, and I'm pretty ugly. Whichever you like. Just as her. And yet there are times when I am not beautiful at all, and perhaps she too. It may be she is really beautiful, and what I see is in her and not in me, and she then may be right in not seeing the same in me. That is probably how it is, if it is the case.

Is this "why her" business really important? I know why her, it is because she likes me, and why me? it is because I like her. And do I like her only because I'm lonely? Does that matter? This is not a state that will change soon, or even with her, though it does, and then I have to leave. So you see, I am pretty sorry, but oh well. Those Self-Actualized are hard to get to know. they are so content and unmotivated to need. or whatever.

I was hoping that thinking about this would give me some idea of what I want to do with her, and I have no idea, I have no Idea. I don't know. Well, she has a warm body if she wants one, as long as I'm alive. I don't live off her motivation, there's plenty I am unmotivated to do, even with her, but I guess we may find those whom we are motivated to do the most things with. And perhaps I will find a few things I am wholly motivated to do and then a person who I am motivated to do those things with. See you again someday Rebecca.
love,
Colin

Really, that is it. No answers, only questions, just as there are supposed to be. Not disillusionment, only constant wondering, and the lack of a set of values in my interaction with her, like it seems I have been developing a set of values and a way of acting with regard to my work at school. Yet because she is as yet valueless, I don't know how to act myself in relation to her, she is an unknown, I don't know what we do, why, or how this relation works. And like a kid leaving the country for the unknown city, it seems I will hang around until, perhaps, someday, I get a little better idea of what is going on, and then decide my ways of acting in regard to her.


Questions of my own: I should ask her questions, but I don't want to. I wish she would tell me what she wants to tell me. I seem to talk/write enough without being asked, and it is almost, almost as possible that she has little to talk or write.

This whole thing should be considered with her in mind. Is there anything which I could talk to her about here that would be worthwhile? Not so much actually. If she gets bored, or interested, she could look this over, and then perhaps we'd have some basis for involving conversation, but no, really there is nothing I need to say, or would be helpful to say,

though I do think It would be good for her to know that all this personal conversation has occurred, and the ideas here are like thoughts going through a person's brain, only some of which will be used later, only some resulting in some sort of action or further thought, yet each representing a brain state which was the result of all past experience. I can't wait to escape this place and be back in seattle, only because that is where I go to school, and that is where I live more as I want to, and there are some nicer places to go running, but they could be much better (more unpaved trails for very long runs, no road/city/sidewalk running at all would be cool). And Rebecca will be there, but I don't know what she means to me. I think, like me to her, we mean to the other what we let the other mean, but it is different. I am learning some of her caution, and some reservation of my own. I don't think this is a bad thing, only that we are reserved because that is the most sustainable way to be in this situation. bye. And perhaps even the level of interaction we have shown is a wrong way. It's like we go as far into the cave as we can, still able to see some light from the entryway, to see if we like this kind of travel. If we don't, we can get out without much worry or disaster. To see if we like this kind of travel. I am concerned, Rebecca, that you take care of your physical self, and likewise, I am concerned with myself. That was what that flabbiness talk was about in the earlier writing, It is that I am afraid of a person becoming sort of like my mom, who takes care of others, but not herself so well. This is perhaps a bad thing , an unhappy causing thing to mention, but I do because I am scared to not talk about it. And I am scared because of your idea that we gain 10 pounds for every ten years we live, or something like that. Mostly, it is because I know that mental and physical health cannot exist well without the other.

On the appropriateness of lecturing you, or you me. It is not appropriate to lecture me about furry animals, and yet it is about grades. You were cool about me getting my paper done in the time I took to do it, and I'd like to do the same for your sixth month report. Does mentioning things in this way necessarily cause bad feelings? Maybe it does. But I wanted to change grades wise, not fuzzy animals wise. It is inappropriate to discuss flabbiness with you, or is it? I don't want you to get fat any more than you want me to get fat. I think the only thing I was concerned about was you accepting the idea that you would get fat. That bugged me. Besides that, nothing about flabbiness in regard to you bothers me, I just want to be reassured you don't mind me feeling your belly, because I like to. I am self conscious (or was) about my flabbiness, and I won't be perfectly happy sitting on the edge of your bed until it's gone, but that's life. I don't mind you patting my belly (while I have one). It Is hard to say whether I will lose weight here because I don't like eating the food or I will not because of what I do eat. It seems I mind flabbiness on me. Um, don't worry about your weight, unless it bothers you and you feel unhealthy (as I do) because it doesn't bother me. And if it did bother me, I'm counting on you not caring, although you might in spite of yourself. I guess what scares me is the idea of you accepting the idea of you "changing your weight," or it being "normal" to be able to gain more weight as one gets older. Even as I say this, I realize that you may be right, but I am not sure. Tradition has it, that skinny old people are unhealthy, but I doubt that. Tradition has it that people get fatter as they get older, but this does not happen in everybody, most notably those who take care of their physical selves. Well this is, perhaps, on the whole a stupid thing to talk about, but I am motivated to be unflabby myself, and my mom's lack of care for herself, and my lack of care for myself, and my dad and sisters too, scares me. I guess this sort of stuff is on my mind often, but I don't often talk of it, I just reach down and squeeze a fold of fat on my belly (especially when I'm hungry). You, of course, are fine, and I would probably be bothered if you were more skinny. I do wonder what the effect of this writing will be on your impression of me. I keep returning to it because this (and any sort of lecturing) is so taboo, and a great way to make people unhappy. It is funny that I would dwell on this more than the occasional desire to be injured by a bus, but I suppose that taboo of a male speaking about weight to a female has this effect when one does try to talk about it.

I am not going to work on the mom-colin project, because of what little effect it would have on my future existence, since I see her so rarely, I will only ever have one mom, and she is not too receptive to this sort of discussion because she has so few questions, and many ideas of how things should be. This is not a bad thing, well it is bad in that it means that there is little chance for involved and intimate discussions with her. That's it. Moreover, I'm pretty bad at this sort of discussion, but then, It is only me I have to talk to most of the time.

Ok, that is all for now. I can think about this more after she has reacted to it, or after I have seen her again, if I ever feel like doing this again. See you later, Rebecca, and love.

I'll read this-all through carefully to make sure I say what I'm saying and not something else.

love,
Colin

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