Tue 23 Jul 2002 15:44
what was I-

there are some queries on a web site, having to do with
"encouraging people to dream for better and to make better happen.

    defined as : an individual's experience of vitality and meaning.

a place on lexington between 122nd and 123rd. linoleum floor. possibly smokers. very noisy road. I may be living there.

that kills me.

Yet even though I could live in a times square penthouse, I choose to live there. A bit far from my pool, but still only a half-hour walk.

Might have to peace noisy street, cig smoke, heat.

$45/hr- if you make a lot of money, the world is a different place.

I wish to get myself off this side of the island, and that, over there, is a different country. No cats live there. should sexy veronika choose me, then maybe I shall live there.

she smiles and laughs nervously, and she loves her job as a secretary for a construction co in new jersey a commute which takes two hours.

she's 24.

her job used to be in brooklyn

some people are happy?

have sex, have kids, play handball, eat icecream, kill pigeons,

all these people seem to have it down.

never a more vital place than these.


I however feel tired but I'm typing now.

I laugh nervously with her also, not sure what to do, knowing I have to wait for her & mia's decision, not sure what else to say. and, feeling tired.

drink from the fire hydrant or from the gutter water.


some big, fat, clueless, but cute, blackish woman talking about her personal problems loudly on the crosstown bus. with four kids,

jump rope.

play bingo

is it the heat? am I learning anything from the heat? from myself in the heat.

yuck programming excel. when can I quit that job?

I like the office. maybe the routine.

You know, I just might die someday

(here - again)

not the subway delay.

why was I?


do I want to answer these queries? How will I?

I'm editing my page now. 1614


1700
here's what I have so far: (i'm on the first revision, the numbers after one in the middle are what I've written most recently not the dead stuff at the end) and I'm startin to feel better. perhaps because the sun is getting lower in the sky?

Dreams for self:

    Always seems to be easiest to start here.
   
    1. I want to feel energetic!

    2. I want to love living. intensely.

    3. I want to be intensely engaged in living.

Dreams for society:

    1.  I want there to not be cars.

    2. I want everyone to feel energetic.

    3. I want everyone to love living. intensely.

    4. I want everyone to be intensely engaged in living.

Help I would offer to others:

   for free:

        not sure.

   for pay:

        ???? help me out here.

Help I would want from others if I could have any kind of help I might wish for:

    I would like help in eating healthily.. I would like help in finding a nice place to live. Or in finding a way to not need a place to live. And I'd like help in making there not be cars.

    That's about it. I'm tired. and maybe need to rest some more (I'm dying, and need to rest a lot).


1829
what's a good way to make it easy for newbies to answer queries in such a way that queries can be searched?

I would let people choose from a list of queries, checkboxes, then those queries

the programmer/publisher class-- scoop kuro5hin, slashdot, f'd co., rudy (firsttwins).

then the queries that they choose would each be created as a separate document. Their main edit form would simply be a big form of multiple textareas, one ta corresponding to each document.
when user presses submit, all the multiple documents would be published/submitted for publication.
Their main home would be a doc synthesized from these multiple documents...

toc & picture at top, linking to individual items below.


How should site be queried/searched?/organized?


I think I shall go swimming-- 7 to 815! I've thought enough about this for now, and made some fair progress in fleshing out the concept more.


not sure best way to present help wanted/offered for free/pay ...

how to sort the various content? How to get most popular ?

links, books, services, can all be one big page with link to author's main page.
?


why not ignore the for free/ for pay distinction?


(done, for now)


explain the focus on meaning and vitality?
why the focus on meaning and vitality?

will that change for me?

What is meaning?
what is vitality?


search site by responses to queries?
eg: I want to see all answers to "what is meaning?"


darn, it's thundering. (indoor pool is probably closed for a while).



How can I manage and sort through/allow others to sort through all the stuff people might create?


I like the idea of the site being a place people go to answer queries, & to see others' responses. One could create quite a dense news page from all the user submitted contents (books, links, query responses, help sought, help offered). cool idea.


Would queries ever get foolish/stupid/meaningless?

What of the action component?

organization /mobilization for addressing the help sought?


help sought could let members express their intention to help and how.
on social causes,
on personal causes.



how to sep and org all these indiv responses?

what about replys and comments to people's content? Should probably be enabled across the board.

moderators and selecting content to show on news page (not an issue now, but maybe later).

let's go. (out/swim)

2056
andrea was there! teaching a class,
and an awesome (likely gay) water aerobics teacher who reminded me of frank (monterey), and who played awesome music and who danced around well, wiggling his butt and other body parts.

I think I'll email sexy veronika and tell her I don't want to move over there and leave my pool. I don't know what I mean by sexy, she's very friendly and welcoming (says, "take care," in her emails to strangers). I should say, friendly welcoming veronika. but she also laughs nervously, like a shy schoolgirl.

andrea finally spoke to me. she's older, I'm almost sure.

she's good.

I've had it with this game, I want to play a new one. Where I love what I do and make tons of money which I can spend willy nilly and somehow still avoid paying war tax (or any tax).

I can have an expansive place, and be quite independent, and women who I like, and people who I like can spend time there. Imagine a penthouse, whole floor, empty space, where people who I like can stay and be for a while.

Yeah.

Do I have to wait till I die?

Why can't I go delusional and live in a delusion even as I wander homeless or do not wander in an institution?

I suppose I'll eventually do  miserable job (because I don't care) of asking andrea to do something, g-d another walk, and we'll have fun talking with eachother, and maybe continue doing things.

Watching her and the water aerobics instructor, and hearing the music, I was feeling stupid that I spend all this time moaning about my lack of career or whatever, when here, these people are having a good time doing what they do, and helping others have a good time, and I'm like, "why am I not teaching swimming?"

Uh huh, I'm like that.

But we know I'd get bored hanging out with people who are content.

I need people who are always wishing to get somewhere yet never do, those are my kind of people. That continual (not always there, actually, but basic  background of) angst. To which they can return in times of great need for succor.


So, what next, colin? Fuck! I Have no clue.

do I come back here and work on the ole web site?

Nah.

Do I play the violin. Maybe, but that's not getting me anywhere.

Do I go to social work school?

Do I become a life coach like ellie's social work friend (if you want to make any money you go into administration).

Do I become a nurse?

Do I become a homeless person?

No question.

I become a homeless person. First though, I'd like to get my website where I want it. There is a lot of work to do.

I guess then, the answer is, I work on the ole web site. (If I'm going to be homeless, I want to be able to write, and have people be able to read it, which means I need to finish getting the past online and start getting these more recent entries online--once I finally get the website to the point where I can update it easily with my new stuff and not feel there's any old stuff to get put on it, then I'm set to kick free. Live on the streets (or in the parks, and become a connoiseur of homeless shelters, minimal possessions and work I can do on the road, or without a home).)

Actually, that sounds like what I wish to do.

The idea of living with a woman in a house...

or an apt.

g-d, I'd probably-

no!


Now, colin, why wait till the website is in such and such a shape? Are you chicken, bok, bok bok?

Well, I do want to hang till at least december.

I do want to see what andrea has to tell me.

Maybe valerie also.

Sara, I don't think she has anything to tell me?

Also rebecca.

sex is clearly not my strong point nor my raison d'Ítre. I may be able to continue to be a pretty body for them to look at,
even if I don't have the patience nor the discipline to do the exercises and practice the self restraint necessary to avoid cumming until they finally come--- (you know, you're not as motivated to appreciate the female body in the way it likes to be appreciated, after orgasm (speaking for myself), at least with the energy required to keep her back arching and her sighing), nor do my fingers nor does my tongue have the dexterity, experience, or stamina to (so far) get anyone to her exploding point-- well probably not everyone-).

Well that onetime sara wanted to stop because her arms were falling asleep! (that wasn't me who had had enough got tired out).

to have the hands of cellist,

But you know, I don't really care (obviously I do somewhat, but not enough).And there are other guys who are less good at pleasing than I-
and there is more to it than the physical, I seem o.k. at that part.

why am I going on about this?

the few women I've been with have been fine with how I am. (It's only me wishing I could do better) perhaps.


I'm just rambling.


So, we're back to planning the homeless adventure beginning in December/Jan of 2003.

after getting personal website in order.

who knows about the one for other people (a ton of work which I'm not sure I have the patience to do, but I think it would be a cool thing to see).

Where should I go? to spain?

I'll need to save money. so maybe I won't email veronika telling her I don't want the place. $5,000 at least. (and growing).

I shall go to where I can live the cheapest for the longest. and still plug in my computer, and somehow back up data.?

think so?

would I want an internet connection?

should I go to an US eco village?

a foreign ecovillage?

I could grow my own chickens and catch my own food and other things.

We'll get this figured out.

Some where where I can go and live, catch/grow food, not be bothered with non-survival concerns. Not be bothered with freezing to death. Somewhere where I can swim.

You sure you want that Isolation (not necessarily isolation)?

Well, i've experienced the alternative, and its not getting me anywhere.

my journal entries might be something like: ah, I'm finally doing what I've wished for. I've escaped, and am now living out of doors, gathering mollusks. There are no cars to be found.

If I could live in cold places, that would give me some more cover and more options (montana, elsewhere) though one could get in trouble for eating animals in parks, if one could catch them.

Are you serious?

That one guy thought I was a good worker. I could go back to an ecovillage.

No cars.

(for me at least)

like minded people.

heck, I've lived in NYC, I can go anywhere now.

Tokyo would be a challenge. China too.

Criteria is: good place to swim.

That place in NZ zack was telling me about.

How to immigrate to NZ?

(I haven't bothered with what liz has to tell me)

So that means probably someplace warm


one is going to be in an office or doing sedentary work unless one is involved in the production of one's own food.

december's not far off.

Your complaint about eko villages was that they felt too claustrophobic, personality wise.

(one can always return to NYC, and meet a bunch of women, and then go back, and have them visit).


The health insurance bogey. No shit. Its ridiculous to need to have make that amount of money to pay for maltreatment by clueless members of the rationalized system.

So if cancer or whatever, then die?

It is a choice you can make.

How to cook animals without being noticed/drawing attention? need to go into far wilderness?  

Into the wild? that book sara (is it her? or ?) keeps mentioning.

something really stupid? yet live, at least for a while?

do I really wish to not do any work for anyone but myself?

not sure really.

been a fine way to pass the time.
2209
love,


.