Sat 27 Apr 2002 05:30
My entire being is balanced, vital, and healthy!
yeah!

Itching eyes. Overate last night without ill effects--Nosepicked too much yesterday and some carryover this morning. Eye itching.

There is tons to write about and to consider. Eye itching.

Joanna did call back at 11 or so last evening, and left a message. I was crying (inside) for a while yesterday afternoon thinking I had lost her. Then I got absorbed in what I was doing. Then sara (from the pool) called, and we're going for a stroll this pm at 2:00!(?) Joanna had just been busy. She said thanks for the email (better than that), and that she had not wanted to write back just anything, and had got caught up in her week.


From: Colin Leath
To:jm
Reply-To: cleath@
Subject: try 3
Date: Tue, 23 Apr 2002 19:36:48 +0000
Content- Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"

Joanna,
I just renewed that library book--it's not due till May 16, and can
probably be renewed even longer.

I like to avoid advice-giving, it's not much fun, for some reason
(too risky? too one-sided? someday you'll have advice for me.).

The short of my most recent thoughts were:
Here's a thought experiment I've found helpful:

Imagine, you were your own child, how would you want your child to
be?, What would you want your child to do? What opportunities would
you want your child to have?

Thinking that way gets me to not deprive myself of potentially
enriching experiences, and to be responsible for myself, as if I were
my kid--like get a yearly physical, molecheck, eyecheck, etc.

for you though, I was thinking of something different, because it
seems possible that you could someday be one of those people who says:
Well it took me until my mother/father died, but now I'm finally
living my own life!

another way to think of it: you don't owe your parents anything.
Their decision to conceive you was not selfless--quite the opposite.
Have you ever asked your parents why they decided to have children (I
have: because they thought it was an experience they would value)?

another way: you didn't choose to be here-- they chose for you to be
here--and along with it they chose to take the risk that you would not
live past the age of 3, or that you would stop talking to them after
22--- neither are likely, but certainly possible.

but I don't want to dilute the "think of yourself as your own child"
concept with what could be perceived as negativity!

for fun, or more craziness, below are some of the journal entries
from before/after your phone call, and after your visit.

I doubt you'll accept my perspectives, but possibly considering them
could be useful.

<3
Colin

2002-04-20-2032
2002-04-21-2311
---- On Mon, 22 Apr 2002, Joanna wrote:

> Advice is always good.:)
> Thanks again for conversing and listening yesterday. I am glad I stopped
>
> by...and yes tonight I will definitely get more sleep.
> Take care,
> Joanna
>
>

---------
I've pasted it here because I, yet again, tended to think the worst of silence, instead of being patient. I thought rebecca had prepared me for interaction with busy people, but with asia I'm learning to take the practice of relationship patience to new levels.

The ultimate patience is contentment with no relationship?

I am aware that she has acted in ways I would not act out of respect for another, and that for that reason, it is not inappropriate in my mind to call her inconsiderate (suggesting I might see her then turning out not to be free, twice; not returning calls as quickly as I might). On the other hand, there have been times when she has thought of me more often than I might have hoped for (calling at odd times to celebrate something, calling to see if I was free, to invite me along to something).

There is much potential for good experience with her if I do not get caught up about perceiving her as committing crimes of inaction.

I don't think the above is the best treatment of my asia situation, but consider it a shadow of what could possibly be expressed more clearly had I the interest to do so.

Other topics (topix) held over from yesterday:
o relationship with computers
    o organizing computer
    o oses
    o detritus
    o patience
    o learning
o relationship with carmen
o relationship with practice
o thoughts about future
o goals for future
o compsci; approach to.
o contemplating seeing sara.

from early yesterday morning on the subway with carmen (copied from small notepad):
Simple presence of another person imposes such conformity-
What might have been an active joy and excitement is turned into a silence.
--I would have danced more, relished the sailboat & wind more,
watched the performance on the rink more
and? very interesting -
because she is reading, I read? Whereas I might have sat in my usual reverie.
Watership down [a rider was reading this]
--
A kind of listening--
-
So passive - has it allus been this way?
From the beginning-
---
That dream? [a dream I told carmen about that I had had with her in it (monday am?) in which we were doing a performance together in which she was the lead artist and had the most control and decided to cancel, though I was hoping the performance would go on in spite of difficulties.]
-
Me like a kid,
her like a master-
I interrupt her,
she never interrupts me -
--
I'd like some coffee- [said carmen]
laugh [colin laughs in the same way he does when rebecca said "I love you" when saying good by--a nervous uncertain laugh? a reflexive laugh? what is the laugh saying, what is its effect?]
her walk
slow &
silent -
I will practice listening to her?
--
see what
she says. [into /if given silence]

watch myself in relation to her.
"you remind me of a cat"
    w/ a little tongue. [I said to her when she made the expression signifying, "I'm too hot!"]
a reprogramming of my interaction & what's appropriate? a conscious observing of the source of action.
as long as she will continue.
She is now my only regularly seen non-work person- non apt person - there is she & hal & william, joe, anne , peter.
Swimming was slow.
--should just be typing on laptop?
--felt for a while like should be taking dance this eve--
until play at end of swim & dance & sing - baybe baby
Talk with Todd Re sleep & python [sleeping little, his preference for]
-That is all- love.
-----
I felt like saying-
Carmen- I feel that the romance has gone out of our relationship.

hypocrisy of my use of public ed?

another topic:
o learning ideal -- roger schank

off to swim 0619

2002-04-27-1009
I failed miserably at installing a non-microsoft os on this machine. Actually, there is a copy of RH linux 7 on this machine, but I'm unsure how to boot it. The install said loadlin would default to linux--. My hypothesis is it's failing to boot linux, and so booting to win2k--. Thankfully it is still usable, and I can keep working on zope/web site if I like.

after being reminded of my previous experience with RH, I decided to give openbsd network install a go-- something I'd perhaps tried before. Heartened to see it operating my NIC, I spent an hour or so trying to determine how to specify where I wanted it to put itself on the hard drive. I also made a copy of all the files I might want access to if I did succeed in getting one ofthe *nices installed on a separate fat32 partition, because it is an extra step (at least) to get the *nices to be able to access the NTFS file system.

It's easy to install these other OSes if you want them to be the only bootable ones on the box.

I think my next approach will be to get possibly several other pcmcia nics that should work with OpenBSD and do an FTP install of that os.
OpenBSD3.1 should be out in mid may- perhaps that could make my current nic work. my current nic does have problems in windows as well--there probably was a reason it was on clearance.

I might also have to do a better job of understanding hard disk issues, since opend bsd's fdisk program is a bit of an intelligence test. If I could be sure the nic would work for me on openbsd, I might just ditch win2k (or do a new install with it-where it might be easier to boot OBSD), but I will still have to find a way of booting it.

Patience is involved, but if one believes it is worth it. Working with one's computer is for many people something of a spiritual experience.

It takes practice to be able to work with these difficulties non-compulsively, lovingly, in a healthy way.

eyes itching

considering not shaving face any more. face hair same length as head hair, or longer.

My entire being is balanced, vital, and healthy.

written on notepad while at laundrymat:
most relevant knowledge easily available
all ease

sick of head-banging & not knowing

Well done projects (openbsd)[theo, by the way, is an example of someone who expresses that hardness, impatience, unkindness. Mr. Curran]

projects of care.

[eyes itching]

The Quality of the past as more peaceful, more time w/ nature-
certain pasts

Periods of the mind -
    seeking new info
    quietness
    new experiences
opportunities for processing can be lost

Doc systems
computer systems good enough to give us what we want.

interfaces
discovery.

dealing w/ inform overload
multitude of choices,
infinite possibilities
borders destroyed.

Directing the self through the possibilities
My discipline [software?] v. Wilber's discipline.
There is value for that awareness/understanding. [deep software]
When nosepicking not an issue
AI approach - - pos focus- not prb focus.

Like now

The way things are done are not the way they can continue to be done.
There is a better way.


-----

some of the thinking there was:
I should be envisioning the way I want things to be, not how they are with respect to my contemplation of the practice of software. Influenced by Schank, and others' thoughts on education, and my own prejudices.

The best of the best should be everywhere available and easily accessible.
Learning is goal oriented. Success at learning is demonstrated by ability to do or make happen.

Those who were finding fault in the educational system had done the conventional thing to get the success they now enjoyed: went through the traditional, flawed academic system. They themselves are now (in many cases) a part of it, a support of the status quo, while they talk of change their example discourages it.

I talk of change. Now being aware of unschooling, aware of Schank and friends' ideas, I should be able to design my educational experience (1) so it is better than what I could get at CUNY (or even Columbia), and (2) significantly cheaper. $1000 can buy a lot of books. Many books I can get through ILL from work (SUNY library system).

An issue is demonstrating competence. But with software, that should not be difficult. I can work my way through material, related to a goal I have, and develop projects centered around that goal.

The main issue for me will be finding the best material, and creating a learning system that could be more efficient than working with a professor.

I imagine creating my own curriculum, then creating software like Schank's engines of learning (or was it education?), that would represent the agent I would have like to have encountered when I wanted to learn about a problem/issue/subject.

This question is also an issue in the open source documentation projects. What is the best way to document a project, a body of knowledge, a piece of software, so that other humans can quickly and easily learn to interface with it to most quickly achieve their purposes.

Joanna made the point that one cannot learn to be a surgeon from books. I was going to say that was a valid point, but then I realized, _it no longer is_. Surgeons use robots, surgeons learn from simulations. These are not books, yet they are in fact books in that one can learn from them without being dependent on another person's presence or schedule.

So, I'm imagining an era when (no doubt this has already been imagined) physical college systems no longer exist (to the degree they do now):
(1) Degrees are devalued, (as they are now--to those who have experience with those with degrees)--those with degrees have made certain achievements, but with the most notable effect of perpetuating a system of questionable value. It is a system of value, but it can now be replaced/evolve to a better system. Like the class system/feudal era of midieval epoch.
(2) Competence is demonstrated by portfolio and past performance, past creation.
(3) Learning is undertaken by asking a question of an agent, and by constructing new agents. Learning and sharing learning can both be expressed by the creation and expansion of agents.
(4)

conformism.
on the ILS's [see schank] site there was a picture of adult, child, computer, in a room of computers and children. I felt an aversion to that scene. Phil Sharper, who I know from the pool, is a teacher of the old sort.

I don't think my reader will disagree that I have a somewhat unique approach to relationships.

physical teachers teach many things other than their subjects--good and bad sides.

enthusiasm can be expressed and felt through any well created project.

as I have said before, I am living (work wise) or rather have lived, off another's motivation.

One must take one's effort seriously.

evaluation and demonstration of effectiveness.

The zeitgeist, the spirit, that that is becoming.
I believe it is clear that there cannot be a bottleneck on expert knowledge and the sharing thereof. Every mind should be able to access the best.

To some degree this is already the case. Has long been the case. The issue now is of time. We all have access to some of the best older minds. Fewer have access to best of current minds.

This has also to do with cataloging and making accessible of knowledge systems.

google is playing with for-pay human agents for answering questions. That cannot be the final solution. People have better things to do than answer others' questions?

Answer their own. If they don't have any, get some.

Schank, Schank, Schank.

reading books can be inefficient.

how decisions are made. decision support systems.


.