Sat 06 Dec 2003 05:30
now i'm writing on a mac os 10.2 using vi in a terminal window and
dvorak layout. The window has a black background with light-colored
text. I'm having to relearn dvorak a bit, since in my travels I
reverted to a fast typing speed in qwerty. A fascinating process. Dvorak is notably easier and more comfortable, even as I
stumble with it now.
I'm eating frozen healthnut and rye bagles. Having the black background
and white text makes writing so much more pleasant. I would turn off
the other bright things on the screen (e.g. scrollbar), if I knew how.
And the dvorak layout makes typing more pleasant for my still typing-recovering wrist and hands. The inutility of
the keyboard lettering negatively reinforces glances at the keyboard,
fixing my stare at the white, glowing letters, and the sensation of
typing here more closely approximates being able to think my words on to the screen.
What a horror that might be. But we have already seen the effects of
that in my pre-carpal tunnel days. This is a writing for experienceart!
0610 The pool opens at 0730 this morning. I do not have long. I woke up
from a dream with tracy and earthaven. And it was time to write. Some
more computer configuration had to be done, but I am here now. I've
been pondering the approach of how to write about what I've learned since april 7, and about my dreams for the
future and for the next four months and beyond.
0637 eating soaked buckwheat, oat groats, sunflower, unhulled sesame,
yard-picked orange
0646 bye for now. I do need to sit and write the thing I'm working on,
I'll progress quicker on that now that this is set up.
1116 my goal this time is to find a way of writing this document that
will make it easier the next time. Establish a structure.
1. It is easiest to start with present concerns and then work back?
2. purpose is to be somewhat like ITP-style affirmations.
useful topics for organizing writing:
o physical health (incl. diet)
o connection with nature, and development of related skills
- relationship with non-human life (animals, plants,
natural physical features of planet)
o satisfaction with where I've been and where I think I'm going.
- relationship with my past and my future.
- means of continued existence.
o prospects for continued growth (life-changing challenges)
o experience of community
o quality of relationships with others
- mutual
- one way (e.g., reading, listening, viewing composed
works)
o quality of relationship with self.
o relationship with technology
- relationship with money
- language
- thought
o relationship with the culture that I live in.
o relationship with cultures other than the one I operate within.
- communities of other times and places (planetary and all-times
villager)
o useful practices (incl. thought tools, prayers, concept of
awareness)
that is quite a list.
should I give it a go or is there a better way. Are these the points
around which I wish to focus my thoughts? Is this the most useful
structure to make the best use of this practice and this medium?
Arbitrary, overlap. elegance. engagement. What is most
important? bad question? The goal is a life engaged in living &
loving. not a life spent dying, hating. Meaning, though, works with the
tragic? Visualise life engaged in living & loving: health, no cars,
people I love to be with and who love to be with me, inspiring nature, challenge and reward found in serving the others,
working with nature, technology, developing relationships with
practices/cultural artifacts (e.g. playing violin), awareness and
beauty of effects of actions.
that is general... in actuality? colored in with detail? that is what
life is. The questions of the structure are meant to expand/maintain
awareness to areas rewarding to focus on that may be neglected.
1258 I've been messing around trying to get vim. I should make a
right-colored epoz window.
1326 wondering if relationship isn't the best.
Colin's Quarterly update #2
I'm developing a document structure I hope to be able to re-use. There
are relationships with concepts that I use to help me consider what
happened in the past and to think about what I wish for the future. The
following is a list of the "relationships with" that I consider with links to that section of the document.
Contents
o list of relationships and reason for inclusion
o relationship with self
Relationship with self
This is the touchstone. All others are supporting roles. The
basic message of Goldsmith's _Infinite Way_ is that the desired
experience is not found in the world, but in the self... Damn I'm
skeptical of that formulation
Whatever the structure I use it should be simple. The relationship bit
isn't going to do it?
My relationship with myself??
Is not where I want it to be.
At this moment I'm not sitting in good posture. Changed.
I'm not smiling. Changed, but will I keep it up? My eyes aren't smiling
though. It is a sad smile.
Fitness-- not where I want it to be. I need to spend time running I
believe. Though, in Merton, _Seven Storey Mountain_, the bit I read, he
contemplates not being attached to the body... as in Goldsmith's _The
infinite way_ (the bit I read), the physical
body is of this material world. Well, let them ponder that, I would
like to be bouncier on my feet, and time running and dancing helps
that. I would like new shoes before I start running though... and I
avoid buying new shoes. So I'm not as bouncy, perky, as I would like.
My future is uncertain as well, but I'm optimistic because of some new
"thought technology" I may be applying in everyday life. Even if god
forbid I end up working fulltime in an office building to pay for what
I wish to pay for in Monterey, where I am planning to go. There is a monastery I visited, but I do not feel like
going there, even though I daydreamed something like it months ago.
Definitely feeling hate a lot for a lot of things... but recently may
have a new approach.
Eating-- I do think I should eat less, but I do think my diet situation
has much improved. (details later?)
Other things with respect to relationship with self? Good things?
I felt I was in a rut in NYC, and set out to get out of it. I lived for
four + months with very little posessions and sleeping outside quite a
lot. I followed, pursued, tested, some ideals based on
anarchoprimitivist/neoprimitive thought. In the process,
I learned that I value certain aspects of civilization--shelter for
one, which I had hoped to be able to migrate so as to be able to do
without shelter of the permanent physical structure variety. I
practiced being away from swimming pools and weight rooms and dance studios, and also electric toothbrushes and waterpicks. At
present, I am living in a building, swimming in a pool, lifting
weights, and valuing all of it.
At the same time I read of a trip with frank cook that I missed that
started at wildroots in North Carolina... as well as a primitive skills
gathering also mentioned in the last updates from wildroots.
At the same time, I accomplished a basic objective of being someplace
warm. This morning I swam in an outdoor pool for over an hour, and did
my exercises (ITP) outside in shorts in bare feet. Last I heard
1421... messing with fink and getting vim-nox ...
Last I heard there was a big snowstorm in the east 1425 cheking
nyc and washington papers.
So yeah. I got in some adventures. Ate some wild food. Got into Mexico
on a bike and toured there. Spent some time on an ecovillage. Learned a
new way of eating/cooking. Visited a monastery that was a manifestation
of what I had imagined. And met a guy there (the founder) who had had all the same thoughts that I had (re:
nomad, living off land), and moved on to start the monastery.
And now I'm planning to Go Back To civilization. I'm running away from
the monastery I envisioned, because I wish to be back in Monterey. I
may only live in monterey and NYC from now on.
I definitely qualify as someone who has explored his ideas and
philosophies through action, and learned because of it, but that
doesn't mean I have a good relationship with myself. Saying I'm not
happy is not quite right.
My prognosis (1447 sudo apt-get install vim-nox did not work. Maybe
after a 100mb update from apple? 1456-- trying a source compilation...
will need developer tools too. How easy to while the time this way) is,
if I can focus on what is important... and not while all my time on the computer... As if something was important.
I read an essay by Andrew Rooney that included a sentence like, "I
suspect that people who don't like their jobs wouldn't like their job
whatever it was." I also was reading _The initiate_ by Cyril Scott,
which is written from the premise that our awareness never really dies. I read a recent reader's digest which had an
article on life after death and more evidence related to near death
experiences.
I don't concern myself with the answer to the question. But I am
interested in "thought tools" that may help me with my present life.
Upon these readings, I sat up and thought "What if I had to deal with
myself forever??" and "Holy hell..." I had been operating on the premise that no matter how bad things got, there was
death to look forward to (and meaning in life is having something to
look forward to), and that no matter how bad things got (outside of
physical degeneration and pain) suicide did not have much point because, though I may have to wait a while, I would be
dying anyways.
To operate on the premise that (1545 more messing-- must go to apple
dev site to get compiler) I will have to deal with myself forever
causes me to consider how I might be able to enjoy dealing with myself
forever.
I'm quite distracted as I write..
And pondering on that, I realize how much I experience hate for many
things.
And from another book I read (maybe _damian_ by Herman Hesse) I got to
thinking of the technique of visualising/imagining things how I wish
they were.
An example is walking past barking dogs. A reflex I developed was to
emanate hate... Instead I look at the dogs and imagine them as I wish
they were. Usually that is imagining them laying peacefully and gnawing
on a bone. I've only just started working with this. You will notice that I did it earlier in this document where I
imagined that I was sitting with good posture and smiling... and in
this case I did change that.
Perhaps I should now be visualising myself as focusing and progressing
on this and not continuing to try to get vim installed! So I may...
Pico is installed I find and that will work. I wanted to split the
window. How foolish. I could work through the web...
I think that is about it for relationship with self. What is next?
I need to start over.
Colin's quarterly update #2
(1613 now in Pico!)
Summary
Since the last update, I bicycled to Earthaven Ecovillage along the
Blue Ridge Parkway. I spent a month and a half at Earthaven, where I
did work exchange for Rod and Kimchi Rylander. I also attended the
Permaculture Gathering where I met herbalist Frank Cook. Walking with
Frank to an Herb School in Madison County and walking back alone was
one of the highlights of my time at Earthaven. From Earthaven, I cycled
to The Farm, near Summertown, Tennessee. I stayed at the Ecovillage
Training Center for a few nights and met Dana. I was absorbed in some
writing and did not explore the place as I might have. I then cycled
down the Natchez Trace, and made my way to New Orleans. In Louisiana, I
learned a bit about the Cajuns (Acadians), who for years made a living
in and from the swamps. I bicycled on, stopping for a few nights in
That all is not the point....
Colin's quarterly update #2
Current Location: San Diego
Proposed Location for the next four months: Monterey
Goal for the next four months:
(1643 back in VI)
o Practice being content in civilization, even if that means
working in an office, while at the same time continuing to build on
experiences I know I value, such as: dance, music, spending time with
nature (gardening, practicing primitive skills). The general goal is to
develop a way of living I would be content to continue forever. The new
thing I bring to this is that I no longer think "the world is wrong and
I am right." I realize that my own ignorance of ways of living happily
is a significant cause of any dissatisfaction that I experience. I am
also aware of more of the shortcomings of ideas of lifeways I developed
as preferable alternatives to the mainstream possibilities I was aware
of. I imagine that my long-term satisfaction will be met with some
combination of work in civilization and economadic/neoprimitive travels
in areas free of pavement.
- commentary on goal: That basic goal was an unwritten one for
much of my time in NYC. I left, in part, because I thought I was
selling myself short in my attempt to be comfortable with the way
things were. I also left because I wasn't comfortable with cold winters
and other aspects of NYC living. This raises the question of why I left
Monterey in May of 2001. I left because things were easy there, but I
did not like my job. I wanted a change but was not sure where to go.
Conceivably I will leave Monterey yet again after I return this time.
1708 Oh, me...
The situation: there are people I care about on an email list... I am
going to send them one email. And not another until four months from
now. What do I say. Forget about what you might learn from it, or what
example you might provide...
I would want them to know about Earthaven. About Frank Cook and
Wildroots. About Sally Fallon. About the monastery. About what next.
The simplest thing to do is to summarize the main points and to include
links to the more detailed writing.
I think I've had enough of this for today... I'm being a hermit and not
helping out the grandparents because I can... currently slouching and
not smiling so much but I don't feel bad. Maybe I'll read some books.
1715 I don't have to write anything to the list at all.. of course.
.