Wed 29 May 2002 12:34
I'm not focusing on my work issues. It is soo boring. I am so bored with it.
I would rather be... playing the violin in the subway? Counseling people? Social work? ...
2002-05-29-2331
madness.
something I choose not to contemplate, but as a social object becomes focus of conversation?
worlds which exist, that I choose to ignore.
not relevant to my problems though we live together.
worlds intersect, but I have my head in this other one.
Fascinating to hear Joanna's tales.
Incomprehensible.
That
there is a reason I rail so -
is it her self-hatred? self-species hatred?
that she is the way she is, preserved, a fossil, continuing to act and
to effect, even to change, but in a way that is so wrong, so
misinformed, so preyed to superstition.
yet obviously, taking her as a hypothesis [howard bloom], is valid. She
has not suicided, and probably will not. [degree of valid by amount of
connections made... consider]
Joanna sees she is something to me, something I am afraid of being? Something I am afraid I already am--
She and I do have something in common. I am vehement how I am not her.
Draw in ink. a sign left over from the gimp floating on my screen.
2345
it is late.
I may have split a tooth?
I did not practice the violin
but/and was so excited to be able to see Joanna again.
sara is a distant memory. I did not thank her for Friday, as I have done, by Joanna's example in the past.
And why?
I don't thank Joanna any more?
not true.
?
I do when I have a love I need to express.
Sara is still ghost like?
Joanna is substantive. Her atmosphere is not one I would marry?
but she has a self.
the most sara gave me was that tuesday? afternoon? "I'm babbling"
I don't believe in the self, but I believe others have selves?
me: making something out of nothing. Making a story while there was none.
So excited to see Joanna?
So cool before sara?
no.
sara's only risk was the kiss?
Joanna [and her wave, and her calling...] exuded risk from the start?
schank's stories, which we tell to others/others get to tell them, and we react to their reactions
I'm just up late letting mind wander while eating rice and pepitas (pumpkin seeds?)
Howard, a talkative retiree "love is all" "we are not separate, you and
I" I'm 9 years old. I'm 71. I can't talk to adults much. His eyes, he's
got the lidded pilar eye-movement going on. "I'm lazy."
"I'm not perfect; you're not perfect."
"You can't say that!" (I jump) fun, some old guy, strikes up a conv.
with me sitting on the bench as I wait for hours [reading schank],
after dancing, h-standing spinning, with "I don't read books anymore;
attention is different than concentration."
...
"Well, you can, but it's meaningless."
tell me something I haven't heard before old man.
he had a cat. he sobbed when it died. I learned a lot from her.
He did jury testing? on legal issues for $100/hr?
He dresses casually in jeans, but perfectly. he was in personnel then retail sales. He smokes and knows it's stupid.
strange bumps on my head.
children's story books.
Sara?
Sara?
El Enano SaltarĖn
tomorrow, violin, web site, sara message.
0013
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