Sat 15 Jun 2002 03:02
almost entirely finished with processing of images of old docs scanned in for site.

0411 the issue with Hal and shrinks (tom's wife) discussed.. my hang-ups.-

lacrimosa
bach tocatta and fugue in d minor
kraftwerk electric cafe
dissapated eight nightswimming
tool- hitler chant


.

Fri 14 Jun 2002 19:04
Now again, a lot of empty time. Not sure what do do with it. Could be anything, out maybe at 8. should get 20lb weights and stretch cords (to help not wear out shoulders from swimming).

Will probably keep working on web site.

I guess when people have a house a wife a job some kids, they are happy with the way things are? But before then they're not?

The gay people?

The people with the ugly masks?

and the others.
.

Thu 13 Jun 2002 09:11
Carlos Acosta

2002-06-13-1731
reading alice miller's _the truth will set you free_ 2000

talking with hal about her as well.

supposing my wretched humour is-

supposing my behavior is self destructive because I have internalized and valued violence toward myself

supposing I even perpetrate this violence on others. though it would be most evident if I had children.

what of my behavior could be considered self-destructive?

If I did not have this self-destructive bent, what would I do instead of be poe-esque?

what does it take to be a school psychologist?/school counselor?

what do people do who do not have self-destructive behaviors?


p191 Jesus grew into a strong, aware, empathetic, and wise person able to experience and sustain strong emotions without being engulfed by them.

His parents saw themselves as his servants, and it would never have occurred to them to lay a finger on him.

p192 Two thousand years after Christ, we can in fact say that his teachings have yet to find their way into the church.

p192 We have no need of docile children brainwashed by their upbringing to be ideal targets of seduction by terrorists and lunatic ideologists, ready to fall in with their commands even to the extent of killing others. Children given the respect they deserve from their earliest years will go through life with open eyes and ears, prepared to fight injustice, stupidity, and ignorance with arguments and constructive action. Jesus did this at the age of twelve, and the scene in the temple (Luke 2:41-52) demonstrates eloquently that, if need be, he could refuse the obedience his parents asked of him without hurting their feelings.

p193
None of us were carried by our mothers as the child of God; for far too many parents children are merely a burden.

They did not demand docility from their son.

Power is something we only need in order to spread lies and hypocrisy, to mouth empty words and pretend they are true.


well-informed experts (like FrÈdÈric Leboyer, Michel Odent, Bessel van der Kolk)

p194 the primeval commandment of ignorance and the abundance of information we now have on the destructive effect of emotional blindness, of insensitivity to the suffering of children.

Buoyed by the experience of genuine love and affection in their childhood, they will unerringly identify the injustice of the Creation story and take advantage of the current opportunities for communication (Internet, television, travel) to disseminate what they know.

they will arouse the curiosity of others and support them in the joy of discovery of new knowledge.

truly adult human beings.

nospank.org
alice-miller.com

1927
another splendid day of fine atmosphere, provoking contemplation, marred only by some overeating, some tiredness, dentist question, encroaching knee issue(?),

less than perfect violin playing

fine atmosphere, provoking thoughts. lo

Now, should I ponder what great things to do with myself? What adventures to pursue? The effect of past & present violence on my behavior?

would I actually wish to have a girl-friend?

would I want to stay here and study social work?

I don't want entrapment (not by a person--by a way of supporting oneself) because my dad moved the family because of his job?

I want to be free to wander endlessly. Those silent foggy days, walking, alone, everyone snug in their houses, warm glow from windows.

And I'm not entrapped. I have the love of women that does not involve being entrapped--mollie--rebecca even, perhaps my new friends also-

and so, I shall wander?

the violence of my childhood: "No one will ever want to live with you..."[?]

earlier?

mom: hair pulling--
dad: arm squeezing, and perhaps arm punching? Lectures with the above phrase...
mom: taunting-
me: joy of terrorizing sisters
mom: sisters vs. me


Why are people motivated to achieve? Why are people motivated to make money?To have homes? To have families? Why am I not? (or if I am, not strongly?)

How can people accept a government which takes their money to do violence?
How can people be a part of these systems in which violence is endemic/systemic. How can people spend so much to confine themselves indoors? Not composting their waste? Not growing food? And I confine myself indoors, not composting waste, not growing food, but sprouts.

Why are not all Quakers war tax resisters?

So after this job, should I be a homeless person, or some kind of pilgrim (like peace?)

Or?

Yeah, I can ask my parents for a report on the violence they did to their children, and they'd probably do a decent job of it. They're reasonably un-repressed now.

Do I want a house in the woods with a rose-garden and grandchildren?

I once imagined a library in the woods...

A house in the a stone house in the woods with a rose-garden and grandchildren does sound nice... meaningful even.

That's enough thinking for this evening. I think it's web-site time. No new ideas, no burning passions on this front.

The easily contented are not driven? There aren't any stone houses in the woods in manhattan (or hardly any). Yeah, I don't drive. Haven't driven since 1995- seven years ago now.


What do I forgo, with such passivity?

the gold cyanide retirement plan.

why am I not finding meaning in life by being an activist for non-violent raising of children? or some other injustice? or by helping the kids whose way of life, eating, and lack of exercise is already killing them?


What is my game plan? Will I ever have one? I should go back months? "You have this time,
do whatever, see what you do, don't force a plan on it. Sit and listen to your self."


"have interesting experience and write about it."

So, fine,
and sara shall have her stone house in the woods, rose garden, and grandchildren with someone who is not-me.

yet, still with me.

bard.

as a teacher, what do I have to teach? What shall I teach?

the void is giving void

2111
anne got a bam (brooklyn academy of music) picture brochure.
why am I not a connoisseur of profound, new dance?
the same reason I do not take drugs?
my life is interesting enough already? I don't need any more on my hands?

2002-06-14-1733
mild depression, but playing. earlier nice and love. The hal mistake (re saturday)? the noisy 56? The dad letter? and violence question, without appreciation?
but playing.

the joanna no call?

holy moley!
1753
rebecca just called and she's coming to visit!! I'm so happy I had my phone on... only after writing that last bit. She'll be here tomorrow at about 12:00! A blast from the past... How long has it been since I saw her? Last in 1998?

Why do the people in china town seem to get everything cheaper than people in other parts of town? (chinatown bus) Peterpan had to lower their prices because of chinatown bus competition.

Now we just need kyle to kall up and..
lisa wimberley
mollie should be here in september
caroline benner
christine ennis (I never knew her)
carrie messenheimer (I did not love her like she loved me)
jody brower(?) is that last name right?
becky skiver
tara ???? smith?
jocyln potts
liv nordin
sara betts
karen dunlap (I did not love her like she loved me)
cara ???(brief, after rbec)

so happy my new cell phone billing cycle started today!!!

Rebecca!!!!

"I love you."
no laugh this time. [her a bit, but not nervous like mine was, she sounds good, deep, strong, confident.]

_Get rid of him_ book for her?
why for all of them?
they need to know when to get rid of me (or others), and so I know they will (be more likely to) get rid of me when I'm no longer good for them.

her old boyfriend has been grumpy.

What might I be getting into.

It's tough being retired earlier than many of one's friends (mollie knows).


hard to fathom this-1818

.