Mon 20 May 1996 10:41
Subject: testlove
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Mon 20 May 1996 10:30
Date: Monday about 10:30 
page no longer passworded. Look at the time on the next message  
only in the lab until 12:00, so I'm not sure how that happened. And I forgot David.
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Mon 20 May 1996 00:02
Subject: how did this happen 
 
well that last message seems lost somewhere, maybe you got it, I didn't, so it's not on the page, so maybe my mail processing doesn't work. . 
 
I can see I'll get sick of the word 'love' or I can be creative 
 
I don't know what went wrong, let me know if you don't get the one about 
audiences. 
 
It will be a little tough to do this so long after conception, but. . 
 
(yes I have a lot of time now, I'm not taking classes until June 16 or so) 
 
I have been trying to figure out what overall purpose there is to living, every where I go, I cannot do anything but wonder why people do what they do, unless I am loving doing it to. Why is that guy walking down the 
street, pierced nipple, shirt open, tatto, or why is a man in a business suit working so hard. 
 
I have been thinking life is to be with some person to be in love with them who love you, but where does that go? 
 
It seems no matter what you think of, it has been thought of before, done before, even this, probably. I was thinking of starting a talking club a 
while ago that would meet every day, just for people to talk to eachother, but I was not sure how to do it. 
 
Then in that article in the our school paper, secular humanists were mentioned, the idea of 'free thinkers' and I looked them up this morning after finally hearing from the Secular Dimensions club leader 
 
--intermission- 
 
XXIII. The Lost Thought. 
 
I felt a clearing in my mind 
As if my brain had split; 
I tried to match it, seam by seam,  
But could not make them fit. 
 
The thought behind I strove to join 
Unto the thought before, 
But sequence ravelled out of reach 
Like balls upon a floor. 
 
(emily dickinson) 
 
people probably already meet and try to determine what they will do with themselves without a religion to tell them what to do and there are a 
large number of groups. 
 
I will maybe be a part of that group and for sure, I think, the Hillel, because I love the people there, I love how they celebrate their religion, their religion though can keep them from being open to anything any question. The rabbi though, is not that way, and that is beautiful. Have you been to a hare krisha service? The singing is there, but I think the Jewish way is better, come one friday. I'm thinking of taking 15cr of hebrew this summer. 
 
I was thinking how sad it would be to live only for people, as a Humanist, not knowing there was any end or any purpose. I am thinking I only matter to the extent that I matter to another person, and then I am afraid I 
become to concerned in' preserving what I have created, and what would my life mean, if I painted the best painting and it was lost. It has happend before, but still, I live with other people, and can care for them; without constantly worrying that my work still make a contribution after I am dead. 
 
And so I have lived a life, and I am old, and what do I do then. I am going to die, I am going to leave all I know, and possibly cease to exist, or, the energy concentrated in my human form dissapates, and returns to the energy of the whole earth and universe. 
 
Like in the Celestine Prophecy, the guy is trying to make his energy bubble connect with the energy bubble of the world, he has, to work really 
hard, and when we die, it happens anyways. 
 
But still I have no answer, nothing to reassure you, no one knows, you may have faith, you may believe, but not everyone (can anyone really?) can believe in something they have no proof of. You can never know anything, so why should you ever be able to believe anything. I am trying to live a life of feeling only, and not deal with belief, because that makes me feel false to myself. 
 
Just to be annoying (I actually have this one by heart,) : 
Faith is a fine invention 
when gentlemen can see 
but microscopes are prudent 
in an emergency 
 
E.D. 
 
So, I will resign myself to that sadness (that I feel in most everyone, not becca yet, but I hardly know her) of not knowing, and say I will live only for feeling and only for other people. 
 
I had no clue, 
 
I imagined myself alone, the only person on earth, and life has no meaning. 
 
If I were really alone, I would never have seen another person, I would spend my whole life trying to survive, if I could, being a baby with no mom around, but they have, in the past. I would really be an animal. 
 
I ask myself, what point is there in living for people, where are we going, what are we doing that is any different, any better than what has already been done? A lot, I think now, but really, times change, but were the old times really any better, are the new times really any worse? 
 
 
I don't think that's valid. 
 
 
I imagine early people who learn the basics of survival, learn to talk to each other, then learn to write. 
 
Once they are able to survive, they start to think and ask why, like this. 
Then the printing press. ...etc. 
 
People are more and more able to communicate their Ideas with eachother. 
This could never have happend if I lived earlier. 
 
Have you read neuromancer? Read it. The guy is able to plug a plug into his mind, and feel everything but the thoughts of another person his sensory input comes all from her. This was written in 1984, I think, william gibson? 
Mr Gates was imagining when everything we say for a lifetime can be 
recorded. 
 
We can almost already dictate to our computers. 
 
I am going to get a laptop, so I can write as the thoughts come (we'll see what happens if I do) , instead of coming to the lab. 
 
Or I can write down on paper, which I then have to type or scan in, and I am not about to spend all that time in the past anymore. Do you know what an amanuensis is? Want to be mine? there's a lot of wierd stuff on white paper (not really much good, so it wouldn't be such a big job) I'll be yours. . 
 
More and more now, or maybe always, In my free time, when I am not just wondering what is going on here, I imagine what I am going to say to a person, in this case write. 
 
Someday, telepathy will be made possible by science (though I have decided to not do my part to help science along), or something close to it, becuase of the of the ease with which we can share our thoughts. 
 
You can tune out and feel as I feel (not so bad right now, I'll save you the rest of the description) 
 
Or I can send you a thought message, as I think it, complete with visual and physical setting (the only thing you miss in my past, and possibly you can live that too), to your inbox, and when you have some free time, you can plug in, and experience my thoughts as I had them, (and I, yours if you ever think of me). 
 
Of course it can be used for a lot of vicarious (how appropriate) things, but do you want to try, sorry, fucking a dog? Sure you can without actually doing it. 
 
Would I be doing this if I lived in a small town and did not know I was free from prosecution (persecution works too which one do you think?), I have an anonymity here. 
 
The less people think things they do, talking to yourself for example, masturbation, uh, etc are abnormal, the more they realize that they are like another, the more they can... 
 
I don't know what the result of all this is 
 
I am just thinking of when I really love a person I want to know how they came to be the way they are, I want to share their mind, to live through all their experiences, or at least I say I do, I don't really know. 
 
I wonder what it's like to be you and if you decide to share yourself 
 
you can. 
 
where does this go? 
 
We visited the cemetary for the intro to judaism class I'm taking at hillel. Learning about the Jewish rituals for different parts of life. 
 
There were pictures of some of the Ashkenazic (yeah, sp) no, it's sephardic 
 
Se.phar.di(n,)<><pl >Se.phar.dim >\->(1851)<s~?><sA?> 
a member of the occidental branch of European Jews settling in 
Spain and Portugal and later in Greece, the Levant, England, the 
Netherlands, and the Americas; also: one of their descendants 
--Se.phar.dic <adj 
 
Jews on their grave stones, 
so we got to see the people we were visiting. 
 
Imagine if on a computer there, at their monument, was stored their life. 
 
Read neuromancer. Imagine if their personality construct were there, and you could talk to them, ask them about anything they lived through go further: experience anything they lived through, as they did, when you visit them in the graveyard. 
 
The prophet has a revelation, we can experience it as she did no one will ever need to doubt another person. Think of how fast we can learn. 
 
Record the total sensory input,and the thoughts of your life. 
 
Record the total sensory input and all the thoughts of your life. 
 
Perfect communication. 
 
Yes this is a dream 
 
Is that where we are going? 
 
What then???? 
 
There's so much more to go-- 
 
IFF if and only if the revelations of the profits, the near death experiences fascinating, is that what we will focus on? Other than both scales of the universe, the ever incredibly smaller, the ever incredibly larger, the group mind can never stop growing? 
 
And still there are individuals and freer than they have ever been? 
 
And still we don't know what it's like to die? 
 
Does it matter. .. 
 
So I was thinking, that won't ever finish happening, but that is where we are going, the only way we can possibly go? 
 
Guys, these are questions I'm asking, if you have an Idea tell me. 
 
It won't ever finish. so  
stop and love 
 
What is the best time of your life? willing to bet when you felt with a group of people, or when you were in love, and loved. Is this right? 
 
So why does the guy pierce the belly button (to love and be loved?) I know, i know. . 
 
How much do you want to bet this has been imagined before? 
 
I will be able to find the other people in a few years, just by searching the 'matrix'. I am never the first, never the last, what is left to imagine? (what we will find of the incredibly small, and who we will meet in the incredibly large) or imagine talking to an atom. 
 
So I guess that's it. Back to real life. I hope I will be able to see you all soon. 
 
What is that feeling though, that feeling I have that there is always a sort of group energy, you know, a trancending something, trancending all things, the energy levels of the "Celestine Prophecy" telepathy, mind-meld, etc, is it real, mysticism, apochrypha, Kabbala, .Is there a such thing as a true atheist? And how do you feel, what do you think? 
 
I want to hear your ideal of love again (if you ever told me) Kyle, I want to hear/feel what you believe. 
What do you think? If you have time, write to a few people, writing to onlyone is tough. or just try the 'love' business in the subject if people want to read they can go the the web page. 
 
List the better things you could be doing than that: 
 
And 
 
I hope this doesn't sound like Some religion thing or sermon, or whatever you don't like, 
 
Oh well, from now on I'll just tell you about my days 
 
love and all that, 
Kyle, Caroline, Zach; Hannah, Jackson, Jennah, Jen, Stephanie, Becca (It would really suck if I forgot someone!) www.suck.com 
 
I'm thinking of David Robinson, a very funny guy. and Director of the Undergrad Business School at Berkely. just wanted to impress. 
Colin
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