Sun 07 Jul 1996 12:05

Well, got Brett's emails and changed her name to brett. The name of the 
woman in sun also rises I think. Thought about them a lot. I was tired 
yesterday and spent a lot of time sitting around outside, it was so nice. 
Then I see the crazy mad.
Don't know that I'll do anything other than keep changing names and I 
think I'll put the emails at the end of brett, if you care you can see how 
they are and see how you feel. For a while I was hearing "stop crying" or 
what it was she said, and the strangeness sad hope I was thinking, "if you 
do [whatever it was] feel free to get in touch". And oh well.
 
I guess it is a mistake to not show my wierdness immediately to anyone I 
start to spend time with. 
The problem here is, is it a problem? As Sharon (new name) said, I feel I 
know so much about you, and you hardly know anything about me. Oh 
well. Should I give my web page address to anyone I see and want to 
know and leave it at that and If they want to know me more leave it to 
them? almost as wimpy as not doing anything? think? I don't know.
    _I think you're all really wierd- you would all be just as crazy if you 
thought about things, really, and I am pretty sure of this. At the same time 
it is pretty stupid to say that all apparent saneness is a front for your true 
crazyness. I don't think you can ever really be at peace. Willa Cather 
came to terms "with a life diminished". Maybe I will. What if I go on 
shouting and no one does anything, unlike brett. With a life diminished. I 
don't know. I'll probably just shout until I die.

I am thinking about Chris (her new name too), and I what she'll do when 
she checks email if she does when she goes back to school if she does. 
I'm thinking about Imogen (her new name, I think). How stupid is this false 
name business? How much does it matter. I can't find any prominent 
principles or feelings against it, although in brett's case and maybe others 
it is sort of like having an anonymous voice. Which is fine. When she 
emailed me she wasn't emailing the whole world, but, I think I always am. 
Everything I say to you I say to everyone, I treat you the same. If you write 
me you write everyone. Who you are does matter, and people knowing 
you does matter. Everything and everyone who made you. Titles after 
names. 

Will I ever understand privacy. Maybe when I come to value it. Chris sayd 
she is a private person, polar polar opposite. So then is there any reason 
for privacy? I have seen none and know none, other than keeping your 
person from being molested by annoying people/ organizations. I guess 
the name change is fine for that reason. I think I qualify, well have 
qualified in the past as a molester, but I don't think I am currently 
molesting and I don't plan to again. 

Ben said the web is nice because we can find what we want instead of the 
adverts finding us. I think if I shout to everyone loud enough, anyone who 
feels with what I have to say may come. Current experiment. Shouting 
betrays inner turmoil. Sure that's all I want. I take a flyer and see you 
woman, and give it to you - if the ideas there seem good, maybe you'd 
come. It would be foolish to always try to dream of strange ways of 
breaking the distance- cause it causes problems for me - the concern of 
intrusion (though, sure I have not evidenced it though that is problem of all 
the past). If I saw one I'd be there, but see.

yeah, I think about Chris. Brett has maybe shown herself practical or 
something, but not loving. "love is a word you use to beat me with" I hope 
not, but I saw a play with a line like that in it, not a play but a monologue 
by a girl in monterey high, and I remember it. "no one will ever love you" a 
song also. 

Loving without being loved is not love.

Was imagining the possiblitity of a someone again, but not at all clear. 
doznt

I think about chris, hoping this whole business is not profanation to her, it is 
not to me, so why worry, because I respect her opinion, I imagine her to 
have a sense I do not have, though, I'm sure, we're all just as clueless. 
She's more beautifully clueless, and I think that is all that matters.

And -- this all is make-believe.

Not much to do but my schoolwork and this experiment, and the new 
more normal, sane keeping activities. Three I add this week, time filling 
mind filling, sane keeping, you see. You may appear sane but in actuality 
you are so busy you never feel, or is it you never think? Well then good 
thing, all my work is toward a time when 
I never think again.

Thinking of Imogen embodiment of practical saneness, living well in the 
real world. Real world? Socialists might not would not think so, same of me 
though, crazies. Fighting for jobs no one in their right mind would fight for. 
What for.

Imogen living in the real world and me You know fake names makes me 
more likely to use a name. The real name is something , Like I say it and 
she hears. She is writing of me and everytime I see 'colin' snap to. I guess it 
is just thinking of them seeing.

Imogen living in the real world and me writing of question to her, to 
everyone, wash your hands and quietly leave.

Why did I think to bother her? Oh just thinking someone would feel with. 
Could be there is a basic problem. A basic inhumanity about me that I do 
not see. Let me know.

nother nice day.

Yeah, I miss you imogen, wish I said your real name, it is a good name.

Wondering if the someother would just mean fromm's egotism a deux. 
Don't think so, what do you think.

living in portland now.