Tue 16 Jul 1996
Intimacy and distance; the insanity of the creator
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jeff and nwacker mixing in my head I really want someone to draw, like Sarah, or someone else who is good to remember. stuff cut from end of brett: this is about being open, no regrets, no secrets, that's all it is. (No its a lot more) how open can you be, and how much does it matter? I'm thinking of stuff like masturbation and nosepicking. Masturbation is perhaps a more acceptable and worthwile topic, but maybe you get the Idea. write about the dull typical people. And they are in no way dull or typical. They are, it's because of how they see themselves. They are not dull. They can be dull to be with, they are dull to be with. But what makes them dull, what made them is real and beautiful, sad ways. sorry, this is 'dire' stuff
AC and JS. I know who they are, and they know what I look like, if not my name. S is not like she looks from the picture she had. She is not a mental brood impose like I would think she would be. She did a darn good imitation of a kiss ass rhodes scholar which made me ask if she had been a cheerleader. But not loudly enough for her to hear. You are guessing what I mean, I guess. She was not like a kiss ass rhodes scholar, she was imitating one. I don't know that rs's are that way, but, makes sense. S is short and round, that is her shape, instead of gaunt and thin. She is attractive. I am trying to make you know that her shape is short and round, but that does not mean she is fat and roly poly. Do you see the difference? While I try to make you see, I do not think you or she will think this a flattering description. She is the kind I want, but alive. A c is the one. She had one picture one way, then another how she looks. She looks like she does. Her hair is long and straight and blondish. Her eyes are dark and in. Yes, I love her. She does do what she guesses she is supposed to and feels awkward, like I do, I feel the same way. Like when you were talking to Will, a, before you left, and a thousand other times. Your eyes have it. There is a dark thin line around, and I feel them. I look like twin crosshairs rounded out. One way you wear short cut-off jean shorts. Your sweater because she was cold. She is going back to New England soon, Cape Cod, I wonder why she moved. I think she was a girl scout and she has a special dad. and . She is going on to England, married, and I wonder what that's like. She has the quiet, and I say, the craziness comes through her, and I say she cries like me, and we all do stupid things. And she would read this and say no. Good talk with john. He has the voice, he has the great voice, understanding, reasonable and compassion, close. He has a little of the quality of glover and bigger and that strange guy, I want to say affectation, at deep springs. And we go on. I want him to take me in. I wanted him to, but I know that is foolish, I would go to a party with the daily, but a and j would be gone. I am guessing the only way is the own way, and matt says, it is the crazy way, but it is the free way, and I feel it already. Free to be with people who know exactly what you are and maybe love you for it, or wonder. To say whatever you want, and mean it all and love it all. Oh, Chris. I spit out the false letters in disgust, I want to say your real name,, I love you. I made one mistake: be together for no other reason than to be together fridays 6:oo pm Sylvan Theater. I made the mistake of not putting that on the flyers, that is the truth, and anyone who comes talking will be sad, and I won't know what to do. But that is all, and it is work I can do forever. l I sort of insure the impossiblity of this, by rain/no rain, and it is just want I want, so, I guess I take my time and see what I can catch oh, names, I only use fake names for who I have done what most people consider embarassing things. and some others, but like anne and becky, who I have not, the names are real. They have no reason to be personally embarassed, but all the others we have shared life and thought and emotion in some way, so it's different, and some are protected. When I embarass myself the same in front of all people, it is the best, then they all know what level I am on and can see me and smile then. and I smile at anne, and she smiles, I love her, and I think she knows, and I think she loves many people, like chris did/does, and that is enough, that she loves and she knows I love her. The anonymousnes of the university, the web and the world makes this independence possible. Alone, in order to be anything, I have to be entirely myself. The only way for that to be is for everyone who I see to know who I am, everyone, which needs to be everyone, who I love, knows that I love them. I wanted to say that I like getting mail from dad. Mostly he's all I get mail from, that loves. Becky and talking to matt, the writer, and I feel bad saying psychological and the character is the best, putting my wants on him, and one, psycholigical, wasn't even my want. I hope he won't consider, thought I consider char most important. Good to see matt.