Sat 10 Aug 1996
I cannot have anything but person talking. The written word, Unless to me is not of enough. The tv, the radio, the book even, I cannot.

I cannot even read my own attempts at logic.

my stories.

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Sat 20 Jul 1996 00:48
I am too tired to be logical, but not tired enought to sleep.
I am thinking and asking questions, but it is like asking questions in a dream.

Women.
I was right and I will always be when I say I want to get married. I want to find a woman to be wife, is what I said, and I have in effect proposed to two women so far. It's funny. I see how stupid it would be. What is it I want, why do I want it, and what will I want if there is someone who would be. I feel I am out of place among people often and I wonder why.

I also ask what is the influence of language. It is one in so many.

Yes, I see a woman and I want to know her better. It would seem that to know a woman better I have to be in love with her. It would seem that to know a woman best I have to marry her. Follow? This is influence. How many adult males do I know with good female friends? And now I wish I were a woman. What do I gain from being among women? Why do I want it so much? I was thinking it is just hope, and in that case it is a hope that is not realized. I be with women because I hope that I will be with them in a meaningful way in the future. I be with women to be with them in the present. and in the future. Already with Mary it seems in a way it is good to be with her. And with these others, I do not know what will happen. It is so ridiculous and so out of place, they are so incredible, I am so glad I have found them, but what do they mean, lover?

They are incredible keen, and clear, and genius in a way, I wonder what they workfor, because I do not feel it in me. They are the short- hair, the man with a female face, and I play to the time of the psych here, there is perhaps some truth, I unstable love the stable,

but so that is not so true, I see the angst the sullen, the bizzare non-conform, and she, she is not stable, and I would I spoke to her, because I think she has crazyness. I do not understand or believe the appearance of confidence, drive, direction. There is always the wondering and the feeling of insecurity and unknowing.

I imagine a woman who would be so close, and I see what she would have to go through. Brett's been closest, and not a bad example. Is there a one who it would be as tough for me as for her, or is there a one such that we are close in experience, and we can see ourselves and be ourselves together easily? I guess that is how it would be.

And when I see the beauty in these girls and I feel the great distance between us, it is a good thing, because I have no delusion of ever knowing them. It is enough and it is so little and so much just to be with them. In some ways I am able to show them that I love them and they see perhaps and we can be quiet at that.

I now resolve that until there is another crazy I can be quiet. There is Ramona. And I will know when she is and when we can come to-gether.

It is sad though. I see all these women, and these guys too who are as nice, and what can I do? They are there, I am here we are there in the same place, but what can we do?

With M. I feel a little closer, she says she's had it and we both have, so we can, just. be.

Oh you all. Do you know how much this means? And I have the Idea that your thoughts mean as much as these do. And I know that when you are just executing a plan, it is like playing a crossword, checking off requirements on a merit badge. That is funny, I have always tried to avoid the big academic projects, and she is one who goes all the way and they look detachedly at insan.

I realize my situation is hopeless- that is, without hope. And yet I always hope, that is why I live on. Is there not a living soul without hope?

Oh.
And what if my hope in what ever form were fulfilled and two people or more became one or so. Becoming just the same situation but together. That is ctch. What is the union fromm and what is the hope of union, what is the hope of 'love'? The marrieds I know aren't any better off. Or are they? The marrieds I know aren't any different. But who all do I know? So K learly. I see the marrieds, and I see them alone, and they are just as separate. Together they are a little different- maybe, though, I say, not

It is more two people sharing a little bit of life. But it seems that another guy would be better in a way, just because the picture of the woman I get is sad, tired, the picture of the man and woman is sad, tired. A old thing that is no change.

So separate, I wish to be together, but the picture of together is anything but pretty. Separate I have the hope that together is better, but you know, It is not. Yeah, Sun.

So then, why do people get married? I do not really feel. I think it is the biological thing. I see that woman and I am physically attracted to her. It is not difficult to distance myself considering the difficulties and consequences of physicality. But remains, that I see the thigh of that girl and I want to hold her and touch her and fuck her for that instant. And I always do.

Or am I feeling something different. Or is this just the constant attraction but the inability to come together like too poles of a horseshoe magnet.

Anyways it is annoying. But notice the difference from being alone, the improvement I would say. These are women and men I will see many days, many times, and my mind goes so far to hope, where lacking people before It would not. Then I felt not and now I feel often.

I am only concerned, does this go anywhere? And for some it stays like where I was before, and for some it stays like where I am now, and for some they go on and do something different, maybe like Brett and I and then come back to this or further back, and some may do something different.

So, as usual, I am as clueless as before, but I have such ecspressed my loss to myself.

Um, 2. So who are the people I should look to? The ideals of m. theresa, the ideals of ghandi. Who are they really. The ideals of nearing. I would say Helen had it like she should and scott too. What do they have to tell.

Some sort of satisfaction and productiveness with self.


3 The future of womankind.

Where are we going and what are we working for and why do we work for enlightenment or understanding.

It don't matter much if we the individual are clueless. There are many who give the external appearance of purpose, but to see the individual is to see the clueless and incapable and confused. So much of what passes for greatness and sucess is  the product of an individual who is clueless and incapable and confused. But so much the other way to.

good night.
7/20


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