Tue 27 Aug 1996 12:00
8/28 weds
Vast intelligence, zestful enjoyment of living, loving, co-operative relationships with
others-these seem to constitute the essential human nature.
-from the web
Hallstrom and Husband steeve
8.27.96 Tuesday,
Well, folks, its not Wednesday, I got confused, I lived two days in one because of the great differences I experienced.
But you know This cannot go on like this. I need to get that sign out
tomorrow, and the letter to is-labs about leaving, cmass, libraries,
consciousness.
I need to get that sign out tomorrow.
No rules.
Today is a sad day, I guess because I did not get to love enough in
realtime. In realtime. I did get to talk to kristen for a little bit
and that was nice, And I did try to read some of that stuff on
re-evaluation counseling linked to on her web page after I saw it.
But there is still something missing, and the ternanitves scare me
I wish you could tell me.
Well, I think I know what the problem is.
For one it is the god damn planes, I am getting the hell out of here?
Shit I wish I could, but now I cannot move, I have found places and
people, but the airlines, I am sure have changed their landing, or
takeoff routes. I need to go to the country, but I have no people
there, so I am stuck in this
and I want the sources and people of the univ. As if I lived in my grandparents house. maybe I'll get used to it.
Maybe its the wind or the weather. And I'll be riding in and out two times in one of the noisy things, how sad.
But there is something missing,
And that is I did not get to love enough
For me, what I need to know is that the people will be with me for a while, and I cannot know that here.
Perhaps, even a small school, where I can get the depth on people, however shallow because of time together. Everybody has it.
I need to write but I feel distraught. Dis drafted,
anyways. I did want to see her, but it doesn't work that way, Colin,
how patient do you have to be and what does she want. It seems she
knows how I'm feeling and cares.
And, always, I don't know what I want. Don't forget your cousin, colin.
Don't forget your cousins. So, imagine your ideal world and create it.
It is not seeing lots of people and not knowing them well.
What is your perception? What is your perception.
My ideal world involves other people and is not creatable without
commonvision, and as that guy says, cooperative relationships, I
suppose.
Who has the time to stick by me? And who is there crazy enough that I would stick by them.
I do think everyone is if I give them time, and they express so well.
So Rebecca could be, she could be, but it takes more work and time, and
there is love.
Now you see, is it only love? It is love that keeps me in the present, and that is where I need to stay,
Oh, bleakness, oh angst! oh Tragedy, oh oh oh.
Ah-
And love is giving, and what is it best to give, and what is best to
recieve. I do not think, appropriately that giving and recieving are
differentiable or even appropriate.
I really need to stop using language. But people understand less clearly more of the other ways of
The natural zesty human condition. Hell man, just try to hide your sadness, we cannot help but be oppressed,
Actually, I am chooseing to be, there are a number of people I could call, but they all
But they all.
Let me sink slowly into madness, and let me create a cold, hard theory
of communication and be done with it, though I know I will never finish.
Oh, I need to get the epistemology class before it is too late. Motivation? I could do it now, Lovers all.
So desire follows, freedom, and the people, they seek sorrow. I try to help them find it, because we all need to cry.
It is our sadness, it is our sadness that is universal. We know the
answers but we cannot live them. We can live the answers, but we cannot
know them. This actually, seemingly makes sense. To know the answers
would be to be distant, and I would say, to know, means to
I don't know, but to live the answers, is that not knowing the answers?
Well, you see, I should get down to bed, though it is early and I miss
seeing my friend, but she's not here, she's not here, and this
separation is characteristic.
And this separation is characteristic of my insanity, which is valuable, but not desirable in the quantities, I inhale.
And I follow the signs, and they say, answer the door, as the door is ringing, but I will not , i will not leave.
I hear Denice as the light swaps on. I hear the sound of the lake.
Well, folks, this is it, follow me here, and we go no-where together.
Rhetoric, rationality, well, you can have them, but they imply no sense.
The best is not rational, the best are not genius. The best smoke down
the hill from my house and I have to smell it, though I 've never told
them so.
So I don't really know. I've given up really caring, because no one here is for sure, and no one here is for sure.
That means I am not for sure, that means i am not, I do no know I will not try I will not follow, I will.
I have nothing to teach, but this feeling, and this feeling is now and forever, I have nothing at all
Now then, give me a person and give me time, and I still don't know.
I don't know where we're going, I don't know where we've been, All I wait for is reciprocation, aAnd I 'm not entirely without
She who loves without being love does not love. She who loves iwthouth being loved does not love.
And It scares me to think what she will do, but it scares me worse to think what I will do when she will do, so I do not think.
So when all the shes will do what elles will do, and I, who don't know
what I will do , will not know what to do when she does as she is as
she is,
and as I reject all images, all choices made for me and so, that's how
I go, let me down, let me out, to a freer place of being, as alone, as
a force as feeling in a person long ago.
Do you like Ice cream?
Oh, I used to be that way.
And what happend. What did happen, you scare me when You say. It seems
my sister is the only one, the only one, and she changes the right way,
The lost time, doesn't matter so don't waste the lost time,
The lost time doesn't matter, the lost time does not exist, so make the
real time, and tap her on the shoulder and ask her name. You don't have
to scream as loud to 2 thousand as you do to thirty, but you never
scream to either number.
You don't have do feel that you went where she went, because she has never, never ever been there before.
I think I'll survive, we can never communicate.
I think I'll survive. It is so stupid being alone
But what ever other state is there?
There is no other state, it is only attitude.
perception
The times with are no more enjoyable. They are as distractions, like tv, and newspaper.
and I tell others what she does wrong.....
Why don't they tell me what I do wrong?????? It doesn't help, As that wise man says, the best to help is to listen,
Well,
I have nothing to say, and you have nothing to tell me
I have nothing to say, and you have nothing to tell me.
lover, tell me nothing, and we will play?
And what is play? It is when survival is too easy, and we
and we what is play?
It is swimming all alone for two hours, back and forth in a pool where
the air is dark and the water glowing green, an you leave trails, you
leave trails as you as you glide along the survace of the gel,
and the water rips, and you sink into the light.
later.
I need to be a danser or a musician.
my sadness is the sadness of the world
my happines is the happiness of the world, of the universe.
and I will stay alone.
.