Tue 09 Jul 2002 04:39
Yesterday went with sara to Staten Island- parts were nice,
but am wondering, too much time with her?
Wednesday, we shall cook, lest I change my mind, or she hers, but I don't think I will.
Working on a new site idea... the new site idea.
Overate yesterday evening. Large raised mole on left side. Wish did not have to work. Goal to work on writing.
things are nice.
I'm not in love with sara (now), she's a friend.
strangeness? Or just how things are. Running to work yesterday was nice.
wishing dif job.
cultural vitality, chinatown vs harlem vs hamilton heights.
2002-07-09-1339
self hatred (my) is transparent(ly obvious)
sara hurt hurself yesterday also, by herself she would have been faster and could have swum?
the reason is only 15 min of swimming this morning. and something else. Really down low, hating,
I wrote:
(1) pissed to be late
(2) pissed to not have lockers
(3) pissed, hair in pool, cats, etc.
O.D.'d on time w/ sara - now, we've had too much --> adverse effects (late to swim not enough time on site)
happy to have cooking project to work on
_self worth_!
re sara-
w/sara on weds
pissed that mozilla mail is not working
self hate-
teeth enamel rot.
and
--
fuck!
---------------
Of course now, most everything is better. I'm not working any more, I
have plenty of time to work on my project, I have sara on weds to look
forward (though, I wouldn't count it-- still pre-emptive).
let's get on with our project. I'm somewhat motivated by the ishmael
list because I know they're somewhat of a receptive audience.
love,
hating work, but I know why I'm there. I don't need to hate it, but for
the swim thing-- I don't need to hate it. It is fine and interesting,
reasonably, but I must get this other thing going.
Unfortunately Sara and Work are unrelated to this other thing. (?) whatever it is(?) is sara unrelated (?)
I don't know.
I wouldn't change yesterday. I needed to have that happen. I needed to
fuck up with her (quite possibly she thinks yesterday was fine-- this
is just a mistake made by me with respect to time with her?) I'll ask...
I don't love myself as I was with her. I don't love remembering that
time--, except on the way there. Though while having it, no signs...
while having it, no signs, all fine.
Looking back, I see problems.
alright. peace, and warmth and daylight, and clean windows, monterey. future now. Yes. The future.
1349 today shall be an awesome day.
.