Tue 03 Sep 1996 14:30
We both want it, but how can it go on like that, dear.
Fuck this sucks,
I want to fuck, but I have so much ugly stuff to do, either way.
Condoms and spermicide sound pleasant.

A lot of people, apparently, are used to this sort of interaction

This is the most ridiculous problem. It is all conflict and is there any way to not have conflict.

To do it right would be to have so much time together, would be to live together, and

yet we both realize the need, and no doubt, well some doubt, both think about it,

and how can we go on interacting so fucked by physical desire.

She does a good job I think. I think she does a good job, but I am not sure exactly what she wants. Perhaps she could tell me before she gets it too bad, perhaps we both are right to wait, neocortex, over limbic.

If I were more reasonably sure I would be with her for life, I don't think I would have as much problem with it. If she were Kristen for example, but she is not.

I hope that if we stick to eachother in the right way, we will still have eachother when the others that don't return go on their own way.

And I do think she can find a person who is closer to real to her. Closer to there. This is like the sara deal.

And likewise for myself. Though I do not imagine any such people, perhaps They are around. Like Kr, but I guess different in a way so that they don't mind me and type of attention.

It is hard though. It hard to have this sort of love and sustain it, but this is the only way I think to sustain it and not loose either her or me.

I think I'll be fine now.

Love Rebecca for her attention and a little of her feeling I guess. I wish it were reciprocal dear Kr. I wish, like I did a few years ago with another.

Fine,
Fine now.


93 4:30
Two people vs three. The change in human interactions.
What happens there.I don't see it.

The need to be recognized for greatness the need to achieve. I am feeling it.
Well, it will do me in. I should only recognize myself. How sad. Maybe she wouldn't mind, but I am afraid it could be how I look, however perverse.

No it is that I am o.k. to be with. Nothing exciting, I don't think, but ok.

And she, with me, it is that I can be with her. I love her because I need her? Well, if I didn't love her, I wouldn't need her.

I can say I would not walk with randall.


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