Fri 06 Sep 1996 13:30
Hey Kristen, how wierd is this for you. do I think myself
could just keep going on in abstractions but that avoids realization. From just a feeling to this written pounding out of a rough copy.

Kristen, called her, we're going to talk tomorrow, I feel a little insecure in her want, it is always dangerous

what is your rain?

it is always dangerous to be doing something that requires another for yourself, because that will be the last time.

I could have said, is this something you want to do? I could have said that,
I do not think she would have said no,
but the thing, is, I want this too much to have her ok to say no.

Something is wrong, I am not sure.
I think it is mostly physical, but I do not know.

So I lay here until randall came home.

And as soon as he comes I am alright.

Damn, it sucks to mess with Kristen like this. I wish I could know

I wish I could

I wish I was secure enough to be able to call her up again and ask, if she wants to do this too. If it is more for her than taking the time she said she would.

Remember with Kyle,

and fine since then. This is tough.

Anything less than total emotional involvement is a denial of human life itself.

Total emotional involvement.

and to be sure:

to obtain the utmost of pleasure and inspiration from the simplest events of life around you, nothing of greater importance or significance.

And kristen,
Is this something you want to do?

^is this something I want to ask you.

I think about asking it, is

Is this something I

do I have anything to lose by asking it?

Oh god, I thought I would put an end to this type of thing, but something sort of different always comes up.

Are you O.k. with it,

Well, there.

and a laugh of insecurity as she said, oops

Fine, nothing to think about any more and the effect was a little wierd.
Isn' this fun

yeah, I think so.

and a (my) laugh of insecurity as she said no.

Oh, fine, you crazy kid, and she is older and psychological game,

and we go on.

Like this and you've seen, and you've seen

Isn't this fun.

Toward the tough road of psotal passion.

passion.

And craziness you've got it there, these are things you don't think about these are things,

you can see why it would not be so bad to die so soon,

except I see with someone like rebecca, it would,

and now I can go on

Should I imagine the conversation ahead of time?

Should I try

We'll do what's right, we'll do what

we'll do what's right, fine.

hey, then crazy

never write two lines.

Oh jeeze, who is this person, I discover through time, it is a crazy person, and it is never the same, and it is never final, and it never ends until I do. It is a little bizarre that there is no past and certainly no future. There is nothing that has been. There is nothing that will be, there is only the in

enough.

What do I do to these people, what is my effect, can they stand it, is it a bother or is revealatory,
revelatory.

hou would it be either way.

There was something to write about and it was what was wrong, then randall came home and made it right.

I asked her. I did not stressfully(buzz) angstfully think about asking her, I did, purposeless tho it was and it gave her a better perception of myself, and a little better perception of her in relation to myself. it seems as if she were the mom and I the little kid, asking for a hug, it seems that way.

This is about creating the environment this is about creating the environment.

I could do this every day, and everytime that is how I feel now, but in time, it will either continue to feel that way, or we will both feel that this is not something that we could not talk so often so much.

And this is good, It is good to be open it is good to be known as you feel, it is good to be known as you feel,

at times, oh at times it causes problems, and poor feelings, but that is a problem of understanding, and the understanding should be there be for the feelings are expressed, then the problems will not be there or gone.

So in that case, I disposed of the stress, the strange chemical combine that made me question whether to act but unable to decide to act either way, and a false laugh like the smiles, like the smiles, this level this kind of cmu, how necessary is it to keep the things going, it should not be this falsness this verticalisity, verticalness, all surface, none depth.

to keep the things going and make the time go on, as ramble,roll and fall.

The strange chemical combine that made me act neither way, but question and feel,

And what is total emotional involvement and what is passion,
an

and what is sustainable, cold hard resolve.

resolve constancy, I am fine now, I feel like she would respect, but first I have to do what is not respect and think


go.

resolve constancy of passion.

Passion is total emotional involment,

passion is mostly lower order, it is mostly 'limbic' so it does not qualify to be a level

oh, to be obscure.

is there a medium, or is there the balanced passion, the passion that is sustained, or is there the level like Rebecca,

Appearances, Is she even level.

is she even level?


So I imagine the experience with Kyle Circa third grade to be sustained euphoria,

the frigging joy of seeing her every day, and this strange picture I have of playing with her, actually I think I was just sitting there as she walked around, under a tree near the river side of the field.

That was one day,

But how many days was it?

And now, could say, has been sustained, rememberd, sought, for so many few years.

Then, time, time, time.

So what is it that takes us down and is there away around it.

I should as the Hallstroms, I will write them a note a day of these,
one day of these, when I have the questions fine, when I have the penmanship down and the pictures in, the ink black, slick, shiny, amanda, as it dries

smile.

sing amongst the barren field, then sing amongst the cauliflower, and buy your tomatoes at the store,

so what do you work for, so what do you preserve. The time is not what matters I thought I saw the feeling.

To see a feeling. How do you see today? I am seeing not so good ... I missed swimpractices to day which I love, and now I'm seeing darkly.

Or I see to bright.

How do you hear today? I hear a long low tone, it is a steady low, like a quiet of depression, and I feel all right,

In spite of the sound.

I hear ok inspite of the feeling.

not quite right.

and I hope she's off, I hope she can brush it and go on with her models, I hope the stress I knew? is not hers.

How do you hear today,

Distractions and wood, but good ones?

tape the frame.

How do you hear today? I hear a high pitched intermittent sound, I hear intolerably and something must be done, I cannot stand hearing, I must end this.

the low is fine then it eventually fades away.

I hear nothing.

I feel nothing.

I hear symphonies today.
And what is I hear the rhythm of the blues of the brothers.
I feel mleancholy.
I feel melancholy.

And symphonies could be either way.

What is best to hear, go hear it.

What is best to feel, go feel it.

what is best to see, go see it.

But the feeling originates internally, so does what you hear, and if you paint what you see.

So to control your feeling, create your feeling, leaving nothing physical, leaving nothing physical, like you might sing some tones and know your mood.

Feeling is fundamental, but feeling is caused, feeling is sense of self, and I expect, before even pheremones, there was sense of self and internal structure,

and how biological. Biology, what class can I take.
201.

And go into the brain I hear about boersma.

There is something wrong here, I'll tell you what it is.

The sky is grey, I open the door to hear the sky tear from a

The sound of cars and a backing truck.

There is something wrong here,
and that is that it ends.

Even the wrongness ends, and that is wrong with the wrongness, it is only in awareness for a time, to be an animal, and right with the world, so I simplifically see.

To have awareness and to not feel, see hey can you know, It is not me I feel it this time,
it was for me,
and do we know all the time.

incase you didn't know, something is wrong, and

I will tell you what it is. it is this, it is That I do not know what I would rather be doing. It is in fact that this is the best thing I could be doing right now, is working on this thing, Whatever it is.

I think it is a function of all that is not right. And the fine times are the fuction of all that is right.

Why then are there times when something is not right? h

There are times when something is not right because there are some things that are not right. The more things in the environment that are right, the less things aren't right. and the less times things are wrong.

What is it in this environment that is not right?

Missing a clear cause? Missing a clear and dedicated path of action? Why does she day dream any? is there a way out of it? is there any clarity of what feels good. I know I could finish the paper, it would be good to be done, and have it out and it would be good to share something good with rebecca, especially, or whomever, maybe.

Microwave.

I do know that I would be finished with that one and then there would be another.

I said, we must enjoy the process.

What process do we inherently enjoy? It is cool to talk with You R.

I am worried about K. but oh well. Security is a function of You R.?

I think so, very much, because it seems I come to rely that I could be with you forever if I wanted, but I am foolish,
I could be with you for as long as you live, if you wanted, and only if I can be withmyself with you, and there is some lack of clarity of motivation here.

What process do I inherently enjoy? This is the problem. I enjoy running and working physically hard, if I have some motivation and clear time to do it.

Talking, walking, being with another is harder, because there is so much insec there.

hey, doubt,

Is there any process I enjoy?

It is good to be with another, sharing this common dilemma, I cannot wait until next wednesday and I hope mr Buzz shows because he has it whatever it is, he's got the motivation and the time and the thought and what he thinks, works on him.

We are both as hopeless, we are both as sad.

Now how about Kristen,

How about another person whom I would see and feel incredible and want to try to understand why?

Why I think she may have it. oh, the natural zesty human and the goodness to yawn and how she knows as much about it sans class.

The natural zesty human yuck, who would wrestle, who would play who would sing when things are right.

But there are times when things are not right, sometimes disastrously so, and to deny all of this is to live part aware.

Or is it all attitude, no I do not think so, there is a sure question. You'll all get it some time.

It's ok to die now, give, us, time,

So I see she is incredible, but what did she get herself into, what was she thinking how was she acting towards me and where is she going now.

What does she have. So we have here a pursuit of psych, mental, posessions,

I see those who have, seem to have, something and try to learn from them,

Why are you tired , why do you yawn, how are you different now than when you were before.  Fine then, fine.

How are you different now than when you were before.

There is something not here, where is the brood, where is the question how do you know the person will stay.

I throw it all out on the hour every hour and start again. I do not get anywhere but continually realize I am lost as when I started, I am
failing to make a rational view of the world,

Because the view of world is combined, half ration half feel or whatever proportaion you have worked it out to be, and neither. No feel can get it all, full brain feel, not separate only .

full brain feel.

amy.

So I thought I might right a book as if.

My idea of starting with the smallest unit of soc, the individual,
and relating the health of one,

And I see that sure I could go on, having talks, and getting people to talk, but this is a diversion.

It is to be and to be to be together.

How's this:

be

to be

together.

What is the best.

And she wants to watch tennis. I think she is too sane to know the questions. Can she smile them away?

I don't know

what is his foundation reason why it is worthwhile to live

What is the ability.

The ability is one:
A function of having something to work for and believeing in what one works for

hey tree.

Eagle scout, Navy O, MDPhD

ok.

To help the suffering people.

I wish there were a way out.

passion.

Perhaps I loose sight of it because I am alone.

Sure she is lost and sad alone, but I can talk to her and be with her.

That is the most that I can do.

Abortion advocate, one who holds one's hand as one is aborted.
one, one one.

The most I can do is be with her.

It would be fine if there were a point of stasis, but development never ends. The indian phils wanted a way out. If it never ends, so,

We know there probably is a way out, but a way that could leave all lived meaningless.

So it's no different from no way out.

There has to be an established path believed to be good.

Or is there your own way? The individual way seems lost.

What time do you get up sara? What time do you work until?

How fast do your fingernails grow? How smooth is your face R? How do you think, L? Where are you now.

Established path believed to be good or a
way to go own. on
Vanamee.

Assoc.

Wimachtendink, wingolausik, witahemui

WWW

You've seen it before.
somewhere.

That last life, you know.

What were you like when you painted your hair, and  and, and,

Why did you do what you did, and how are you like so now. What do you do? San, Insan

Lasting daydream, this is only a little more structured, I can follow a tangent and go back

established path

Something to work for,
being with, in time.

Being with, in time, is the current challenge, could be one other could be soc

The time duration.

The time. Read time.

duration, that is the issue

What does duration issue from? This strange perception. The awareness that people have lived, species have lived, civilizations, planets have lived and passed on.

The awareness will only continue, sometime.

Time from Ox encyc of his

The asymmetry of time is perhaps its most striking feature and the most difficult to explain. The fundamental lays of physics are time-reversable. and yet complex macroscopic processes like the growth of a tree or the breaking of a glass could not happen in reverse save by a miracle. This is often supposed to be explicable by reference to the second law of thermodynamics, which implies that closed systems tend to evolve from conditions of less to greater disorder, or 'entropy'. But why should the universe have been created in a particularly low state of entropy -- or was this just an accident without which time might have been isotropic (being the same in all directions)? And how does the asymmetry of time as we know it relate to the apparent non-existence of phenomena involving 'backwards' causation, such as time travel? Thiese problems are very little understood by either metaphysicians or physicists.  E.J.L.

*Space-time; specious present.


Why should the universe have been created in a particularly low state of entropy? Does the universe expand or contract?

Are these real questions?

we have the problem of duration and perception of time.

It could be that this society and this acculturation is just incapable of dealing with a no time. andonly present.

R.

Becca,

becca.

r. said there were some indians who had no conception of or no verb for past or was it future.

is this the kind of language we need?

Hi amy, and time to go, the difficulty is a deter.

The hope must be made in this language I guess, It must be a basic and permanent realization.

So supposing, we like the hallstroms lived on that farm and knew, that we had to work to stay alive, and that we had eachother.

The problem is, if I go with these women, I feel I am living with their motivation. If I can find another without motivation, the pure state, no future, dissillusion in the future oriented environ, and we together are able to create motiviation.

That seems to be the case. The pure state seems hard to come by,

But the more interaction, the more actually doing something?

The

Is it only with people? The guys who went off by themselves for a year?

What happend of treating like want to be treated, I have never been in that situation, I can guess you would not want to be bothered but I never know.

Guess right. On Play the music, involvement in time.

So why not be a musician and start to play the violin? Or keyboard or piano, or sing?

why not go swimming?Go swimming.


No dear dear answers, and I will leave before 5 to go down there and swim, and then come back here and get ready to go, for tomorrow. Oven.

Can I go that early.

Whatever happend to don't think, do? What is there to do?

--

loosing sight of some things

To try is to fail, surest way to fail is to try,

The physical approach. The focus on all needs as biological and the logical filling of those needs. Works, but motivation.

What is the biological source of motivation: Paper after aesthetics is on motivation. Duration, permanence in time, how do these people keep living, dealing with themselves. How does the Wyeth, continue on in total emotional involvement in work and play, or does he?

The logical filling of biological needs.

I need a motivation, a continuance of a purpose in time. So how do I create such a motivation? Study motivation? Or examine what has motivated me in past.

Constant exposure to a need in others that is in my power to fill. the need I fill is not apparent, immediately, and i am not sure I have the power to fill it, I rather think I don't unless it is a thing that requires at least two. What has motivated me in the past does not work now. I do what I do because I know I need to do It, not because I in the basic sense want to do it. To go swimming is a rational want based on past awareness of physical. BUt there is no basic want. There is no basic want now, except to find motivation towards a particular aim. Same as buzz, here.

Motivation, Passion, concentration, etc,

is motivation a side track, oh well, we can go that way for a while.

I'm out of here, as I come back, I rewrite the paper.

love,
Colin

and thought is the subtlest of all of the maya.

It is unfortunate I subtly illude myself so much.

but I think I believe the human instead must be a combination of thought and emotion, because we must deal with both. But thought on what level.

quiet.

9.6. 2130

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