Sun 15 Dec 1996 00:09
I will write about rebecca sometime sometime sometime, for now, she will rest here, and wait, loving, c--

that is all it is independence, that is all you are.

Oh- oh life goes o-on
long after the joy
of living is gone.
Oh- oh, life goes o-on, long after the joy of living is gone.

be hard be stoic, she forces "self" she forces "individual"
is, how it has to be for her.
how it should be for me.

you don't usually get this, because it is her,
but as she fades and leaves, you will see her more and more.

She is quite a special person, absolute expression of love one day, practical considered distance the next. This is good for a person. I am never secure, can never hope to be, she is, to this, always a mystery and unexpected, she is, to this, always herself, and never me. Perhaps I sadden her by being her and not an isol self, if I do. "she is so sane"

maybe thousands of words more later, really, but, what is there to say, you see nothing,

yet there is nothing more personal and immediate to work on.
sure that is not right, she is close

nothing else. Let us wait a quarter and two, and a parting, and a leaving, and distance of time, and then see.

Let us wait another 10 years less and then see, and we will see nothing, and she will scare me, I am sure. How can she be? she asks. Maybe she is right. The idea of just a doctor loses me. The idea of family loses me. the Idea of cat, her idea of cat loses me, and most of all, most of all,
the thought of success and happiness, and avoidance, missing, rather, of tragedy, failure, hard and violent life, hard an violent death, loses me most of all,
going down.

She is cute, she is right not, she is so beautiful, she could not of been choreographed better, more amazingly, more expressively, more ideally for me. Too bad you can never see how she is, you can never see her as I have seen her, and even the "I" of colin will not see her for long. that is fine.

well, that's O.K-
You hear her voice, on the days when all she speaks is you, you see her face, her smile, her move, when that is whom she sees, her whole body love her whole body self, and still she dies. she ends and ends.

I end and end, you end and end, we end and end so well, and so well together, so well together.

So I have come back again, pressing these keys like a self-stimulated rat, laughing if ever there is a person who would read and read these written focused-letter-word, phrase and feeling moments of mine, of the world's, so I laugh and laugh and cry.

I know what it is, and inwardly what does she feel as he starts to speak again?, I know what it is.. concentration.
so,
lovers-
love.
colin
hasta  manana.
.