Wed 25 Dec 1996 21:35
Christmas day
not so satisfied right now because of what I want to do and have not done, and the feeling of something missing.
love,
Colin
.
Tue 24 Dec 1996 18:02
[dead2.doc]
Deadness II
Mostly because of my failure to determine a physically and rationally
desirable way of life, I feel little motivation to do anything.
Actually, when I do worst is when I think about things the most. But
whenever I get the time this is what I do. I destroy myself through
rational thought. I wonder how I can get this thinking, this strange
motivation to question out of my system. It is doing me no good, and
yet, if life is not making it difficult for me to get by so that all of
my attention is focused on getting by, I begin to question again.
Really, this is what I do for "fun." This is what I do when I have
nothing else I think I need to do. Even now there are things others
might think I need to do, but instead I do this. I am most motivated to
do this thing which is making my life unpleasant. I know what makes my
life "pleasant" but I do not do those things because, I want some
understanding of what I am doing and why.
Before I have said the mistake is to use this sort of thought for
anything other than survival reasons, yet, it seems, I am compelled to
use this thought to develop some sort of purpose for myself. Pirsig,
for a while maybe, was able to concentrate on Quality. What is the
Quality life? By his argument, I know that sitting here working this
out has more Quality for me than going swimming, and working physically
hard which I know would make me enjoy being alive. But I don't want to
enjoy it, I want to know what I'm doing and I need to get away from all
these people who have other concerns. I should go to D.C. and see the
homeless people. Those people know what they want and need.
I do know how I can get this out of my system, and it is happening
every moment, it involves loosing everything and becoming like those
homeless people who have to fight to survive, for me it is so easy, but
if I do nothing long enough, my situation will be as theirs.
Recently, I have been enjoying the concentration and the success
concentration brings while working hard at school work. It doesn't
matter what I do as long as I work hard. Same with exercise. If I stop
and think, well, that is the end. I was thinking I could develop a
right way to live, but I am thinking I cannot. And yet, when I am
together with others, I think I make progress. I think I make progress.
That doesn't matter to me, however, because in the end and the
beginning, I always percieve a separation, I always percieve an
isolation, even though it does not exist.
Oh, well,
what should I do?
living to live sucks, but sure, it can feel good, I can enjoy it. And
not long ago I decided that is all there is. Then why do I not stay
away from this dangerously questioning area called psychology? Because
it has the feeling of more meaning to me than the others, all the
others. I will do nothing great, unless I enjoy it. And yes, there are
worthwhile things that can be done to make our lives more pleasant, and
yes, there is never any point in fucking up another person who is doing
something simpler and more universal than yourself, really? Procreation
seems rather universal, yet it is a problem. Sex then is a universal,
almost, enjoyment, but it too is secondary, yes.
What should I do?
I can work on making the world a more pleasant place for me to live in
(and by my way of thinking, this includes every other person). Why
isn't the world a pleasant place for me to live in now? These are all
the things I will work on, and the working on them itself will be the
first step towards pleasantness.
First, if ever again, I ask why I do what I do, it is because it makes
my existence somehow more pleasant. Let us start by intuitively
choosing a few things that make my existence more pleasant. I can
exercise. This would make this day much more pleasant. That's about it
really, and then there are endless theories on how to achieve
self-fulfillment. I need to believe I am doing something worthwhile. I
will never find this all the way, because there is no reason for it,
simply, it makes us feel good, and that is generally a good sign.
So, just to occupy myself, while I am alive, besides exercise, I will choose some other activities.
1 to reduce material consumption
a. to reduce the amount of traveling around
--> The above will be done by steering people toward simpler forms
of entertainment such as, exercise, reading and researching, or simply
talking with friends.
How am I going to get other people to behave the way I want them to? By
making them want to behave the way I want them to behave. This will be
done by presenting a way of being to their awareness. The presentation
of this way of being needs to be such that the perciever, if not
behaving the way I want them to behave will think that the way they are
perceiving is better than the way the perceiver is presently behaving.
This can be done, most basically, by being an example of how all people
want to be, most of all, enjoying being alive, into living, enjoying
being alive. People will see me, and want to know how, and may want to
figure me out and learn to live as I live. This sounds reasonable. The
problem has become how to live an awesome, and on a basic level, a
universally appealing existence. Is this possible? If I knew of someone
who lived a way which appealed to me, I would live that way, but I do
not, Rebecca is the closest, I guess, but she's not there, mostly
because I'm not her. The most basic goal is to live a life appealing to
myself. So what do I do? I work hard and exercise.
What kind of hard work do I do? It must be significantly challenging so
that my ego is satisfied that not anyone could or would do it, but I
must believe that everyone would want to do it. It must be something
that everyone can do, but that requires individuality to do, such as
this work right now, determining something to do while alive.
This work must involve positive experience, positive concentration,
sort of like Csik's flow. For me it must involve an activity and a
feeling of making progress, I am not at the point where I feel like
spending hours in meditation, it may be I am simply not of the culture.
What could this work be?
I think we will find it will involve a focus on understanding and
encouraging the optmal state of experience and development in human
beings. This can be done through studies like Csik's and research in
developmental psychology. But, mostly, I have to change society, the
people will have to quit driving cars, buying packaged stuff, buying
things for christmas. This change must be effected in the most
acceptable way possible, it must appeal to all people, it must appeal
to myself. Or it could be just research which helps the clinicians. In
short, it is very difficult to reach people whose lives are centered
around the very thing I am trying to get people to ignore and have them
focus in other ways. How can this be done?
1. it must be shown that it is desirable to not focus on the material
2. it must be shown that non-material focuses are sustainable.
So I guess I will work on this later, and I will start that group,
though not work too hard at it unless I want to, the idea being we get
people to compare stuff on, and I should really try keeping my mouth
shut when G talks.
Ok, now, where does Rebecca fit into all this? How should I act
regarding R in relation to having a pleasureful existence? She is not a
simple pleasure like exercise which I know If I do will give me
pleasure. I don't think this is something to think terribly much about,
because I can do what I can do with her and what feels good feels good.
I could stay with her forever, perhaps, but not be oficially married,
but then what would be the difference? What if we had a sort of wedding
and made up some vows and invited everyone and had a big party, but had
no priestess or official papers? No different really. For whatever
reason it is not something I would like to do either way, right now
anyways. The real question is, is there any thinking I can do now which
will help me out with her later? I guess a little of the thinking and
talk would involve sex, because I'll always want that other until I
believe I can't have it. She just has to say no a few more times for me
to be sure she's sure, I guess. But I think I want it to be my decision
and not hers, and I think I might decide, "no," so it doesn't matter
really. And I may be annoyed for a while at spending money (if I do) on
something disposable (condoms). Tp is disposable too. It's no big deal.
No, it's not.
What of not-directly-sex-related stuff? What exactly do I want to do
with her besides, and how about what does she want to do besides. I
like to help her when I can, and read stories to her, and go on walks,
but I don't do the things that other people do. I doubt I'll ever buy
her flowers (I would grow them), or take her out to dinner (I would
make her dinner), when we could eat at home, or go to a movie, etc. And
I don't feel especially motivated to talk to her always, yet I like to
concentrate on her, and especially when she's focused on me. Yet
sometimes even that is hard for me to do. Like the times when I can
look at her, but she cannot look at me, or she can look at me but I
cannot look at her. But those even are special times. Can we just stay
there holding and feeling and looking at eachother, is that what I like
most? Is that what she likes most? What is the best we do with our
time? Maybe we can figure it out. She finds people with whom she likes
being best, and I likewise-that does seem to be something I like.
Ya! I think I'm done-- what I'll do next, I don't know. Love, COLIN
.