In case someone might be wondering, I'm doing my best to stay sane at the moment. Seems like the lack of dance classes over Thanksgiving threw me for a loop, or maybe it would have happened anyways. There was more written here but I was thinking too much about it, so I took it off. I'm pretty sure things will turn out all right in the long run... I'm not finding much satisfaction in working on this site. Basically, I think I need more things to look forward to: now its only dance class- until I'm exhausted. Maybe something needs to change, or maybe I just need to wait it out. I can't call it depression, because it is embodied by an almost animal energy wanting an outlet. A severe restlessness and a boredom. I feel like sprinting for 6 miles, but I know that wouldn't do it. A long ocean swim might provide the mental release for a while. Unfortunately at work the computer is winning.
Please visit dire [used to be one long file. See entries from about 1996-07-09-2020 to 1996-03-03]. That is an example of my old writings, reading a bit of it can be gut wrenching, at least for me, because it reminds me of how I was, and also incredibly accurately how I am--but to read on an on eventually dulls my interest and emotional involvement. Back then I thought to love someone would be the most sublime.
I carved the name of my idealized love on an abalone shell. It is so bizarre to read that stuff because it takes me back day by day, to people I have forgotten, experiences that meant so much, but that I have forgotten, to places I used to live in but now could not recall without that writing. There are many more KBs of that stuff, stuck on assorted non-working computers in other peoples' control, I may be able to get some of it back someday, but would I really value it?
Dire expresses so well an emotional intensity I want so much. It is in some way sad to me that I have succeeded to some degree in taming my experience- making it more pleasant. I think my focus has been so much on concentrating experience, the experience of concentration -which is not necessarily emotion-involving, but is an effective escape from bad feelings.
I have to leave now for a dance rehearsal-- not really have to, I want to write more of this, but I know to spend the evening here typing and dreaming away would leave me with an empty, 'so what?' type feeling. It is good to get out of my cave and out of myself for a while.
Even though I have just gotten started. I think I'll be back in about three hours.