It's 11:20 p.m. now... That last part was written Monday, after having gone to two dance classes. My mind was in that state- I knew I wouldn't be able to sprint 6 miles at that point. By Thursday I was back to my 'normal' self- work was interesting, and I had the appropriate level of physical (not from lack of sleep) fatigue. I actually didn't go to dance class that day, and stayed at work till 5:30 or so. In some ways it is disturbing that my interest in the way my life is now is that fragile (disrupted by three days without dance classes), but it is much better than before. This time I have a solid idea of what will make me better. I've begun planning for Christmas holidays and long dance class hiatus, and some options have come to mind.
I could hang out at the roller rink/get other dancers to come rollerskate also. I can go to Nutcrackers (and see the dancers who are in my classes!). I can go to the Carmel Yoga Center (Jane suggested this) they even have a class on Christmas morning, I believe she said. I don't know where that center is yet. Frank mentioned aerobics classes. And I can just go try to dance in the gym at the sports center, but I would need some music. I like computers again, and might possibly make progress on this site. I'm taking the next two Wednesdays off to use up PTO that would be lost by end of year. PTO is paid time off. This upcoming Wednesday I might go to $Iris' morning dance class (if she lets me) and work on finding support for the Carfree Institute/ a carfree project in Monterey County.
It's Sun Dec 03 05:54:22 PST 2000 now. I was going to head out for a run- so to have time to recover before 1:00 dance class. I hope to get going soon. But too many potentially interesting to express thoughts were running through my head.
The first image is that of a woman dancer's... well I was going to say labia, but I know that's not right. (To provide some context, I woke up not long ago from interesting dreams, it is dark, the sky is clear, the stars are bright, and I'm still in that wonderland sort of state) To be more clear, she's wearing a leotard or tights of some kind, which press close to the body and the outer lips (maybe that's right, outer labia) of her vagina will be visible to an audience member from time to time. For the men it's no different (different in an obvious way actually). Recently I've been given the opportunity to confront the challenge of wearing white tights for a dance recital, which interestingly I've been inviting just about everyone I know to it. Perhaps if I had known what wearing white tights was like earlier, I would have been more reserved? I think some guys double up on their white tights to make them less see-through. I got some milliskin ones and some plain nylon tights-- doubling up is sort of wimpy actually. Unfortunately with those, the nylon ones have the seam down the back and the milliskin ones down the inside of the legs. In addition I got XL nylon tights which I found out later that day even the XXL capezio men's nylon nights are too small. Wearing both together moving feels the tightness of the too-small tights. The XL milliskin is nice to move in, though makes one's foot in the ballet slipper a bit more slippery. Today maybe I'll try cutting the feet off those nylon tights & still wearing them under the milliskin, two seam lines and all. Why wear two layers? Mostly I think it is because the spots on my skin show through the white milliskin, whether moles, old spider bites or acne on my butt. A darkness near the butt crack is another color variation I do not like. Hmm. Don't you wish your problems were so superficial? My only complaint other than those is that the fat wrinkles in your butt can show up when you (I) bend backwards. I wonder if that is the effect of having had more fat there at one time and then lost it. It's hardly noticeable, and I suppose that doesn't really bother me. I probably could dance naked or just with a dancebelt, but it would be best if I weren't the only one doing that, and the audience wasn't many people I know in Monterey (which I personally invited)? Ok, I think that's enough. If I can take care of the tightness issue (by cutting the feet off the nylon ones, I hope), it's really not that bad. I did wear speedo-type bathing suits, and why should a dancebelt and see-through tights be that different?
It is interesting how much this is about the body. And white tights, or at least the milliskin, seem to put everything in such hi-definition compared to black cotton. Muscles and everything else. I think because shadows are so much more easily visible.
I got to watch some professional male ballet dancers last night, and amazingly enough they were all wearing white milliskin (one layer, with dancebelt). So that was nice to see. Of course they also did things like fling female dancers repeatedly into the air and over their heads, etc., etc., it will be a few years before I reach that level, and I'm not sure if I want to deal with the strain of all that lifting of female dancers (even if they are small and skinny). Sexual dimorphism.
Mostly that is about it. I've been working on an piece of language to submit about dancing and why I dance so I can not have to pay as much for dance classes at Spectre$ Dance (scholarship). I was given this opportunity long ago, but have not been able to write something I liked, though I spent a lot of time trying--basically about why I dance. But now I think I have something by making a collage from all the old stuff I have written about dance and other things (some from this page, some from other places). I was thinking knowing that this could be read by Iris$ of SpectreDance$ might affect my writing from now on.
It seems like it is not. Partly because she seems similar in some ways to my old girlfriend, Rebecca, who, while might express interest in what I've written here, I sincerely doubt she would ever read this. Part of that is because there is a lot written here. And both those two strike me as busy people, who are unlikely to search this out and read it the whole way through. Rebecca could search for her name. Iris$ would have to know her name to do the same thing...
I paid $30 to see a Smuin christmas ballet performance. I had dallied after dance rehearsal out at Fort Ord, resting and stretching, (so there was not enough time to go home first) and I did not have any pants with me so I got to wear my blue shorts with long underwear, while most everyone else wore their nice dress-up clothes. I got to sit right in the front row next to Diana, I think her name is, a dancer from the Carmel ballet academy.
Btw, there are some really good dancers at the academy, but a lot who are not. At Pacific grove art center, there appear to be more really good dancers than those who are not. At SpectreDance, there are all sorts.
When the performance was over all the folks around me stood for the choreographer and dancers, and I did not. I don't think I am so different just for the hell of it. But I tend to not do things simply because everyone else is... There were some pieces in the beginning I would have stood for if they stopped after those. Honestly, though it was fascinating, I did not really like the end. And it does not move me like a symphony could. I only thought of all this later. At the time basically my only thoughts were 'everyone around me is standing and clapping.'
These are technical athletes, and it is only rarely that these people get beyond the circus show/las vegas glitz/drama-type superficiality and express real emotion in their dance. The choreographer can destroy/lessen the effect of an earlier movement by using the same steps again in different contexts- innappropriate meanings now being associated with a particular distinctive dance move. Consider also they did the same performance at 2:00 pm this same day. They do it over and over again, no doubt. They danced for almost 1 hour 45 minutes total. That must have taken 1000s of times that long at least to choreograph. Our dance for the recital is what, two or four minutes long, and we spend how many hour/two hour blocks on the weekends working on it?
It is amazing to think of the quantity and intensity of physical activity these dancers do. As I was sitting there waiting for it to start, and during intermission, I could see their feet whisking about just below the closed curtain... Could it be they were practicing? They had just finished another performance four hours earlier. I would be resting. And then they really do super human things, reminding me of that story (fiction) of those two dancers in a totalitarian state who were weighted down with weights so they would not be different than normal folks. But they would still dance, and one day they broke free of their chains/weights, and flew to the ceilings in their leaps...
The other frightening thing was that so many of these dancers seemed to have trained from childhood to be dancers. I guess I say frightening because I could almost see that they were the little kids whose parents raised them to be dancers. Why frightening? I think because I love to see individuals who have put a lot of effort, and I suppose had to work hard at, creating their own way of living. When I see people who give me the impression that they are either doing what their parents wanted them to be doing, or who have known what they wanted to do since they were a kid, I shudder a bit. Perhaps I cannot really relate to them. And I sense an emptiness or an impending emptiness in them. Perhaps I think that it is good to have really struggled with how one should live (though I would probably prefer to have avoided it). Maybe it is I think that way is good and desirable, but I know that because they have not gone through what I have gone through, they may still have to face what I faced for the first time.
This has been another attempt to explain an emotion in words. I suppose I do this because I would like to be loving and appreciative of as much as possible, so when I am not, I hope that by trying to understand why I don't think something is wonderful, I may be able to find a way to appreciate what I'm seeing/experiencing?
They had tap dancers (and one incredibly impressive one) for heaven's sake. (Without question I could learn something from taking tap dance, but not sure if I will- I need the rhythm, but am not really drawn to it).
I read into some of the dancer's expressions, especially when they all came out to bow at the end (is that the curtain call?), an emptiness/ a vacantness-- and one of those from the male in the partnering dance that I thought the most emotionally/expressively well-done earlier.
Jane is a ballet instructor at MPC- she is the one I was talking about earlier inviting to go roller-skating. I need to remember to ask her and other dancers about that next Saturday (last class).
Here's a feeling: going last as the dancers go across the floor and being unable to remember how to do the steps correctly, even though you just saw it five times and practiced it as much... I could do it on my own without music later... Its easier to make it across the floor if you have someone to go with, but I should be able to be able to do this on my own. Iris$ does not stop to help (I'm not suggesting that she should), and I stop (something you probably shouldn't do) partway across the very short floor. That is a biting moment. And they go on.
It happens in Jane's class occasionally, but she will stop (or she has stopped) and make me do it again, which is nice. To suck this stuff up and move on seems to be an accomplishment. But why do this when it obviously does not come easily to me? For one it is emotionally challenging and difficult to face socially embarassing situations--for g-d's sake, this makes me feel! Remember that deadness of experience has been / is one of my greatest complaints. To some extent pain is better than no feeling at all. That's pretty sad, though, but mostly, I just want to be better, I think. I will put up with less than ideal environments if I think it will help me be a better dancer. This is only within reason and under certain circumstances of course. In some ways, I'm not certain though, I think that sort of emotional challenge makes me stronger. Knowing what it was like, I can (1) be careful to keep it from happening again--either by remembering or just by continuing to move, or (2) The feeling is less of a shocker, so I may be more likely to continue to move in some way in the future? Obviously I don't want that feeling often. Zajonc (zience?) and the Cockroach studies. Cockroaches run faster towards light when other cockroaches are watching/present, than when there are no others around? One who has mastered a skill will perform better with an audience. One who is learning a skill will learn better alone? There will most always be others around when I am learning, so this does not really matter, but interesting to be aware how the presence of others (perhaps focusing on you) affects one's performace.
Jane has an expression when she dances- maybe because she's not doing it all day, over and over. She also has a sort of fake smile that she wears, but it doesn't seem really fake, compared to some of the performers, and perhaps, the smile that Iris$ wears.
Iris$ seems to be most herself when expressing intensity... I don't usually feel rapport with her. Perhaps she is similar to Milou at Pacific Grove Art Center. Kira is Milou's mother, and is 89 or something like that & a former ballerina. Milou is maybe 30 or 40 something and teaches the advanced classes (with Kira's help). She has a fine figure and appears to be a very good dancer. Kira seems very approachable to me, Milou seems to have a similar curtness about her like Iris. I can't really say though.
I do respect Iris, she just seems unapproachable. Interestingly she will express what I think really is sincere concern at times. I wrote this bit before but took it out. I may as well leave it in. I think it is safe. This is from Mon Nov 20 07:53:45 PST 2000.
I am not sure if this rigid structure is for me, but it is definitely an experience and a challenge. The scratching of the ideal is just that while she is capable of expressing what seems sincere concern for me and others, on the other hand she will also be very absent-minded and forgetful of things that are important to me and others...
...
Anyways, she is good, and I do value her classes and time and what she has done. I could talk to her about this, but there's probably no need to, and so often she expresses that she feels rushed (and she is doing so much, at least on certain days, and especially while she's at that studio dealing with 10s of students). Her way of being does remind me a bit of Rebecca: almost always remarkably well and sane and driven (other instructors will be more moody), and capable of expressing good love and concern, but also making you feel that she could (almost) forget you in the next second.
Whereas I on the otherhand seem to brood over or ponder almost every potentially significant interaction. Sometimes I try to emulate the Rebeccas and the Irises though, to try to stay focused on what is important to me... or maybe I don't do that. I've definitely learned a lot from Rebecca's attitude towards life, and her solid, strong example has helped me.
I suppose I keep coming back to this because I want to be able to feel love for people, and do not like it when I do not. Every other of my instructors I can so far really feel love for (only perhaps because I have not spent as much time with them, or been in such sticky (emotion-fraught/embarrasment-fraught situations with?)). Or its because what I'm doing with her is perhaps so intimate, strange, unbeautiful (yet life), that there really is not enough distance.
I did have that feeling (referenced in 'scratching the ideal'), though that was more a sincere respect, than a feeling of love. I think maybe I know what it is now. Most other instructors seem to express in some way, "I know how it is to be you and value what you are doing." Of course if I am slow, some will only be so patient... Perhaps what's happening with Iris is similar to my experience with Frank (it was so hard for me to catch on to what he tried to teach me in his 'afro-latin-carribean' dance class). Iris will recognize when she thinks I do things well. She will make technical corrections. She will say things like 'it is important to express these sorts of things' (we were talking about my current outlook on life), or 'you express who you are in your dancing' (something like that). But... maybe you understand the 'but' right now. Other instructors seem to express more of themselves? She does not have as much to express? She lives life on a different level, so I do not understand what she expresses? I don't have more to say about this right now, and perhaps not ever again will.
Maybe this is all a great fiction I'm creating. The feeling is there, and what might the reasons for it be. Amusing, or sad perhaps to spend all this time wondering about this when I could just call her up and talk about it. Or go on my run, get to class and studio and spend a bit more time with her/ talk with her there. I don't really want to that. Do not perceive reward from effort. Feel like attempting to express my feeling in this relationship? Because a change in the feeling would not change the fact that this feeling has occurred, and that the feeling has occurred says something worthwhile to consider.
I also want to think about what I'm going to do with dance in the future. Will I stay with ballet, or go to a kind of yoga Jane was mentioning. I do like the music though, in jazz and modern & ballet especially. Where will I take class? Will I perform? Will I wear white tights? I will probably keep dancing with music. Beyond that there is not much to consider. I probably won't audition for Cinderella on the 13th so I can continue to go to Kira's class on Wednesday evenings. I also want to encourage (translation: make them aware of the possibility) some of the guys I know who spend a lot of time working on getting into/staying in shape (and who are in good all-round shape) to do this as well. I do think dancing is another level of physical fitness, compared to just swimming, running, biking fast and lifting weights- or such a more creative and alive way to spend time (though all of those are fun and currently I find/have found a lot of value in all of them). Some guys/women are really into triathlons/soccer games and so on. One of the most fascinating aspects of dance is becoming able to move in new ways- whether by becoming more flexible- being able to bend one's back or leg in ways one could not before, or developing the coordination / neural connections necessary to do that strange jump or to balance on an extended foot (that seems to be also largely an issue of developing strength). Well, that's it. It's 11:30 or so and I don't really have time to run any more- maybe for a bit.