Sat 09 Feb 2002 14:44
<napping> 
1530 I'm tired. tireb 
In my free time since god about 2140 last night I've been doing few other than think about past and imagine future interaction with someone I met at 2030 yesterday. She's Joanna/(Yoanna)/Asha. I wish I were not so easily distracted; that I had been able to fall asleep earlier than 0030 this morning; that I did not wake up again at 0430, and then not sleep so well until my time past which I am not likely to sleep (0530) because of similar thoughts. I have rested a bit now, so perhaps shall be able to write and 
get 
this 
out 
of 
my 
process 
 
time will cure me of this problem. It is only a question of how much more distraction I may subject myself to before returning to baseline. 
This stuck focus does mean something important happened and potentially could happen because of Asha. 
I feel almost as if she took out a three and a half foot two-by-four and whacked me solidly on the side of the head, without me seeing her do it, and without causing physical pain. I was left thinking something may have happened but not sure what, or of what magnitude. 
A good deal of this is also me wanting this sort of thing, wanting to understand what's going on when this happens, and to feel somewhat able to recognize these situations coming and better control them to desirable experiential effects. 
Which is what did not happen at all. 
Which is what did not happen at all. 
 
The day should be put in context but I may never finish this writing. First I have been dealing with the effects of self-exposing writing, which, perhaps to anyone but myself, there may seem to be little here to get excited about. 
 
I have been finding that some of the best reading I've had lately has been my old writing (see, for example, 1996-03-19-1036). This is unlikely to be true for others besides myself, but it may mean that others can write things that they will find, later on, to be moving reading. Supposing I write about topics which people generally do not publicly discuss--and I do. I am seeking to provoke something in myself by publishing it here, where it could be read by anyone, but which, thank goodness (perhaps) is read by very few others, if anyone besides myself. That simple chance that these things could be read by others who know me has an effect. People generally do not masturbate or nose-pick in public, and are embarassed about erections that just happen because of subway vibrations or what have you and could be noticed in public. People are not likely to discuss their concerns about aspects of experience related to certain topics usually perceived as embarassing or subjects of ridicule, even though these realms of experience may contribute or detract significantly from the quality of their emotional experience. If any of my audience has read my old writings they would see that I repeat myself often. Getting myself to talk about these things--I referred to in the past, I believe, as "tearing yourself apart." Tear yourself apart.

I may be getting closer to formulating some process which could be described as approaching experience as a design problem. That is, I would be able to identify or delineate certain processes that I am doing in my experience art, and have some idea of how these different process might contribute to a greater mastery/range/power in the art of experience. I first got the point of "tearing myself apart" by seeing how profoundly a website of a coworker of mine (see the history of the being group) affected me--this guy made fun of his fatness, lazyness, stupidity. That might be common in bad stand-up comedy, but web site writing is not stand-up comedy. Later, perhaps, I went after what just messed me up. Could I use "the experience of fucking a dog," to illuminate a point I was making; could I discuss "thought change during masturbation"; could I write about relationships which were currently happening, knowing I might dismay the other or somehow disrupt the relationship? What else was there? Oh, the labia business and assorted discussion of sexual focus, status eunich, and perhaps others I've forgotten--talking about feeling fat, or more recently stained teeth and chest aches. To be sure, nothing that will make me famous, but if I can feel comfortable writing and discussing in certain areas, it broadens my ability to affect my experience with myself and with others. (Let's make a magazine--ee cummings?) 
 
I only have 45 more minutes writing time at this computer since I did not bring my laptop with me today, and the bldg closes at 1700. I have books I could read, future I could contemplate, wandering around I could do, but it seems this is what I think is most worthwhile. 
 
I've kept notes on a little memo pad with a cute dog picture on the front of notable aspects of daily experience. 
 
Oh, if anyone wants help setting up a site similar to this to write about their efforts with experience, please ask! (should put that on \about page) 
 
Yesterday, thoughts about notable experience. 
 
First though, why no picture taking? Writing seems to be a more efficient experience recall aid than photography. What if it becomes possible to keep footage (possibly even holographic footage, like in foundation series, asimov) of every waking moment? Last night there was a woman watching Asha work me and me being played, and my compulsion--I wish I could find her and ask her what she saw. 
 
I've mentioned him before-- but I met a person, an aspiring writer, I think who kept a tape recorder with him to record conversations to get a better idea of how conversations really went, instead of trying to remember them. 
 
In my attempts to keep things simple and to reduce time spent with the past, I've not yet worked with either of those possibilities, though they are becoming more simple and feasible to easily do. 
 
But because I want to be open to experienceing things as they happen, as opposed to always feeling like I am capturing events for future analysis (which now that I've gotten my writing system in place, it seems I might fall into). However, the farthest my experience-consciousness has gotten is remarking on the recent past, "wow, that conversation with Carmen was good and special." or, "Something happened there but what the hell was it?" 
 
Perhaps this is an early stage of experience art or experience as a design problem? ? I definitely want to have to deal with new challenges which will require examination, consideration, and practice to master. ? 
 
I think I will bail on this now. Perhaps when I return I'll be off this meta strain. 
Maybe Asha and I will embrace again. 
1648
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