Tue 12 Feb 2002 18:38
I have added dreamer to the docs directory. As well as a link to my old writings page until I combine/reorganize sites. Note that I decided not to apply to the CUNY sociology program, but the dreamer statement describes some aspects of my thinking that have not been mentioned on any of my sites before.
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Tue 12 Feb 2002 17:26
Return to falls church like the closes in various chapters? Quiet times, contemplative times?
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Tue 12 Feb 2002 15:40
A few things are becoming clear:
(1) I am more self-conscious about this site than is warranted, because
(2) Few besides myself will have the patience or interest to read the journal sections of this site
(3) I should talk with Rachel again
How can I interact with others in a meaningful way. It really is not hard and does not require extensive analysis. At the moment, I am relatively quiet, and am in a reading mode, thankfully. Reading "Birth of the chaordic age" by Dee Hock, and "Remembrance of things past" by Marcel Proust.
But, I have
(1) Met with Asha again. And had a good time, been attracted to her, felt love for her, and interest in her, and she is friendly and interesting.
(2) Audrey the lifeguard has introduced herself to me, and when asked how she was doing, said, "Life Sucks." What that means for her I have not ascertained.
(3) Used words simply because they feel wrong, different, non-cliche (ex: faerie, embrace, ??).
(4) Audrey was the name of the lifeguard at the pool in Monterey as well, who expressed interest in me and we went on a walk one time, with the result that I decided that one time was enough!
(5) So, the following day, I gave Audrey the NYC lifeguard a note containing the essence of my meaning-in-life research (things to look forward to, things to enjoy remembering, things to enjoy in present), and some other details, including a reference to Joyce Vedral's book "Get rid of him," and references to my site.
(6) What will happen now?
(7) Direct from Carmen: her thoughts about having sex with a guy, are probably not different from mine on the matter. It is possible to contemplate, but not to relish the thought of. She even mentioned the word, "disgusting."
(8) I'm afraid I came off a bit too arrogant the last time I saw Asha. Of course I know my impressions are most often very wrong! It seems I was right that she has a way with people at least, and was happy to meet me. She herself is perhaps unusually friendly and open and encouraging of hugging, and this is perhaps what threw me for a loop. The thought has occurred to me that how she might act and what she thinks/says about how she acts are two different things. Or, what she intends to express and what is perceived are different things.
(9) I rested in Dance Studio E in the dark from 9-10pm on Sunday. It was special. There was a performance there that Beverly might be interested in. Visit tinafactor.com. Her story is somewhat sickening to me, what little I know of it (I was resting, not watching). Because I think it is not over, in that she is not yet being true to herself. Asha's history has parallels. Well, I just feel that she is not being true to herself in converting to Judaism to be involved in a relationship. Judaism is beautiful in a way. But having contemplated how to best appreciate that beauty, I decided it would never be mine since I was not born into it. Exclusion. Asha considered and seriously researched Islam (converting to Islam?) when seriously involved in a relationship with a man from Jordan(?).
(10) This site needs more organization if it is to be used for what I have been using it for. A place to refer people to so that they may learn about me and how I got to be the way I am. A Keith Faq., A Colin Faq.
(11) Sunday was Nirvana. Why? I've forgotten, but suffice to say,
(12) Things are icky, sticky, mired now.
(13) I have spent more time with Rachel, and she is special, and I wonder when I'll see her again. I want to see her paintings. I was attempting to describe Asha, and she suggested, "more yes than no."
(14) Rachel came over to eat and I got to serve her a meal as I would eat myself. She did say she would do it again, but I need to check to see if she experienced any dietary distress later on.
That is perhaps almost it.
A pressing question is whither relationships. Never have I had so many interesting women to interact with. But to love in a more intimate way? Does my outlook preclude...
With rebecca, I realized she never would share my orientations, but there were and are many ways we can share and express love. I think I may need a woman who is like Gordon, If I'm ever to love a woman in the manner of a long-term intimate (& physical) relationship. She's got to be a dreamer, a visualizer, who can tell incredible stories, and imagine wild things.
Otherwise, I will go off by myself to do that.
Asha sounded somewhat taken aback at the personal focus of my project.
Sunday was Nirvana because it was such in so many ways an affirmation of value for the way I am. (1) Dee Hock's book seems to express an orientation very similar to my own: he opens his book like I opened a paper a long time ago (describing himself in front of the monitor), and he had said to his editor that if he were to write this book, he would have to love the experience of doing so. So much of what he says is what I have said. The same Thoreau quote which (among others) has stuck in my mind, stuck in his. Does the world really need another book? He asked.
Sunday I spoke with Carmen for almost an hour, and got to some places we needed to go by me attempting to express the tale of Asha.
The reason for the magnitude of that experience was that if she did love me, I would not say no, even though I know It would be a lot of trouble (perhaps, to enter into a love relationship with such alacrity). Her quickness and intenseness in her ability to express love. I miss Asha already, in that we greet with a Hug. Carmen and I could do the same.
I spoke to Bill, I spoke to my parents.
I had a good time cleaning house.
I had a good time with Rachel and shared my way of eating with her encouragement. I saw Asha again that night and did manage to ask about Friday. And as so often happens the two experiences were quite different. But we went some good places.
And that rainy 15 minutes or so under an awning at the corner of Canal and Broadway at ~23:15, may be something special to remember.
Monday I saw her again at the studio and asked if I might ride along with her on her way home, and I did, and, though I was tired, we had a good, and I'd say loving time.
I really hope she succeeds here, finds a job she can like, and dances like she wants to dance! She really is nice to be with. I hope to call her tonight shortly after 2100, to see if she might want to visit me on Thursday eve.
But here I am. And here I am.
I was also thinking I could work with approaching experience as an artist, and writing about it, since it seems my way is working, that it makes me a happy person, and that people are attracted to that happiness, and so curious about how I am, and so the way I am and my approach to living gets heared, considered, and if good, perhaps affects others.
Since it seems that I could create tools to approach life this way.
But now, and perhaps for quite a while, it will be time to be quiet. If I'm back here tomorrow, of course, don't be surprised.
(one last thing) Looking at my face in dance class in the mirror, I realize I need to love it in order to love others' faces. That seems hard to me. I don't quite love it. It is somewhat crooked, different by halves, like everyone's, but noticeably. And other things. It is a face, and I don't have to look at it too often. It works well. It is useful.
I sometimes, focusing on the conversation, there are so many rules I've learned and follow and am conscious about. How to choose an eye to look at and to watch it. The smile on my face (ah, is it perhaps too forced now, too false looking, how should I look?), the yes, umhums, etc., too many?
Talking with Gordon though, we did not face eachother, but the clouds of gnats in their morphogenic fields swarming overhead instead.
Such a hightened awareness of what may or may not be going on.
Simply, I need to spend more time with folks, the great ones, and get more comfortable.
Or, when I talk and talk and talk, and even tell the same story again (argh! as with Rachel). Carmen and Beverly are older or my age. Rachel and Asha are probably both in the 22 range. So is Audrey. Those who've not been with me think I'm young, 23, it seems. Others think I'm older- say 28? But then I misjudge others' ages as well.
Silence. and I'm saddened that there is not really substance here. That this does not draw people in, nor say/express things concisely. That this is what I'm writing.
I should read my books. Spend time with these new friends, and find a better way of presenting this site, and my older creations.
And see Asha again.
Love-
1651
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