Mon 01 Apr 2002 16:20
Personal fitness trainer job? $15-$35/hr?
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Sun 31 Mar 2002 17:36
Hello!
So many amazing things, I'm not sure what to make of them. Progoff, leonard, murphy, Wilber, Ilene, Johanna, Beverly, Carmen, Anias nin dostoevsky, Organic Soybean Flakes, Grocery Shopping, places to live, thoughts of future, library books, aikido, meditation, _At a journal workshop_, Catechism of the Catholic Church, church, grey skies, friends, women, solitude, isolation, self, love, money. Location, places to live, loud music- having to call the police.
the noisemakers are in #56 611 w. 137 st. Need to find the superintendant's number.

Not bad music.

Just gave sarah a message.

I've gone over this before. Progoff's dialogs with relationships, life work, body, society, and ??
I don't want to talk with my relationships. I have no clue about them, but perhaps I should not have one?

Clearly I wish to love these women. In someways I am ambivalent? Or have both death and love motivations? One wishes for family and children. I would not have her any other way. What of those women who don't, and who I would not have any other way?

I will make a point to ask to talk with Ilene sometime should I see her again, probably next sunday. I was somewhat terse with her today, because I just wished to swim, not talk. She still/again says things like, "It's gloomy out." She definitely wishes to talk, but what am I supposed to say to that? I said, yes, it's been that way a lot, and I'm getting used to it. Or I could

someone rang- the police? I messed up with the intercom, so am not sure. Police to protect me from dogs and amplified music.

Or I could have said yes. Not a nice way of looking at it. Well, perhaps next weekend will progress further with Irene, or at least perhaps make an arrangement to get some time to talk with her where I'm not distracted by my desire to swim!

I guess I could have banged on the door of #56 much louder, much much louder (I did try), and saved the police a trip. I could also ring their buzzer- their door buzzer (from the intercom).


I've gone over this before. It is in the issue of progressing in a relationship with a woman, I should admit. For many people it does involve being suitable for marrying and having children with. For others it does not. I wrote in a letter to the englishes about how I got down on myself because, I thought, I could not see myself in a boyfriend or husband role, and so was somewhat or quite lost how to behave with respect to some women. I obviously do wish to progress in these relationships, but ...
The difficulty was due to the perspective (generalized other) I was evaluating myself from: white, christian male (or perhaps female). Yet in spite of my failure to see myself in the boyfriend role, other women, with their own perspectives, seem to at least value spending time with me, whether or not they see me in yawn....

To some extent I'm pretending I'm writing a progoff journal [monday I will get his books from the library--going from articles on his website at the moment]-- which is really, the only psychotherapy type activity I'm really happy with. I cannot believe I never heard of it until now. That musaif, musharif (_against therapy_) guy should have known about it and presented it as a solution.

The progoff journals are supposed to be totally private, which this is not--but are there things I would not talk about because I know they could be read by others? I don't seem to have come across anything like that. The major barrier seems to be do I wish to spend time writing about something perhaps not pleasant to contemplate.

I would also like to make more money.

I am reluctant to commit to a profession--though Asia inspired me with respect to physical therapy, and I do think that could be a fun and interesting way to make a living. This is perhaps where the death motive comes in. at times, it seems, I wish to simply do nothing incredibly well. Maslow said somehere I think that the individual who consciously chooses to not be all s/he can be is headed for depression or something else horrible. In wilber's or leonard's books, or murphy's? Yet there is something Crock about all this human potential, human development talk, I believe.

I will spend time with these women making clear my lack of direction, commitment to a profession, and, thus, some inability to commit to a relationship involving high rents and/or children with them, and some of us who fit well with that orientation (Carmen), and some who might not (rebecca?).

In the meantime, I will continue to raid the library, and now, perhaps spend hours meditating, sleeping, listening to icecream trucks, finding a new place to live, working on Hal's research study.

Would I wish to be a writer like wilber? I somewhat turned off by people who set out to be writers. For them writing seems to be an end in itself, a means to make money, and as such it is difficult to say that they felt what they're writing is really worth saying [rather, worth other people hearing/reading]. In addition, they are more often guilty of saying too much, and saying the same things over and over again, than saying just the right amount. Leonard comes to mind, and Wilber.

Yet, the thought of writing to have no face--foucault.

Hmm. Yet, I really wish to love these women in the way they wish to be loved--to some exent, with respect to Johanna, who has emotions, love, and longing easy for me to "feel with"/empathize, maybe I am living, or getting life/meaning, emotional content from the emotional content she gives to certain ideas of how she wishes to live? And likewise with my work for money--I get my motivation to do a good job because it makes hal happy and he wishes to progress on his studies, which I would have little interest in doing if left to my own devices.

What would I do if left to my own devices. Given a living wage to simply do what I wished year after year? No doubt, I would dance. The time I spend working would be devoted to spending more time progressing in dance. The rest of the time? That is the time most valuable to me, and why I do not spend the rest of my time now in dance classes, (money partly), and also because I wish to spend time with my mind or bodymind, and see what it will do. It is as if there is a content there which is fascinating to watch. I got a bit of this when spending more time than usual meditating at the pool this morning--an wonderful place. Ilene left early to go to church--another churchgoer--fine--hemm.. I wonder what will happen with me and her,

And I wish to have a family and do family things, and be traditional, and eat meals with family sitting at a table (not laying/sitting at a mat on the floor--though sitting on the floor like the japanese, I would probably like), have family holidays.

The death wish in me is not going to carolynn's wedding in yosemite. If my mom buys me a ticket, I would probably go. Is that strange? not really, clearly I have decided it is not worth the trouble involved, and if my mom buys me a ticket, it is less trouble, and I'd probably go. Though it is perhaps an immature approach (from a white christian male heterosexual perspective, and possibly many others). So perhaps it is not a death wish, but knowing the experience there to be unknown, and me having little control over it--one of a mass-- and having experience with events that may be somewhat similar, asilomar family reunions, I have reasons to believe it not worth the trouble, though i know being present at weddings and funerals and such are to some extent how many define family/being a family. It's not a death will, but a letting of my mind speak.

And what is this presence I'm interested in feeling an humoring. Friday I wrote on a sheet of paper that I was hearing voices, or a thought in my mind which I would not question "finish the website before you die." And that thought was there, and I would not question it. I had been silent and doing nothing, but thinking, for quite sometime, finally starting work around 12:30.

What is this presence I wish to feel with, and does it, how can it, relate to my wish to love others as well? KW says that from the deep emptiness of certain states of consciousness, comes an intense will to create... KW says, that finding happiness in certain states of consciousness motivates one to help others find that same happiness because their unnecessary suffering makes one intensely sad.

What is this presense? Progoff seems to suggest that it is this presence from which all religious texts have come, and that his process is about getting individuals to create their own religious texts.

Wanting to be with my mind to see what it has to tell me/show me.
my own form of dance which lets the body, reacting, balance, make its own moves. The mind only working in opposition moving the body to do opposites

I wonder if aikidoists can fend off attacking dogs like they can blend with attacking humans. With their use of Ki.

And to be with others' minds/bodyminds, like Joanna's.

Well, not much progress here. I let my mind sleep and speak when it wishes? Would I be happier if I were to rationally define its direction more-- instead of, I guess-- riding intuition.

Waiting for my current job to end, at which point I will have to find another...Letting my mind bodymind read, eat, do what it wishes, seeing where it goes. Possibly my mind would wish to work with Progoff's journal project--and that would lead to a means of making money which moves more to direction of the kind of work my bmind would choose to do if money were not a concern.

So, am I actually going to continue to pretend for my free time that I am a kid in an unschool? Women I interact with will be told this--and while, quite possibly down the road, Thing will work out such that I can pleasantly or drivenly support myself and children, there is certainly no gurantee of that now, and I can't reccommend that they count on such a thing happening, as much as I think I would like it to. And I wish to be more to her, but... such is how my mind is now?

Could I be a psychotherapist, working with progoff's methods, wilber's methods, movement, etc? Being group methods?

And again I come back to wanting to be the thing which everone does not want- to do nothing very well, to not be directed, to flounder around with determination--to continue to support myself, but minimally, to have to deal with amplified noise and dogs (not an issue here- am thinking of monterey)... To do nothing very well. Fury, signifying nothing, except a relish and a belief in the value of doing nothing. A laugh and a smile at the human potentialists, at the conservative achievementists, at the liberal solutionists, a saying to kids everywhere, don't listen to what the old folks tell you, ignore the social activists and progressives, let those driven folks drive away, and relish doing nothing. Wonder, wandering alone around new york city, or wherever. Write and write and write, and have it never read. Think and daydream and ponder and cliche and redund and vague and babble. Sit and do nothing. Lay and do nothing. do nothing do nothing. Over eat and grow fat, Undereat and grow thin, exercise and run madly as one's body wears, and grows. Say hi to women at the pool, get their phone numbers and call them, and wander with them and love them. Dream perhaps, and ponder the ineluctableness of those more difficult to remember experiences. Sleep, and play in sleep. Tell people to pick up their trash sometimes. Sometimes pick up their trash. Ignore suffering, Walk right by suffering, silently, mentally spit in the face of suffering. Stay alert! Play leonard's samauri game. Depress one's self into a stupor. Cut all one's social ties. Kill one's self with gold cyanide at the age of 60, and also ones dog. Alone, isolation, live without tradition. Watch in wonder at the traditions of those who have them. Dance on one's hands. Remember moonlit nights in Garland Ranch Park, remember Kyle, who is now. Live endlessly to spite all those who say that living comes of being born and dying. Make everyone live forever so that the poor fools have to throw out their world-views based on the standpoint and reality of death, and watch the world iinvert.

...

or write and get others to do nothing by having them read it.

Joanna is a paradox. speaking of and evidencing great empathy-she speaks of times and evidences times when she is just the opposite. I love it, and perhaps--no the empathy she speaks of and evidences is often towards people who fit in the category of needing help-- the elderly, the homeless. The opposite was evidenced towards her old boyfriend, in one tale, and in my tale. Needing help from society vs. needing help from her. Though the needing help from her specifically is perceived, quite understandably as coercion.

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