Wed 01 May 2002 08:41
My mom and my sister are somewhat ridiculous. So am I--I won't dwell on this unless they continue to demonstrate it.

I am appreciating the value of a level floor. Thinking it might be a challenge to write in the same room with my mom present, but as she has taken a vow of silence (without realizing it).

mmmm.
dreams- many, but.
importance. Slept well on the same floor with my sister.
Sleeping in the same room with Joanna was a challenge for a while, partly because I kept thinking of her. Reminding me of Imola, where I shared a room with two women, one of whom, would have, and did, with the other guy, whose room I let him have (his own). I didn't want it.
Imagining the next challenge would be to sleep in the same bed with her--I don't know if I would sleep-- but to meditate so. And to not be more sexual than perhaps an embrace, but probably not that,

With my sister, feeling nothing, besides familiar presence, if that. And a greater caution not to make too much noise.

great

waking up, and fo
--considering here writing in the terse verbal imagery style, as I might have used to, I do not wish to any more, wanting to make a readable story.

for some reason remembering joanna- not her body enveloping but lain against mine in an embrace, in her putting her arms around my top she grows longer to do so, in contrast to the more cursory hug, this more sensual one, for in stretching, her surface more closely and more fully meets mine.

Feeling the small of her back through her thin shirt, knowing her hips begin just below.

Thinking when I saw her in the morning I would want to kiss her then, I had not wished to earlier, I actually didn't because, reality? or feeling so drained with an aching left eye.

I wrote,
Joanna, and beaut feeling body-
Go over things to live for -
writing turns them off?
Guests ok [?]
Things to look forward to/live for
focus on--  loved Role @ [?]
Joanna & moved on w/out masturbation.
so can love [????]
Right Structure and Balance.

---
getting out of the routine, here in another place
wanting to
considering these thoughts about Joanna, and how it is something I valued living for,
also seeing how certain aspects of the relationship were valuable, and others became tiresome.
"I find myself zoning out when you tell your stories.."
"You don't care about what I have to say?"
"It seems like you're leaving, you've gone off somewhere, you're not here now.
But definitely there have been times when I've been very interested in your stories."
Finally after she seems somewhat flustered/or sad after rushing to get out of a downpour, she makes things happen/start with an embrace,
and we get where we needed to go that evening.

Seeing erin and john, and being with family, I realize how little I want, have patience for the mundane, and, I don't think I have it in me to make a relationship or a homey apartament primary.

[reminding myself how progoff's dialog method, dialog with relationships/persons, has one do the steppingstones exercise (listing/considering pivotal life points) as if one were that person, and furthermore as taking the role of the other in a dialog]

In this case, I would imagine myself to be Joanna/asia, and consider what happened from her perspective--a self-enlarging exercise, which should be undertaken more. I would go back to the day when we first met, and imagine myself her and interacting with me. I would imagine myself her in the rain under that awning on the corner of canal and broadway

Yes my mom and sister are hopeless (in a certain kind of way). My mom greets me with "Erin needs to be totally absorbed in her studying, we must not disturb her"
"then why are you disturbing her?"
"We should go off on an adventure somewhere."
"He's already seen the whole city."
"I am staying here and studying, so you will have to go exploring on your own."
They are not hopeless in the way I am hopeless- so that in spite of their quietness, they continue to distract eachother from time to time with a frequency of _____

That coldness really is me. [You saw it in that honesty with Joanna: "I've been zoning out when..." But there it was more tender because I was saying "I," not "you." I have been faulted for my father for being too negative when with family so that no one would want to be around me. This is valid fault finding, perhaps not most constructively expressed. I have slipped up a few times, and am sad at myself for it, saying to myself, "Be nice, Be nice, Be nice, patient." Here, with my mom, has pointed out another room for improvement. That reflex to be negative is a holdover from the old days, really only apparent with family (and with Rebecca, when still growing out of it.), but these times I know it does neither me nor them any good, though I might silently realize I prefer an alternative. It does not do me any good, because quite possibly someday I will need to love the existence which I now find fault with. My slip yesterday evening was feigned astonishment and actual disparagement that the stores on the mainstreet close at 5 (except for tuesdays and thursdays).]
[progoff's exhortation to brevity comes to mind--for certain aspects of his journal method--to more clearly see the trends and to bring out key elements in one's life. I can see that as a reason. I have written a lot here, but, like passing thoughts or read books, have forgotten what I've written. I can go back and review, but have not. With progoff's approach it's possible that I could bring about beneficial changes and awarenesses that would not otherwise happen, or would otherwise occur more slowly.]
In time it becomes less expressed because it is already known and expected so not provoked.

when mom gets up to get something, then returns to her chair after pausing to look at you, that is the nosiness of eyes.

So I would imagine myself to be joanna--talking with this guy who has told her what he's been thinking/wondering about her.

I do not embrace progoff's method because I have attempted to imagine how the other sees and feels things and I am quite far off on all occasions. The only way I can write about Joanna's experience of an event, or her thoughts of the important events of her life is by asking her.

Part of the beauty and wonder of interacting with her is that she has ways that are so alien to mine. Whereas I want to talk before acting she expresses things with her body before she does with her mind-- so we are so wrong about eachother, and it is the slowly coming to know the foreign terrain of the other that is the wonderful adventure.

"Tell me, you wanted to give me a kiss back there, when we were..."
"No, I didn't"
and she realizes she was wrong.
[earlier...] I smiling and feel warm, enthusiastic after she started the embracing, as we are venturing back out into the lessening rain, "You look sad..."
"It's hard for me to talk and walk at the same time--to talk about things which require thinking."

"I don't know how you think of me--
she agrees
"I've tried to be clear about how I feel about you"
"Yes, that last email."

and she gets it out eventually, or more of it.

[goto: "Tell me,]

At the same time, I still have this feeling that there is the Joanna which she talks about and there is the Joanna which acts, and I'm not sure how good the conversation between the two is.

I have to wonder if she wasn't (if the Joanna who acts) wasn't planning to sleep on the loft bed that sunday evening, long before she had arrived--she had arrived quite late. Some part of her had considered it. But, then, the only reason she could stay was that she had her work clothes, and I don't know why she did.

And I remember the smile / expression when she was asking if she might sleep and she points with a smile up, two mezzo-staccato (not quite staccato) upward movements of her index finger.

Well she is a mystery to me, and I wonder if we'll continue to find ways to love/value spending time with eachother.
I don't see myself contented listening to her tell stories of her past as she drinks tea sitting at the kitchen table.
We can walk.
Maybe if we sit on the floor- or go outside and sit somewhere. At least walk a little.
In moderation that can work.

Sarah, hard to say. When one can contrast a little physical affection with simple companionship, and somewhat more meaning, I think more of future with Joanna than with Sarah.
But, the interest is the occasions she would say, "I have a car, I'm evil."
or,
"I know you don't like Italian food."
Inferences, made from what I said, which I had not expressed and would not have wished to express.
And that she was interested in the books I read-- not sure how interested.
And that she knows I do not live in music like she does.
And that she is ungirlish, she is less affected than carmen (who creates an image of a kind, but perhaps wants to think she doesn't put effort into her image-- like me maybe?), and somewhat the opposite of Joanna, who seems to embrace/relish her girlishness.
That she is from alaska.
That she could live anywhere.
That there is more she could talk about.
That there are things about me that interest her.
"When was the last time you screamed?"
So somehow she gets places I don't explicitly lead her (and even wish to avoid leading her).
Possibly I talked way too much at the end, but I didn't mind myself talking at that point--it was possibly helpful to me. And it was decent talk, not ummed and stuttered, and reasonably well structured.

That she is living the life of an artist of a pure form, and based on years of practice, focus, desire to follow that path. Her parents are musicians (clarinet, recently moved to Florida). (I expect I idealize here)

That she would swim in the ocean off long island.

I did say to carmen, and perhaps even here, "she didn't excite me as a person" in my first impression of her. "She seemed old."

"How old do you think she is?"

And somehow, even now, I'm unable to give her a substance.

I give her her smile. And her friendly little waves from far off (more curageous and not fearing of non-response than most), waves from the wrist, upper arm and forearm forming a backwards "N" from her body.

And her short hair. She's not a graceful swimmer, or even walker (I don't know how I am as a walker).

Sitting on those steps though, I should have stopped and studied her more, she looked mature. I running up, just a few minutes late. She knows I have so much more growing up to do. My dilapidated sunglasses. My unabashed pointing out of my somewhat less than cool features ("they're safety glasses"). My shirt which needs sewing, and on.

She said, "I need to not keep emotions in." (something like that)
Violin playing doesn't always do it-
The need to scream?
Even pounding on piano keys?
That doesn't do it
I forgot to tell her about screaming in the pool.
this is like disneyland, central park on sunny day in the spring.
She said her work, the one thing that worried her was that not many people were lovers of her kind of music. She thought she might want to try a different kind.

The talk of types of weddings.

She'd been to monterey.

She needed a massage, and I did not oblige, however easy it would have been to do so.

Not comfortable enough in that way?

I have my rituals, my pre-programming of what is not done and done, and only now after stepping back, can I think of a more creative response.

I did call her and thank her before I left. "It was a good time."
Oh I always regret using "it."

the less guarded translation is: "I had a good time with you." (in fairness, I probably said that too, and that last line was said so to avoid appearance of a manaical focus)

"You're the one who's tired."

With some luck we'll both want to meet again. Perhaps with more obligatory psychobabble this time. And then she'll develop more emotional substance?

Carmen had emotional substance--it is her expression of enthusiasm, and her expression of enthusiasm for me/my swimming. Still not sure why sarah is showing up as more of a ghost.

Joanna is staying emotionally fleshed, as I know her better. Carmen has become less..?

Peter is staying emotionally fleshed-- he talks about what's going on inside him.

Sarah did say she wasn't sure about her grant, she didn't want to leave becase she loves where she is so much in NYC. She wishes she could bilocate.

Reminiscent of rebecca in a way, whose concerns seemed so mundane, comparatively complacent. Joanna on the other hand is regularly feeling things intensely (she was crying re dance--she'd had it with it dance/medsch).

But rebecca's concerns were/and are not--she's grasping at a level of intensity?

I would think sarah in music would be more at home with it.

Not sure how to build people in or out of my life--obviously I'll do it when the time comes. When loneliness comes, it tells me to do something. And also knowing that patience works--giving up on Joanna, she did call again and start the renaissance. Giving up on Sarah, she did call again (she did say, "I have your number."), and made a very good time.

When one's daily life becomes populated with people you feel know you fairly well, what then?

These know me better than my family because they (some) share an interest in what I work on?

Family cares only about a certain quality of presence?

What does carmen care about?

Why do we spend time together?

What do we value about eachother?

Is this still good for you?


I hope that is enough on this topic for now, as it is
1100

2002-05-01-1138
Almost.
"And that's what you like, right? Thinking in new ways and..."
J, listening to me tell her about the book I'd been reading. "It's slow going, but it's getting me to.."

That kind of exchange was a special one--she recognizing an activity of mine as valuable because it was valuable to me.(?) Or somehow that she saw value in that value as well? A self affirming experience? Rebecca said, "My relationship with you really helped my self-esteem." (to the effect of that)
That exchange is an example of my thoughts about myself being affected because of interaction with asia?

Another is her saying, "look, after enough people tell you you're attractive, you'll..."
And as a result now I am aware that women who notice me might think of me in a way I wouldn't have considered them thinking of me previously.
In that case it is not an issue of whether I think myself pretty or not, but whether I think others might think I'm pretty or not. My skin is healing itself.

How can I have that effect on others? With Joanna, I've told her outright, early on, why I think she's incredible, and I hope that's been good for her.

That not-returning-my-calls incident still makes me feel like a little kid.

and I said to sarah I couldn't think of when I might feel like a little

erin's change of voice when talking to john and when not
fascinating to listen to--longer more modulated, softer endings of each word, more sing-y tone?

2002-05-01-1345
My mom gave me _Nothing but the truth_ a book for Junior Highschoolers by Avi.

to read, which I did, just now. It is a fascinating book. Reminds me of the sound and the fury, faulkner. It is a tradgedy. I can't think of a well-done tradgedy, that wasn't by an ancient author, but I'm not trying very hard.

It is a condensed education in media literacy. More effective in a way than that studs terkel hosted documentary I saw in 1998. It encourages perspective-taking, while emphasizing how limited any one perspective is, while emphasizing how people can be (are) caught in systems larger than themselves, in which different values are defined as good.

The teacher character is quite interesting. By all accounts she did a good job, but she is bitten by the system that she literally helped to create.

what would the effect of reading this book be on a junior highschooler?

To help them realize what a mess they are all caught in, and how imperfect communication is? The book does not suggest a better system? it simply shows a mess and leaves it that way?

Leaves them with a ton more questions than they had when they started? Stirs the pot...

It does have an effect- It tells you, "watch out!"
a message could be read as: He should have played by the rules, like the coach said. Did any good come of it for any of the characters? The pol got elected.

enough thinking about that book. I should go for a swim if I'm going to get one in today.

and there is still stuff I was working on before. Nice to be able to be unfocused for a while, but do need to develop a focus and progress in that direction otherwise get feeling of flailing./ diffusing.

2002-05-01-1600
Back. something physical definitely seems to be wrong with me. I will have to see the doctor as he recommended. I've never been so easily exhausted? I don't really mind the increase in mellowness. It may just be due to an increase in sedentaryness, decreasing physical fitness, long-term effect of lack of desire to sprint.

in the quaker sunday school the kids were asking what is the difference between a child and an adult (or adults were asking the kids).

"go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." - thoreau (my sister has all over)

am I still imagining a life?

I was contemplating sara saying she felt like a child when... (and I don't even remember!) Something about flowers?

how--and I feel so much of a desire to talk myself, to do more than just smile and nod, grasping for some way to relate to what she said. But I couldn't relate to feeling like a child, I think because I do or try to think of myself as a child. I said so, and I don't remember what she was saying.

grasping at straws for a way into sara I guess I am now.

The balance between sitting back and letting the other say something vs. compulsion to speak, make something happen myself. But as I have no end, but slight modulations in the quality of my experience-

Like with a kid or a child.

I don't understand, and I am tired of this.

The overall feeling after J and Sara was just of a great cloud of unknowing of what the - I am doing with them.

The basic answer is, I know it's good to spend time with people, and I prefer women much of the time, so that's how I end up in these things, but that provides very little direction.

Except the following: wait until one is lonely, then call around and see if one can find company. Or, preemptively, schedule something regularly (e.g., subway rides with carmen), which may satisfy the social interaction desire and never or hardly ever experience loneliness. I prefer the first approach, moderated with a bit of the second, as it seems I have now.

Contemplate having a means of making significant income (preferably without paying war tax--even nonwar money, unfortunately, is all too readily conducive to throwing lives away(?)) which I valued. Would I go so far as to attempt to orient myself to establishing a household with someone? If I'm going to be a diehard wanderer, it would be nice to state that to myself and to others up front.

At the moment, yes, I don't want the security of a stable household, but partly because I have the opportunity to on occasion briefly experience that of my mom and dad, and now, it seems, my sisters and their boyfriends.

So I can spend time with women in transition, and relationshipped women who might have time for an interesting conversation or two.

There is little point in thinking about this really.

Nice to have money rolling in, but also nice to have to really consider the value of what one might spend money on. This computer and related hardware, for example, was an incredibly valuable use of money.

Thinking that eating, warm showers after swimming, dying in fact, are all additional things making life worth living. Sleeping.

How shall I direct myself now?

Also spending occasional time with relatives! (especially when they let me be a lot of the time, this really is an incredible vacation).

Also the interaction with Joanna:
"You wrote you trusted me to make the right decisions with respect to you, well, you decide if you'd rather go outside now or stay here" (to that effect). I did wish to go outside, but she had mentioned not wanting to go out in a downpour.
Thanks to her encouragement, "Yes, let's take a walk."

Things condensed from this meditation?
Wanting always to listen more, to draw these people out more, without me getting into the pattern of talking so much, and occasional monologues. But as rachel said, "Your problem is, so much of what you do is based on so much thought, that to explain something you have to say so much." But I could explain at a level of abstraction--if that satisfies them, then leave it at that.

There are times, as with sara at the end, when I do value the opportunity to attempt to explain something... so in those cases, I may run with it.

But forgetting what said was a time when she feels like a child, I hope to not have that happen again.

Now, what kind of companion do I prefer? I really don't know any more, preferring to work with the different characteristics that come my way without seeking out a particular type. A basic criterion is always the other's mutual interest--so when it seems lacking or dying (as with carmen), ...

exhausted, yet? time to
.