Thu 02 May 2002 10:18
hodie
mihi
cras
tibi

stacey(sp?),
what happened yesterday was not o.k..
I feel compelled to tell you that before getting back to my reading and writing.

(1)There is no point in talking to a drunk person except as a sad form of entertainment.
(2)We live in a culture in which violence of all kinds especially towards women is passively accepted.

I have interpreted what happened as
(a) John chooses to use drunkenness and violent behavior as a coping mechanism (he doesn't know how to productively (or at least, non-violently) express and experience emotions)
(b) For whatever reason, you were involved in a relationship with a man whom most people would label an alcoholic. There is a whole literature and support group movement devoted to those who enter into relationships with people who use drinking as a coping mechanism, and who aid/accept/tolerate such coping behavior.
(c) The police were also aiding his behavior. John should have spent the night in Jail. Instead the police spent an hour or two talking with a drunk man before sending him home in a taxi.

Several of your actions yesterday strike me as mistakes:
(1) Saying "it's o.k., It'll be all right"
    Verbal violence is no more acceptable than physical violence.

I realize there is a potentially touchy issue here. You say he barks but doesn't bite. But you appeared to fear the effects of calling the police yourself, because, "He would go ballistic." I will assume you fear that he will in some way harm/bother you if you act to prevent him from bothering you and your neighbors. He did make some threats which could lead you to believe that. My awareness of efforts to reduce violence against women, child abuse, etc., is that such efforts attempt to create a culture in which violence is not tolerated, i.e., people do not passively accept violence, they seek to prevent and to punish it, if necessary. This requires changes in behavior on the part of the victims, and on the part of those paid to protect victims of violence/prevent violence.

You can't say, "It'll be all right"!! because then it will be, and you and your neighbors will have to deal with a less than ideal environment in which to live.

Of course, there is a cost for that kind of action, discipline, expression of non-tolerance of violence. Who knows, perhaps in this case, it would have been, or could still be your life. But I think, instead, you will find the cost of being firm against violence to be much less than the alternative. In the event it is quite costly for you, those who come after you, in a culture which you helped to make less tolerant of violence, may not ever think to thank you, but they will have a better chance for a life of love than you did. Either way, by not trying, you give up that chance for yourself.

If you yourself practice violence, verbally or otherwise, such a stance may be more difficult, but should be worked toward anyways.

(2) Saying "I'm not going with him any more. Some guys handle breaking up reasonably, others have problems."
No guys should handle breaking up like he did. The thought that you might have known more like him and that you might be allowing for the possibility of becoming involved with more like him relates to (b) above. He was, in a sad way, crying out for help last night. Jail and counseling might have been a start to getting that help. The culture didn't help him any more than it helped you.

(3) Not calling the police yourself when he was ringing all the bells in the building was ridiculous. Obviously, I was too much of a wimp or something to do so myself (fear of using cell phone/ calling 911? who knows--desire to have you solve your own problems for yourself instead of passively waiting for them to grow so big that others had to do something about them?) and relates to (b) above.


Hey, That's about all I have to say, thank goodness!

However, before I thought of writing all that stuff, I thought of telling you about certain books/ideas, and people.

Although this incident has been disruptive to me, the thinking it has provoked in me has been valuable. I could have acted more appropriately as well. This issue has parallels in other areas in my life. I believe I am a bit closer to become a war tax resister, for example. In the future when I encounter a drunk person, I will be quicker to express my sentiment that nothing of importance is worth discussing with someone who is drunk. Apologies are meaningless, especially from a drunk person. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It is more reasonable to expect John will be violent and drunk again soon than to expect he will become abstinent and compassionate.

Apologies may signal the beginning of an effort on the part of the person apologizing to undertake the necessary personal change/increase in awareness to prevent whatever the apologizer caused to happen from happening again.

Most apologies are reflexive and meaningless. If the individual is not drunk, and if one cares enough to take the time, the appropriate response to an attempt at apology is a more thorough discussion of what the apologizer is apologizing for, how s/he believes she is responsible for what occurred, and how/if the apologizer believes s/he could have prevented the damaging event [the process of searching for a word-occurrence/insult/injurious/aggrievance/->damaging] and what s/he will do to make it less likely to happen again.

now on to books and people

It is not the action, it is the concept?


2002-05-02-1344
Maybe I will print out and mail that thing someday-- if I don't get to the library prior to leaving.

Needing to focus on goals. ? or simply enjoying the process of frittering time away. If I rush to finish these books now, I won't have them still to be finished later... so take your time. No need to worry/stress about accomplishing anything. Basic goal being to do nothing very well.

In that vein, it would be nice to be a more effective thinker. For example,  I spent a lot of time this morning thinking about doing something, like that letter above in response to the actions of last night.

Preferably, I could quickly process them an move on. Instead of thinking about them for a good part of my stroll/run this morning.

Erin has some books by Edward de Bono on thinking.

Ah yes: Key: what are the most valuable things humans should be aware of. How should they come to be aware of them? <- consider.
How, in fact do people come to be aware of things/ways of thinking they value being aware of?
How does one assess the effectiveness/valuableness of an awareness?

o.k. time to go swimming.1401

2002-05-02-1646
I'm in the Westmount library. A very well designed and beautiful library.
I was looking at a book on Frank Gehry's work in the children's section. There was a picture of the model for bard college's performing arts center.
I was reminded how I've avoided staying in contact with at least two creative people. One a bard college film student met on a metro north train. The other was a software engineer completing a bike trip from switzerland to bombay (through iran) then to spain and back to his hometown in Arau. I still respect my choice, but the offhand manner in which I expressed it to these two, perhaps unusual. "I can't imagine what I'd do with your email."
"No, I don't really want arrangement to stay with your friend in Aarau." On this trip I'm enjoying experiencing my loner isolationist homeless person leanings to their fullest and do not wish the closeness or the experience of meeting someone so contrived as an arranged -- and I'm not planning to go to that town.
Later though I wish I'd had his contact info, and tried to contact a bike store owner in Aarau for it.

considering a template to be filled in several times each day to capture some of the other areas of experience progoff suggests focusing on.
I have not mentioned that yesterday My Hosts were bothered by my smelling up the whole apartment with my flatulence. Usually that is the least of my dietary problems. I know it was the raw buckwheat--combined with other things. Today is fine. Yesterday a spot of my nose was a bit infected, in spite of nose picking not being a problem. Today it's gone or much reduced. Yesterday I was weak an unable to exercise strongly. Went on a good walk/run when I have not been on a good walk run for a long time. MontrÈal has great hills for running and beautiful things to see, even if the weather has been quite grey and rainy. I ran/walked a long time today as well with more strength. Yesterday evening went out and bought some organic milk in an attempt to reduce my weakness. And My Hosts bought spinach for me--another thing I believe helps--. Today I was much stronger. Aware, however, that I need to have a better exercise routine when I return to NYC.

I am here at this library to actually finish and print out that letter I was working on. I always cringe at doing things like this. I haven't given it to her yet. No need to cringe. No need to actually do it.

Ghery's art is buildings. Messes like this is mine! [someday I shall get myself killed?]


o.k., So, Books and people that for an unknown reason I once considered mentioning to her. Why? She appeared to have many quite large books in her apartment--Salmon Rudshie's ? Umberto Eco? Based on what little I saw of the rest of her apartament, they might just be decoration (epitomizing Gaudi, right down to her choice of chats).

(1st) almost reflexively: joycevedral.com and _Get Rid of Him (not a man-hating book)_
because she exemplifies a female exhibiting vitality and success in many realms. (I only know her through her books, and pictures of her body)

(following)
Ken Wilber and Friends:
Ken Wilber: _A Theory of Everything_, _Grace and Grit_ (does deal with drinking as a coping mechanism-- I have not read the whole thing), and his more academic books.
George Leonard: Aikido: _teachings of an American Sensei_ (something like that) relates to dealing with any type of confrontation in life.
George Leonard, Michael Murphy:
_The life we are given: integral transformative practice_
www.itp-life.org (I believe)
Tony Schwartz: What really matters: Searching for wisdom in america.
The chapter on biofeedback (Elmer Green) relates to "alcoholism"
I'm currently looking into the work of Ira Progoff
www.intensivejournal.org (I believe)

And my mental expedition continues to uncover new ground...
If you are at all interested in theory, you should be aware of Wilber.

Ah, and the chapter on radical feminism in Ritzer's _Modern Sociological Theory_ if you're not aware of the concepts in radical feminism already--

And, places to find people:
Quaker (society of friends) meetings.
Master's Swimming, preferably the AM workout (YMCA @ 6:00 AM?)
ITPers (possibly, I have no experience with them directly--see web site)
Dance or Yoga class?

I really don't expect this letter to be terribly useful to you. But in this case I prefer to make a mistake of action to a mistake of inaction.

best wishes,
Colin Leath
cleath@j9k.com (I hope this is the final word, but feel wrong not giving you a way to respond.)

2002-05-02-1753
I have the document in solid state human-readable form, not much altered from the two sections written above pasted together with a date at the top. Perhaps that will be it?
It is almost 1800. Three hours until it is time to return.

maybe I'll write "experienceart" at the top?

I tried to tell her what I did in my free time--I barely eked out, "experienceart, my life is my art."

this is a performance.

but I shall not sign the paper.

"experienceart" cheapens it? Distracts? Makes it seem contrived?
Adds another layer of complexity? Reminds me of my purpose?

at the end of the second page, then.
the beginning is purposely terse/focused and should not be altered.

[pondring possibilities]

who knows?

now?

many more questions? progoff excercises productive, if I could distill them?

White people in service role. Language issues.
kids computer games
want to play, I'll shoot you?

the need of ability to reflexively (intuitively) write and to be able to deal with having published it.
all the while, every statement is a question.

sacredmirrors.org written at end as well?

wonderful building.

the kid who came up to ask me how much this computer cost, fidgeting as he kept asking more.

high taxes here

stacy's "america is the greatest country in the world."

What makes america great today is what occurred between 1776, 178?
we have a bill of rights. We have freedom of speech. Canada doesn't? Germany doesn't.

Mary Lord's speech.

the last znet.org emailing.

How can we get those people back?

Are the current leaders really lesser people?

the language of course, the mass of population, the cultural dominance of global media. The freedom of movement within the country of its citizens.

Looking at women still, as reflexively as a dog sniffs a telephone pole.

Like that white young man at the highway rest stop, where all the cleaning staff appear mentally impared in some way, who would look up from wiping the glass walls of the entrance way, staring, head pivoting [as a heliotrope follows the sun], at each person passing by.

That one last night in the fancy north face coat--

O.k. I don't think mind can get much more voided than it already is.

De Bono's Six Thinking Hats?
the mag Psychology Today- wilber's discussion of its founding.

Let's eat, then think more about life/world changing ideas, their nature and propogation (beneficial ideas).

1852
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