Mon 17 Jun 2002 15:27
lost experience of meaning leaving work today.
spending .5 hr after 1300 because backing up data/ reading news this am
spending 1.5 hr condom and stretch/resistance band / shoelace shopping. Shoelace bought, band ordered, condoms not bought, money not got from atm since forgot pin.

diffuse.

hating buying things, except food when exercised and hungry,
or perhaps things in thrift stores, when needed.

that I lose it so easily with a small addition of mindless errands

someone in a counseling program emailed me about referencing my meaning of life paper

and asked kerin about cd-burning to backup image work done.

thoughts of sara and sara with child fading thankfully, but still in background/ subsurface(?)

experience of meaning.

now that eating and returned to sanctuary, more at peace...

at ease.

things to look forward to:
violin...

what about dance classes?

the not counseling project.

could/will kick some tail.

refine vision of future with that in it.

long term, and not.

g-d, dance is needed but somehow integrated.

not counseling
not therapy

consider manhattan and its future in vision

work/mindless errands are disruptive, need better way to maintain continuity of thought/focus/self?

when escape was needed, that was appropriate. now it is not.


I shall go to inwood park this eve, or plot?

the reformers in the book last night pretty much spelled out the need for you.

a future around not-counseling, an artist that way?

hal's inuit movie. two dozen individuals living in close relations without state

no people to see, and actually, do not wish for people to see, for they have been distracting me from "that last thing" (see keroac p/c) postcard.

that last thing, which no one ever gets.

rebecca's story about the surgeon woman- in the zone, all the time, worried about the end of her residency, because she'll have time, and what will she do? That kind of zone, the time of her life. She loves it.

I don't want to relax and practice the violin, I wish to contemplate the not counseling future?

1922
I slept and am now eating amaranth, millet, with garlic cloves put in once the water was gone, with raw fresh spinach and some radishes.

recent ejaculation not as strong, considered relation to diet
did milk-drinking help
I hope not.

2006
what would I do after doing not counseling for a while?

let's develop image of ideal day/life to work for:
morning exercise
not counseling work
afternoon violin practice
at least one day a week, a dance class.

I don't need a car to live, to do these things.

satisfaction of doing something which sprung out of one's own head.

live near fort tryon/inwood park?

that works with or without girlfriend/lover/wife/child


long term...
staying here, with self, doing that seems unexciting.
with girlfriend/lover/wife/child,
retains interest.

but to actually put it on my list to get married & have child if it doesn't happen easily without inordinate effort does not seem appropriate.

If I don't get involved in a family sort of way with anyone/two, might wish to work within the academic/formal system, after having spent my time free of it?

[the colon key now has problems in addition to the j key]

if I fail to work with not-counseling, will I go trad counseling? not given .

I do wish to work as a vitality enhancer, have an effect on others like joyce vedral has had on me/carmen/sara.

would like to develop theory for large scale vitality augmentation, but feel like working, now, primarily on the dyadic level (not organizing mass events, not writing books).

excited to find out what system/what advertising will bring the most responses, and the most meetings.

is nyc the place?
my language is english... so yeah.
could try london as well. if it really takes off.

if finding serious market, could work my way down to smaller cities.

english-speaking populations in foreign cities. Istanbul

It would be nice to get away from NYC some time. preferably not to some car-centric place in the u.s..

india.
tokyo.

what about the useful strategies and approaches trained counselors learn?
what were the diffs between the trained and untrained? Not effectiveness, but the trained did not run out of possibilities to explore/ would know more approaches to dealing with resistance to change(?), provoking questions/growth orientation in client.

I don't think we will run out of possibilities. The vitality approach.

Will I need new shoes? Probably not. We're not going to create a business-like image.


So, working on this vitality augmentation in international cities provides continuing challenge if successful with this approach.

If not successful, may go a formal counseling route, but really not sure.

If marital relationships work out, could stay in manhattan for quite a few years, but could possibly also work internationally.

I will not bust my butt to succeed in the traditional academic realm, but perhaps my website, which I shall use to explore and express my approach and thoughts about things could be a significant contribution to discussions of living and vitality.

that all seems rather decent, and giving me of interesting things to occupy me for quite some time. Now a bit of web site work/ violin work, or sleep?

vitality augmentation
vitality maintenance

is the service I am offering one I would use (yes, the free sessions, at any rate, and if I had money, the others). Good to have a creative, knowledgable about alternatives person to work with on some questions.

my demeanor will probably come across as thoughtful rather than joyous?

branding

work on finishing site. first.
love,
colin
hey sara,

2050
my dad has been working in a windowless office for two years(?)

he asked if I'd be coming down the 4th of July.

what with sara... I might stay until she leaves in august? She'll have other trips though. I could go when she'd be gone anyways.

what was the term he used besides moles? work in the dark?
.