Mon 21 Jun 1993
essential lonliness
it is my attempt to explain to myself the actions of others and my own feelings
for me I define it as the fear of never being loved or being able to be loved
it is really, though, the fear of life, the fear of being lonely when you die, the fear for some of not being missed.
it is really the realization that you are different, your mind is separate from everyone else. you are separate from everyone else.
The lonliness is felt when you are alone.
you are home and everyone else has left
you don't turn on the tv
you don't read the newspaper
you just sit.
you start to think about your future or your past. What am I going to do with my life, what have I done
why did I, will I do it?
why am I here?
.
Fri 28 May 1993
the strangest thing happend the other day.
I was driving - and there was a beautiful girl behind me - driving another car.
we were at a stop light and I was staring at her, well, glancing up from the rearview mirror to the stoplight every few seconds. I wish we could have stayed there forever- just me looking at her face and she looking beautiful. She had straight blond hair - she's white, no freckles or moles- to her shoulders and a nice face. Oval and the rest, I'm not sure- her face was all I could see. The light turned green and as I carefully maintained a generous following distance from the car in front, I watched her in the rearview mirror. Then she made a furtive wave-
I tried to wave back, barely succeeded-
but I did because her expression of uncertainty turned to a - beautiful small smile.
I was in mild shock- as I find myself often when glimpsing a beautiful thing.
I feel happy-sad.
Why did she do it- could she see two eyes in the rearview mirror of the car in front - eyes that belonged to that spiky blond head? Probably - or she knew she is beautiful and that guys liked to watch her in their rearview mirrors. I imagine unfortunately that this was probably not the first time.
She passed me by to make a right turn and I could not see her side
-she left me wondering.
.