Thu 21 Mar 1996 20:09
21 Thu Mar 21 20:09:57 I stare at a wall a few feet in front of me, my eyes don't hold on. This is no good now. "Why not just live it?", Vanamee said. I am so quiet now, I can do my data entry, but I wanted to write. Turn the lights off. And I have the light of this monitor. Why not just live it, Vanamee Said. I see the people but we do not say hello, because there are so many of us. In a small town we know eachother for years. If you wear a funny hat today, I ask you about it. Here anonymous, there anomaly. I wanted to write the best story. I call the books I read life, because most often they are my life. There are people who have friends and remember highschool and college as fun, but really they are doing boring things, things I will not do. I want it in its greatest intensity always, and I get nothing because I will not do the littlest things, the mindless things. Is there a place where the people just talk life and religion? I want to share with you the little bit from the Disposessed, where they sat on a dune, talking life. We were at the beach, not quite talking life, not talking life at all, just telling stories. Avoidance or introduction. I see no way to get to the intimate without the mundane. My eyes are giving me the plasma effect, like the strange program on the PC's here that flashes fractal colors when switching programs. I don't know why it does it.

The problem with stories is that they end, and the adventures are not our adventures. They are physically safe, but not the same as if the emotions had been our own. I can't just live it because I have so little to live here, or anywhere, I can make believe, but it is not so good as real people. There is no such thing as the perfect story or the perfect drug, the only real thing is real life. Where is there real life. Real life with real people. Real life with real people is a real pain but can be a real beauty and really exciting. I hope I am boring you to death. this is absolutely necessary. I can go between sleeping and writing, and never have to really live with anyone else. I want a few good friends, and where can I find them. Like the story I make up, that is what I want. I want to be free like a rasin in the sun. Free to follow whomever I find for as long as they will have me. This computer is convenient because I don't have to carry around so much paper. I will leave it soon, because it is a have, and I will not write. You can imagine the imagination, it is not real, but it is my reality. It is hope, and so it is life. You won't find life here.

Some people don't know if friends exist. That is because they have none. A friend is a person who likes to do things with you, who knows why. More then just accepting you, they seek your company, and you seek theirs. I seek only female company, but males are more readily available and more easily accessible. I am afraid most femails are wise to avoid the male, and so we males are left eachother. Although a lot of femails are pretty mindless also. I do wonder if femails seek only mail company but find fmails more accessible. If we were raised without separation, with no secrecy, I believe I would not be asking this question.

How do you find your own people? How do you find your friends? There are only certain few people who will put up with you as yourself, so if you stay yourself, who else could you be, where do you look? I don't know. Why do you look, when do you look. When the lonliness becomes to big and too constant you will go to the outdoor club meeting and check there, and maybe. Else it is just yourself and yourself and whatever stranger you are talking to at the moment. Your imagination and the book you are reading are substitutes only. When we come out of the reverie of reading, I ask why am I reading. The alternatives are worse. I can find the people, but you see, most of them talk religion late at night, and staying late makes early hard and early is the best time to be alive, it is the quietest and most intimate time in the city. In the country though, it can be any time. I will be going there, to the country and the small town. Not the small town, just not the city.
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