Wed 22 May 1996 00:02
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Date: Wed, 22 May 1996 00:02:21 -0700 (PDT)
From: Colin Leath <cleath@u.washington.edu>
Reply-To: Colin Leath <cleath@u.washington.edu>
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What do you think is beautiful? What do you think is love?
I know a lot of stuff is unclear over email- and I haven't even read over
the first two I sent, I was feeling sort of disgusted with myself..
You see alot of you guys have other things to do I guess- you're living
with real people doing real things.
I was trying to decide what living is...it is being with certain people.
the thing is, I don't want to do anything, unless you do (a lot of the
time) I don't feel like going out and climbing a rock or taking a walk,
all by myself, but if you want to go, and with me, that is what I want to
do most of all-
so what is living.
Sara is someone I know from the herb garden, and she mentioned poetry, so
I thought she might be an english major, and we talked about reading.
She says, "I learn a lot from books."
I feel worse about reading than I do about writing, the idea is, that when
you are creating, you are living-
but when you are creating often you work from a past emotion
like I am writing you about what has happend, what I've thought about,
though sometimes it is a little different- in going over that stuff I
typed/copied in, I was attempting to read and comprehend what was going
on, but still we only have our past experience to work with.
Sometimes, creating- I want to draw Adar, sitting in that class, I want
to sit there and look at her and draw her face, her eyes, and I would cry
as I did it. Sometimes, creating, is living, living is emotion, feeling,
joy or sad, awe at beauty.
or what is it?
In art class in highschool we did pencil portraits- I was so happy I got a
girl, I didn't love her before (wasn't in love), then so slowly started to
draw. Her eye, imagine being able to spend hours staring at a beautiful
person, using the pen or the pencil to help you concentrate on a very
small part, the web of the eye. And yeah, she had to draw me. So now
when I saw her...I need to love what I draw,
So is there any way to get this now? What gives the most, the best
emotion?...I don't quite understand.
Sitting in the park sunday, having a picnic (I finally went to the store),
noticing that there were often as many dogs as people in
the park, or more. Very few people walk themselves.. only two guys, one
woman, and all the rest were walking their pets.
Two people came and sat down in the grass, crosslegged, knees
close, facing eachother, they sat there looking at eachother and talking.
She leaned forward and hugged him. (and so'd he)
Time, and I can't imagine it, with any of you, don't know what I want
anymore, just talk, feel
there is a best place, best environment, best people, where would I go?
What would..
Just go on, Let's just go on
well, Sara said, "I have a friend in Portland, we read the same books and
talk about them"
"yeah.. I guess if you have someone to talk about them with its better"
(what prose!)
"do you like to read a lot of books?"
"Yeah, well, It depends.." I haven't read since back from spring break
(16th april) Started ellison's Invisible Man.. I played the piano for a
while when I first got back (I'm not very good)....haven't done much for a
while, I guess, have to think harder.
"read 'The river why' and talk to me about it"
"Ok.." "what's it about?"
"it's sort of a funny (humor) book, It's my favorite--by duncan, I think"
She gave me something to do, I'm doing it- I'll talk with her about it,
maybe.
I'm not looking for us all to be a book discussion group (if ever a group
at all), I think there are simpler ways.. but this is progress for me, you
know, a chance to learn something real about a female (other than my
sisters.. Sara reminds me a little of Dana, my 18 year old sister, because
of what she likes to do, not how she looks)(and how is that?)
--
My xlock (locks the xterm while I'm away) puts the 'life' program on while
I'm away (like a screen saver).. Lots of little things moving around
forming patterns.. breaking apart..
like they say everything tends towards greater and greater chaos 'keyas'
is that right? Evolution doesn't I guess- tends towards increasingly
complex organisms-- is that right? A combination of manythings that came
before. So that's where we're headed, our 'natural' <evil word, right?>
course is to be one unified planet one unified universe..heh, may be going
a little far here, but what have you seen happen, long term? Is what we
humans do now still evolution, just more complex? it is still evolution
we are those little bodies coming together, breaking apart forming more
and more complex patterns, groups, no different than what has always
happend.. always...what is that
I was going to say I want to go to sabbath on friday because I want to see
Heshem, not Hashem, which means 'the name' in Hebrew (I think I have this
right..) so is a reference to the unreferenceable. He is one of those
great guys, he's a Yemenite, I think, and has lived all over. "You see,
It's tough to be Jewish" You can't buy or carry stuff on sabbath- starting
at sundown on friday.
We met his friend Peter, and some other big nordic guys as we walked from
Hillel to Expresso Roma Cafe (where I met with sara about the herb garden
the thursday before (same table even)) This guy peter looks like Arnold
Swarzenniger (sp.. you get the idea), geez even the teeth- He's not near
as big though, and the way he talks is close too.. He just reminded me, I
think its the toothy smile. I saw him later, and he just looked like
peter.
Then some of the reform Jews, only two, a couple, bought coffe, actually
another, her name is.. well I don't remember. We had Dimitri, Jessica,
maybe mike, Heshem, and myself, and the other... Told a lot of Jewish
jokes..(they did).. as we left they distributed bazooka joe gum in hebrew
to curious kids in the cafe. A lot a lot of jokes, I'll try to remember
some later.
Oh, btw, in case you're worried my physical attraction is toward femails
so far as I can tell-- Madonna's "when I think of you..
I like guys who are approchable, don't have the generic guy exterior, put
up the generic guy front...usually don't spend time watching sports, I
had a good talk with all but dave, and no good talk with any, but Kyle,
sort of, so You can imagine I'm curious.. research.. animal desire..
here's something I wrote to jackson:
What I would like to do with you is like I would like to do with any of
those people, just meet and pass a soccerball or something most
evenings/afternoons.
If One of the women asked me to go on a trip, I would go, because I want
to know them, and I would take any chance I could get because, they are so
different, and I am so distant from them, to really talk to one of them
would be incredible, I think, because I have never really had the chance,
ever. I would think of the trip as a distraction though, except for the
purpose of finding the best setting for communion. I imagine a deserted
valley with steep mountains around, and grasses and flowers and trees, and
we just get on a bus one Friday, and go there, and do nothing for a while.
I was thinking of embodiment (his subject), and how reality can be nothing
compared to what was hoped for, planned for, but it is so much more
beautiful because it is real. I was wondering how much this has to do
with body and how much with mind, and how the purely physical is obscene,
but is there anything purely physical, no. So, I have so many questions
for them, but being with them I will never ask them, because being with
them is enough, but think of the future.
The problem is the moment ends and then I do not know when I will see her
again, and I know Unless I try I will know her only poorly and she
(will become past, only)
-well after a break, let me get back. I do such crazy/stupid/(cooly
logical based on feeling) things, they are worth it, and something will
come of them-
..as you would have them do to you, and it works
--
right, uh, that's currently an unproven theory
--
I know I'm going to wear
{better and better, I Just got jen's mail, carbon, encouragement}
carbon..its a computer here, you know..but I don't think thats the point.
I know I'm going to wear what?
I know I'm going to wear you all out with this- there is only so much you
can read, and then you will skim and wear down, that is the chance..
also, I'm not jewish yet, don't think I can be (because of myself) I'm
just finding out about it because of the people who are, the women (not
all of course, some incredibly not, they're married) are strong, and have
minds, the men are open (nother generalization) and talk about things,
"the reason I come here is for the songs, it reminds me of my childhood,
growing up" my family, the songs.
I was just sitting there, said,"I'm new here" after asking how they
called the bread, I thought maybe they had said "holum" but they said
"chametz" and this guy (I don't have his name, anymore) says that.
Thinking I heard 'holum' was eerie because of reading "the disposessed"
Ursula K. Leguin <only if you have a lot of time>
It's not all that way, I want more talking, but It's one of the best I've
found.
I checked out some sites (web sites) on Humanism, atheism, and did not
feel comforted, though humanism seems in a way what I am speaking. "Some
atheists become nihilists- that is, they believe there is no point to
life" the sites are in my bookmarks..
I want to get to this book, ...
"The river why"
David James Duncan- published by the Sierra Club, San Francisco, 1983
Because of the humor, I didn't think much of it, keep reading
I haven't finished yet,
The guy is describing his craziness, his questions, and this is a fiction
book. What do you think of coincidences? How often do those things
happen to you that seem a little amazing that they happen when they do.
I was just telling you about that energy bubble theory (while we're alive
we're separate (sans <sans=without> meditation, or amazing events, when
we feel together), when we die, we come back to the whole. It's mentioned
here, and dropped, and he goes on...
---
What I most want to know is how much of this is fiction? How much of is
is real experience, and how much of it is a dream. I have thought of
imagining, creating, writing, what I think would be best, eg. once
imagined walking on the beach with Kyle, and would write a story about
what happend- I didn't though- that's a problem with fiction
an.am.ne.sis(n,)<><pl >-ne.ses >\->(ca. 1593)<anamn><anamimn><ana- >+
><mimn>MIND
1: a recalling to mind: REMINISCENCE
2: a preliminary case history of a medical or psychiatric patient
nec.ro.man.cy(n)(14c)<nigromancie, >fr. MF, fr. ML ><nigromantia, >by folk
etymology fr. LL ><necromantia, >fr. LGk ><nekromanteia, >fr. Gk ><nekr-
>+ ><-manteia >-mancy>
1: conjuration of the spirits of the dead for purposes of magically
revealing the future or influencing the course of events
2: MAGIC, SORCERY
-- nec.ro.man.cer <n >>
-- nec.ro.man.tic <adj >>
-- nec.ro.man.ti.cal.ly <adv
(anamnesis is one of his subject headings, necromanced is used) (I'm
reading off my notes)
The guy, Gus, finally does exactly what he wants- fishes for 16 hours a
day- he goes crazy, and starts to ask questions
p107
"Simplify," said Henry Greenjeans Thoreau. "OK" said I: "Life is a lot of
green crap inexorably turning gray. The examined life ain't worth chub."
{after examining life, I was about to agree with him, but then I see you
all can take this- I do think that of all utopias, Aldus Huxley's "Brave
New World" makes sense, its a mindless, constantly occupied, happiness..
it doesn't work for thinking people (they get put on an island with other
thinking people) but for most people it does (watch television, have
sex, engage in hedonistic religious rituals, the perfect drug, soma if
you have any problems)}
p110
"Life," he began
{hey, I feel bad about individuals, not answering them right away, that is
why it is tough to email one person, here's more from the letter to
jackson:
What's up? There is a problem with email, that is, I send a girl I am in
love with a message and think constantly about her, and worry etc,
until.... She doesn't answer my message. Same thing here. You write
this very cool letter- I get it last night, but have no time to do
anything about it until now- while you (if you're like me, with any luck
you're not) are no doubt worrying about the effect of the message on me,
and while I worry about the effect of not answering for a while.
Email is best avoided, so I am planning a move into an overpriced room
where I will probably also pay for a telephone- but I am paying for
something else as well, a space to invite people over.
Email is good for giving me time to think- it can be a catalyst to the
development of an Idea, but thinking and not doing is obscene.
Its not all bad.}
Specifically, I'm thinking about Jen working on a project, and is probably
up now (11:22) still working, and will still be doing that for a while.
Some people believe in prayer, or telepathy even. From experience, people
don't know I'm thinking about them unless I tell them. Just thinking
about someone does no good, except for yourself,....if it does.
And David, too. It was wierd how the two arrived more than 12hrs after it
was sent (my first two emails) you know, I feel a hypocrite (its in the
back of my mind that I should be writing you first..what do you think..
well I know what I feel like doing- I feel like talking to those people,
now, thinking of you over email, one at atime is tough, I want to get
to the others.. so I answered Jen's, David's will take more time)
p110
"Life," he began, "evolved from certain obscure enzymes in the Primordal
Days. Competing for food, for mates, for favorable habitat and so forth,
these minute slimy substances grew incredibly complex after aeons of
evolution, and Humanity resulted! You see, Agustine, the the we call life
is, in any individual creature, nothing more than a unit of Energy
borrowed from the Sum Total. This Borrowed Unit remains in the creature
until such time as its body becomes an unfit container for life energy, at
which time 'death' --which is really nothing more than the moment when the
borrowed unit is sucked back unto the Sum Total-- occurs. This Sum Total
goes on progressing and improving and getting more sophisticated, while
dead units only decay till there is nothing left of them but inorganic
material that will eventually be reconstituted, by the Sum, into a new
creature. Now, this Sum Total is precisely what primitive and
superstitious people call 'God,' and though you and I will cease to exist
when out borrowed energy units are returned to this 'God,'
--I'll finish this later,
Good night, and love,
Colin
good night moon
.