Fri 05 Jul 2002 10:18
here I am and a little sad.
I'm visiting my sister's pre school class, and I'm glad to escape.
I want to see sara's violin class, now. I probably can. and will.
should.

have not been up early  9 yesterday, 8 today.
did swim yesterday, and pissed off some woman (I've been waiting here 10 min) I said something about circle swim and dived in, essentially a "fuck you." I have so little sympathy for those who wait on the edge of the pool instead of asking people to circle swim, no point in telling her that.

not as much weights or strength. exercise.

This whole thing is an exercise in my suburban roots-- the ground of the death of my past.

Many people don't reakt as aversely as I did.

preschool is deadness.

the young bronzed lifeguards, and older, less fit men many will become, all at the one pool.

I love how this place smells.

the colors, the space, the emptiness of people.

there were some answers here., I'm finding

but there was is so much stupid foolishness.

sickening to go through my old papers and the folders used during the college application process. Computerized testing info. School exercises. The math and compsci is intriguing. That was back when I did lots of work, when my mind was active.

Now, there is a focus on 'what really matters.'

That is all.

I'm going out now, and thinking of future.
love,
hope there is a huge difference with sara's class from my sister's in my experience of it. Would give a hint at a difference of worlds.

1047
Practice violin.
dance
swim
weights
website, wish to get journal entries on-line. old papers.

overate grapenuts, soymilk

(acid eating teeth)

the new york ishmael group started by a college idealist, ithaca

the cohousing group near potomac vegetable farm.
I want to go back to nyc. I love that place.


the orchestra teacher. The music director.
why not music? why not dance?
sitting still? What training.
My training, physical prowess, endurance, movement, repitition.
sara's--
I had music, but.
"practicing the piano"

what shall my project be. The ishmael and tribal.

wrinkles of a fat-shrunken butt. butt scar, butt pimples.

I get spacey when I've been fucking around.

her voice is so beautiful.

the fluffies floating in the wind.

her song.

the examples of those.

what does (kyle, the disruptive boy) kyle want?

What motivates these kids?

do I wish to visit unschooling schools? Yes.

mehriban

"it seems you need no shoes.

restraining the negativity.

where is the positive, the plus motivation?

I have no desire to explore this suburban-

I have a desire to explore the musical.

yes.

Yeah, at this point. You could write a book and sell it.

(money thoughts)

net caloric plus

depression.

scans of -- maud

backups of site on network!!

(1) we wish to advertise
(2) we wish to inspire and transform
(3) meaning, vitality
(4) focus on social change.

stuff

(5) how do we wish the world to be?

(6) what individual actions/decisions?
(7) what group action is

libertarianism/unschooling is paralyzing?

what have I valued others doing?
I value carfree.com
value sara & her music.

It's fun to think of crazy things.

a culture of activism, of vitality, of meaning.

this is the world I live in: would you like too?

she apologized to desiree for something

"when I was on the pill-

no feeling with condom, a joke, without, any different?

who, where is the best?

I'm not seeing it here.

death and mediocrity.

mediatric lens = old folks dilation glasses. we'll see you in about a year. Bullshit.

amsterdam.

people loving.

kitesailing, bicycling, windsurfing.

counseling.

get something straight.

I did work with kids once, twice... several.

I'm afraid I'll fall in love with you

ha!

the creaking of the fence gate in the wind. silent children.

summerhill

spend time with me. We simply spend time, for no particular purpose.

the service I offer is:

and I am collecting.

what is good?

a uniquely responsive artwork.

I am an artwork. Showings/experiencings are...

interactings.

I am the artwork.

credits.

what is the statement?

what is the force for change?

what changes do we witness in experiencers of the art?

what global changes do we witness? net

giddens, foucault

they are artworks.

How can you express essence of self?

I am the artwork, experiencing the art.

fucking the system?

appreciating the system?

these are my beliefs, these are the ideas I work to share/elaborate, this is the kind of society/physical social environment I work to achieve. This is the order in which I focus, these are the projects I undertake. This is the order in which I undertake them.

these are the forces which affect my experience
positively
not positively

schank's web site organization.

this must have been done before. It is somewhat obvious.

the basic statement is evident.

"I think I know what I'm going to do.

amazing.

1130

2002-07-05-1732
My parents have way too much junk. In another year, it will be difficult to walk around the house because there will be so much junk there.

hence antimaterialist me?

Yet transferring the collection instinct to personal records?


1821
I am evil not respecting my mother. What horror. The wish to have access to resources without having to house them. Probably no scanning this trip! Yetch a scanner.

I can take docs with me, and scan them at work If I deem important enough. The accumulation of junk.

Now, I could practice the violin, but I wish to progress on web site./future art.

What a joke.

I my self am art. There will be a showing for those who will pay $x.

what does it take to be a good person. What is my art?

I've been playing analogx's virtual piano! No need to buy a keyboard now.

Who would pay $x to experience this artwork?

We wish to foster experiences of vitality and meaning.

Sara can do this, teaching how to play the instrument.

I could do this, teaching swimming.

But wish to do it some other way.

wish to express an overarching approach to living, with which people can identify themselves, provides a guide/direction

why am I such a selfish, nasty person? at least with respect to my mother??

Really to be pure I should not have any of my junk here, at all. It is a somewhat valuable storage service they provide. Mine is a tiny fraction but it is a fraction.

lots of people do like my mom and find her a helpful person...
"but"

I have a life to live, what am I supposed to be doing.

babies just sit there. and move a bit.

things get somewhat more complex later on.

I don't wish to have to clean out their house for them. I wish they would clean out their house of their own volition. As long as they don't clean out their house and give me an ultimatum about the old stuff I have here...

well, not sure how to deal with this.

I'm finding I really don't like my past. Parts of it. A lot of it.

too bad!

As to why there is a bit of a void between 4th grade and end of high school.

that is why!

physical prowess, academics, summer adventures, sailing, achievement orientations, and finally with getting into USNA and rejecting it, that whole wretched stage was somewhat over--

yet there is some important point in finding meaning in it.

Mom says I can get wrist brace at cvs.

To this day, I hate buying stuff because I hate having junk!!!!!


I just want to be a body in the world. rent, don't buy.

tomorrow: turn compost pile. Tomorrow is saturday.

would go barefoot if.

Yeah, and then your kids will despise you for never buying hardly anything?

and looking like a poor dishievaled person?

true materialism, one only buys something with great trepidation

so what, am I going to be a counselor or do this art thing, or what?

we could wander around aimlessly, and as long as you eat decently and keep exercising, some women will probably keep talking to you, but--

let's try something different.

goal to foster vitality and meaning by going after it directly.

why-- there were times I wanted to specialize, but... I found the -- I'm not still sailing... but heck, like schank suggested, I did try!! and was encouraged by parents, and here I am!

Wanting always to get at

why is that woman fat and so lonely that she gripes to anyone who looks her way on the subway?

what would it take for her to become different, to have been different?

I shall put sighs (signs) up saying, experienceartist seeks to foster experiences of vitality and meaning in others. If you're lacking either, please call...

We could establish a group of people who wish to work in a similar way-- a sort of group of consultants.

If you'd like to help others experience vitality and meaning... I'd like to meet with you. A vitality and meaning task force. What is most effective?

Yeah, it would be fun to work with others. Working on the individual level and the social change level.

Why would people work in your organization as opposed to others? Because you offer them great freedom to define their own approaches, no centralized ideology, no unifying factor except consensus about a common goal.

we'll get the religionists, the others, the--

This is getting beautiful?

wishing to establish a network of people who wish to help fellow new yorkersimprove and maintain their experiences of vitality and meaning-

I would join that. How can I help?

If you're currently wishing to improve your experience of vitality/meaning and you have ideas about what resources might help you, or how someone else might help you, we need your ideas!

Meet where the hackers meet-- citibank, or one of the other indoor public parks.

Coordinate by email so not large phone cost.

Though, I do love phone freedom, though I think it important to spend time with self, without phone.

So, such an advertisement might get the helpers and those who wish help, working together (often they'll be one and the same!). Like the quaker's services offered lists! (beautiful), but on a larger, more diverse scale?

We could help in eachother's campaigns-- mine might be car-free, another's might be litter/recycling/composting/reusing. Another's might be park restoration.

The basic underlying goal always to improve and maintain individuals' experiences of vitality and meaning...

What would I of 1996 had said to that?

2052
I'm reminded of a drawback of visiting family: television usage.
I managed not to look at some movie about p. mia for very long.
As they have a fan running down here, I can't hear the t.v., which is nice!

I sort of wish sara might have emailed me (I sent her an email yesterday) even though I said I didn't mind that she never emailed me even though she asked me to send her an email about something a long long time ago.

I suppose I don't really mind?

But I would love to have a friend?

what is it with this arm's length business?

I just don't want my whole meaning in life to be centered around interaction with this other person? So by keeping when-we're-apart communication minimal, I'm forcing myself to (a) either deal with not having her as a meaningful experience, or (b) to find, culivate, appreciate, develop alternatives.

You know, I'm not the one keeping the communication minimal, obviously. She is the one limiting things to what are more healthy.

Otherwise I'd be like madly in love by now, and emailing and phone calling all the time!

probably not. Better that she be the ...

Maybe there will be others, but as I've never been involved with a clingy type like myself, I probably never will be.

Joanna seems like she could potentially be-- but she most definitely isn't.

Clingy women probably do exist-

where was I?

evangelizing about unschooling during dinner which I did not eat, erin was eating e-drop soup. Mom and dad were eating some fried pork/chicken something or other, and something else, ordered from a chinese restaurant, lamenting that it seemed the chef had changed.

spent $8 on a shirt and pants from goodwill, at beginning of my walk today after visiting erin's pre-school, and the baby (2.5 mo) she takes care of.

met doug and roxanne(KPMG office mgr) doug? met kyaking. 38-40 year old mom.

saw emmons last night. they dropped by. Kept finding old things about emmons as I looked through my old stuff. John Matthewson and Katie emmons... John gave me money at the fundraiser my mom had for me before I went off to maui. I got to stay a bit at a beach house in maine where I had memorable windsurfing, but have since forgotten the house which they stayed in.

Told sara she reminded me of some people I knew who were the epitome of cuteness (Katie Emmons and her daughter emily)... Sara said others said found her cute, she didn't mind being cute. I look down and see her cheery ness.

"I mean, I think you're beautiful too-

"Do you mind if I say, 'I love you?'

"why would I mind? I'm just(?) afraid there'll be a tragedy when I leave

-

"Thanks for taking me down there. [to the docks I'd found when exploring at connecticut college]

Katie emmons rings bells, some times a year they ring 7 factorial 7! combinations of bells, (the peal(?)) but today, it was very hot, and they were unhappy because they lost the peal/ the conductor lost the peal.

John was telling stories.

Katie seemed curious about me.

It is sad to see these two that could be so beautiful that they're not taking care of themselves as best they could... john's got a little belly, and Katie, while fine, could love her bodymind more?

But then, my parents' friends are good...

My friends are not all perfect bodied-

I'm not married-- nor in any sort of long-term relationship!


It's 2113

we were thinking about this network

Oh, I wanted to say I have this memory of sara the first concert I saw her play, standing there dark long skirt and maroon upper? I think, maybe skirt was maroon? Playing seriously.

That day, she awed me, and I left, like, "what the fuck is she doing with me?" and "all right, I'll go along-

and "She's hot
"she's powerful
"she's a sorceress and the violin is her -

I don't know any truly vital married people?

except a couple or two I met at that salmon river rafting trip?

Do I know any truly vital people?

Some of the swimmers seem good- the two older women yoga instructors. Ilene, bernadette, the chinese(?) one, Jerry's not bad, he's single,

those I've read of-

the dancers of course--- and why am I not hanging with the dancers?

Many people vital of body among the dancers-

why am I not with them?

Mike (former boss) seems vital, but not of perfect body-

Keith and wife seem vital-

Keith is not as-- he accepts the system well and works well in it.

The englishes are reasonably vital.

I thought nadia and leizig were vital, though nadia epitomized dumpy old russian woman physique.

Pilar is vital, in not a positive sort of way. Norm was beautiful, though he went out from stroke effects

All these single people I know, what of them?

Why are people sacrificing their bodies to the system?

Jack and Ellie huffman, vital in some ways, yet in others jack has been killing himself for a long time,and ellie sacrificed her body.

Elizabeth boyle is vital in all respects, from what I remember.

Davida teller (professor) also.

Ilona probably will be vital..

those who have the physical base and physical habit.

There are great people who don't love their bodies as they could-

I don't love mine as I could, though I do a decent job-

it is a question of balance and of other aims-- but I'm looking for reasonable level of concern for bodies-- not everyone looking like frank zane at 50--though that might not actually be that unreasonable-- but spending at least a good hour every day in strong exercise, and eating carefully, will result in at least a minimal appearance of health. If their hour is weights, they might look somewhat like zane-

I shall go to sleep soon
but I was thinking of the network of vitality/meaning people needing and offering. the basic goal being to help create an environment in New York City which makes it easier for people create, maintain, and improve the experience of meaning and vitality in their own lives.

seeking: people who want to help
people who have Ideas about how they would like to be helped
people who would like to bankroll the project.

What would I do with money? do we want a project that actually has monetary kapital? I don't think so--leave that to the independent initiatives.

I'm fascinated to see what different people consider as exemplifying someone who exemplifys experiencing meaning and vitality.


Sara thought I was terse with her and not wanting to be bothered when she called from her cell phone from alaska--
Joanna thought that once also (she was right then, sara wasn't)
but perhaps my phone manner could be better...

from talking with sara about me being a bit down on her because I didn't hear from her much.

good night.
2150

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