Tue 06 Jan 1998
draft one of The experience of meaning in life from a psychological perspective
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This question was a fundamental motivational question for me. I was originally (at the beginning of this summer) planning to be a teacher and then go to grad school. Then I decided I would go straight to grad school in psychology, social psychology probably. Then, after visiting Deci and Ryan at U Rochester, I thought I would study clinical/community psychology, then, after finding out more about what clinical psychology was, simply community psychology, then, after considering studying community psychology and finding out more about what it is about, any ‘basic research’ type of psychology- developmental, personality, social, motivational, at a school where people were doing research I liked. This process was accompanied by extensive research to determine what programs were good, who was doing work I liked, and what clinical and communty psychology are. Most recently, I had decided not to attend graduate school at all, and then to do nothing at all. And then, just this morning, that I should do something.
I have dispelled the idea that there is some ideal thing for me to do. That there is something that will be pure bliss for me to do every day. I realize that I could choose to do anything-- but I have to choose to do something-- nothing will choose to have me do it. And there are some choices that are better for me to make than others. Over the past year and a half, I have built up quite a story about why I am studying psychology, and what I will do with it (see Leath, 1997 for an example of this). I have decided to stick with this story, because it is a good one. I constructed this story after careful consideration of what I like to do in life, and of what I find engaging, and of what is possible (what the opportunities are). My most recent ‘crisis’ in which I threw out this story, and considered, and even accepted for a few days or less, an entirely different story. I was able to fully accept the alternate possibility of not going to graduate school, for a time. This most recent crisis (and it was at times unpleasant to experience) reminded me that (1) I have to choose to do something-- and as a part of that, nothing will choose me, and that is, that there is no ‘ideal’ thing for me to do, except for what I choose to do. What I choose to do will never lead me to a lastingly idyllic existence of continual commitment and intense focus, but I can make better and worse choices.
After careful consideration and considerable deliberation, I have decided that applying to and attending a psychology graduate program is the better choice for me. The reasons are: (1) I love to read psychology- (2) I love to work on projects and write papers. I resent interruptions to my work on projects and papers whether they be class, or crises. (3) I have many research ideas, which I have been interested in for some time. Last night I stopped being interested in them when I rejected my old story, but I have accepted them again, but I wonder what the result of these ideas will be. I am not secure in the ideas, which I think is a good thing-- before this most recent crisis, I was secure in them. Now my mind is more open. Those are my reasons.
What brought on the rejection of my old story? I thought it was a desire for autonomy. I wanted to work on my own projects, not someone else’s, I wanted to study what I wanted to study, not what was required by the graduate curriculum. I don’t resent that structure now because I realize it will support me in doing what I have chosen to do better than I could support myself without that structure. The alternative to not working within a graduate program is not me. I will be taking the classes, doing the work, and being a research assistant/teaching assistant because that is me. I am someone who does those things.
What is life? Why should I do those things and not others? How I am I to tell that those are the best things for me to do??? Why those things and not others? Why those things and not others?
What others? I have not successfully created any alternate future picture. I know that I could should I have to, but I have not presently. So then, this is the future picture which for me has most lent itself to being built, more than any other future picture. It is what has happend. There are reasons this may be so, and I have mentioned them already. Remember eagle scout???? Yes- that lent itself- but in the end I had to choose. So this is what I am doing, this is what I will do, I will do this because I am not doing anything else. And I will do other things when I will. I will talk to you all again soon, but next time as a graduate student.
the construction of a meaning system.
Rebecca says loving work might be like loving in a relationship- there is not ideal, but you create the ideal... what a different way to be.
Current goals, professional plans, reason for selecting field, and past and present work that is related.- describe preparation.
make clear, interests, background, and professional goals, now make case that best way to bridge undergrad and professional is study at this institution.
I am tired, tired of this effortful life. I look forward to effortless endless sleep. While I am awake then, help me to be not so tired. Give me Rebecca to be with.
essay.
Research is the kind of work I want to try loving. Working on research projects, my own in particular, has been, and I believe will be, one of the most positively engaging parts of my life. Looking in Psychinfo at the work of an older researcher, I am moved to see a life of questions summarized there. Those abstracts, especially when they show a progression of questioning, symbolize to me a life of continuing growth. I imagine how it would be to always have a new question to work on, and to be able to involve myself fully in addressing each new question.
I am particularly drawn to the most basic human questions. The projects that led me to decide to study psychology were my attempts to explain my mass media use habits to myself (Leath, 1997), and to understand the nature of the aesthetic experience (Leath, 1997).
where are you going with this?