It has been a long past 12-18hrs... But this, writing this, is what I have been working up to. I have kept an online journal in the past, and I know I could write on and on. This time I am trying to keep writing from being an end in itself, or an escape from life, perhaps, and use it to help me progress in improving the quality of my experience.
It is possible that at times I will give myself free rein to write to exhaustion, but really I want to keep this writing an activity that is helpful, that helps me to feel I am progressing. Instead of feeling that I am typing endlessly into the blackness.
What does progress feel like? It feels healthy. It does not involve staying up late or sitting, laying actually, in front of the computer for long hours without moving. I do this on occasion when I feel there is so much to learn, things I must learn in order to make progress I will value. Actually, many times I do it without very good reason. Yesterday my goal was to spend some time learning how to do backups, and doing a backup. Then to spend some time writing this. Then to get to bed around 9:00.
However, I spent a fair amount of time reading emails and news about computer technologies. Most recently I spent time learning how to better use this editor, VIM, to write html. Later this afternoon I will probably get on with the backup project. Some of the technology reading I do is helpful, and I am curious about everything I read about. For example, I learned about ZOPE, which sounds like it could make the job of setting up this web site much easier.
Often, the first thing I do when I get back to the computer for a while is check the news at slashdot.org. This behavior seems strange to me-- I have general ideas of things I want to accomplish, yet first, almost always, I will read the news first and read emails prior to getting started on my projects.
Of course, there is the question of what I am working for. I know that to be quality of experience. And is the path I am choosing and creating the most helpful to progressing to that goal? The reason I have that question is because I have chosen to behave and live in ways that are to some extent very anti-social, very unconventional. Yet I feel that much of the great experience in life is social, involving and spending time with others.
Dance, dance class, ballet especially, has been and is a way of spending time with people I value and look forward to very much. Beyond that, what ways would I love of spending time with others?
My recent poor handling of the stock market helped me to realize how much my financial independence, or more particularly, how much the owning of a home/renting of nice home would possibly affect my self-image and behavior. This was sort of a shock to realize, but seems perfectly understandable. If I wish it were not so, it is because I am not now in the situation I imagine.
If I did have a home to my specifications that I found a nice and pleasant place to live in, which I had control over, I think I would be more social- at least in inviting people to come over and visit and enjoy my nice place.
I do have a place I like now, but little control over it, and I am somewhat embarassed about how I live.
I suppose the other issue is, that besides dance, loving ways of spending time with others are not clear to me. It is difficult, however, to determine how much my perceptions would change if I were comfortable to show everyone my way and place of living. Sorry for the generality at this point, but I would not get much out of trying to explain this further.
There are others out there who enjoy and prefer spending time with themselves on their own work and projects. If this is me, I have yet to fully accept and embrace this characteristic of myself. The traditional societal message is, I think you would agree, that spending time with family, good friends, and lovers, if you are so fortunate, are probably the most rewarding parts of life.
I suppose I doubt this (that working on solitary projects will provide most of what I desire in experience) because of the intensity of feeling I have when with others and around others compared to when I am alone, and because of my capacity for loving others. I do think I would like to be more social, in ways other than dance, but how is not clear. The possibility of an intimate relationship being rewarding exists, but who would I be enthusiastic about spending a lot of time with? Perhaps someone who resonates :) with my projects, and who will challenge me and work with me on the mutual project of improving our experience. Everyone has that goal though (in some form), so we would have to have other things in common, such as many of our decisions about how to approach life as well.
Even so, I think such a relationship would not be the defining aspect of my life. So much devotion to one person seems like it would hurt me in the long run.
Since I am not actively working on finding that kind of relationship, it could very well be a long time before that kind of experience is available to me. This seems fine. As for homes, it seems I making experienceartist my home, and don't have qualms about inviting you here.
This question about how to milk the existence of people for as much wonderful experience as possible is very much unanswered for me. But I do not think I will make further progress on it at the moment.